Biblical Dating Advice?

I was recently asked about my thoughts on “biblical dating” and how to be active in finding and maintaining a dating relationship.  I have two initial thoughts;

 1)     I have rarely dated for varying reasons in life phases so am not the one to give advice whatsoever. My singleness can be the biggest joy and blessing in my life while simultaneously being my biggest pain and vulnerability.  I’ve held a lot of varying views about dating that have both hindered and enhanced my life at times. All that to say, I don’t know really know that I am the best authority on dating.  I can rock singleness advice like none other though.  It’s not that I don’t think of dating.  Trust me, if you are a single, male Christian where our theology lines up, I’ve at least thought of dating you. 

 

2)     I don’t know that I would say dating is a biblical idea but more of a cultural reality.  It’s not a bad thing to do but the Bible doesn’t speak to it directly (maybe I’m wrong).  It speaks to betrothals and marriage and relationships but not dating specifically.  So, unless you are going to go stand by a well in a dessert and wait for God to bring your future spouse to you; or are willing to work to pay off a bridal price for them then it can be frustrating to glean biblical dating info. 

I’ve received lots of awful advice over the years on dating.  And lots of great advice.  For me, dating is simply a means to get to know someone, spend time with them and move forward into a more committed relationship. Some people have more conservative views and some have more liberal views. 

 So here goes the dating advice I’ve been given over the years from multiple people:

1.  If a guy is into you he’ll let you know; don’t worry about it. You don’t need to make the first move. Leave the ball in his court and he’ll make the move.  If he doesn’t then he’s just not into you. If he has a way of getting in contact with you in any way then he will if he’s interested. Don’t make a move on a guy.

2.  Make a move! Guys love that confidence. They need to have a sense that you wouldn’t reject them. Guys love the outgoingness of a woman knowing what she wants. They’ll be flattered and possibly consider it as an option even if they decide “no.”

3.  Men prefer to pursue so don’t let them know you are interested. Play the game. Always have the ball in your court. Put out an interested vibe but pull it back in to keep them coming back.

4.  Don’t put out an interested vibe. It can come across as a “desperate” vibe. Lock that desperate crazy vibe up tight.

5.  Don’t date the Lutheran boys, they know all too well what grace is.

6.  Marry the Lutheran men.......they know what grace is.

7.  Type matters.  If you’re not his type then too bad, get over it. Men have types they are interested in and don’t stray far from it. If you’re not their type then it’s not going to happen. Move on. There is no hope in this situation.

8.  Type doesn’t actually matter and people rarely end up with what their “type” is. Men date outside of their type all the time. Hold on to hope.

9.  There is a difference between romance and friendship and one can’t turn into the other.

10.  Friendships turning into romance are the best. Be friends first.

11.  Friend zone is a very real, active and inescapable place once you are there. If you are friend zoned it is better to accept condolences and move on as quickly as possible. They can find other friends.

12.  There is no such thing as a friend zone. You can escape from it. Hang in there....you never know...

13.  Just wait.... for God’s timing. It’s going to be PERFECT for you.

14.  Don’t wait.... get out there, TRY for goodness sakes, meet new people, go online and put yourself out there. Find a new pool of people.

15.  Know what you want. Weed them out and don’t waste time on someone who is not exactly what you want or doesn’t fit your list.

16.  Try out everything, like ice cream. Give people chances. No one is perfect. Recognize that what you want may not be what you need and be open to something unexpected.  Sometimes what you need is opposite of your list.

17.  NEVER date long distance. It’s destined to fail. Dismiss it right away and don’t consider it. Protect yourself from that potential heartache.

18.  Hop on that plane!  Don’t worry about long distance. Technology allows for a lot of ways to get to know someone. It can work so take the risk! What else are you waiting for? Life geographies can change and it just may be worth intentionally figuring out.

19.  Give up your career. A guy has to know you are interested in settling down and if you are too independent he won’t want to take that on.

20.  Career is attractive. Keep doing what you do!

There is probably a little truth to all of the advice I’ve been given over the years and it has  worked at some point in time for people and situations. When it comes down to it dating is different for everyone.  Use wise decisions and work it out with the person you’re interested in.  I’ve seen anything from people dating long distance and getting married within a few months to people dating for a decade before getting married.  I’ve also seen relationships not work out and hopefully both people grew or they learned something new about themselves even in the heartache.

I was given advice from a former pastor of mine a little over a year ago that is probably the most on point piece of advice that I would endorse.  Be you.  Have fun.  The most attractive thing is someone just being themselves and having fun.

So ladies, figure yourself out. The more you figure out and own who you are and want to be the more you will be able to get over your own insecurities to pour into and receive from a relationship later.  I can’t tell you how many times I have sabotaged myself in the past from just not owning who I am and changing aspects of me to be what I thought someone else wanted  When really what they wanted was probably exactly who I was but hid from them.  

There may not be biblical advice on how to date in our culture, but there is biblical advice on how to live.  Jump into that.  Love others intentionally with grace.  Serve in your church community and with your neighbors.  Enjoy life and struggle in life with others.  Pray for others.  Be involved in life. Build a relationship with God that can overflow into a relationships and how you live life.

Don’t pine away for relationships you don’t have.  I’m not being dismissive of the very real pain of feeling unloved and unworthy sometimes.  I feel it and fight it all the time but don't miss out on the joys and loves in being single in this life phase. 

Have girls’ nights out and connect with others.  Laugh and joke with friends and have fun life experiences.  Stay up late having deep conversations.  Cook dinner for yourself while blasting a record player.  Watch the new Avengers movie alone in the theater.  Read a book in a park or beach on a sunny day.  Walk around downtown while listening to podcasts.  Drink coffee and write blogs that you never post because they are too vulnerable or you question if anyone would care to read them.  Post blogs anyway even when you’re insecure about them.  Figure out what you enjoy in life.  Garden. Create your own holiday traditions like buying ornaments that reflect the past year or listening to the Don Wyrtzen “Home for Christmas” recording.  Be a chemist and make your own cleaning supplies.   Make a big deal out of the little things in life.  Host dinners.  Go on a hike.  Go to a pie bar and learn how to play darts.  Get lost for hours in hobby lobby or home depot.  Go to concerts and orchestras and free Shakespeare in the park plays.  Share your life with others.  Relax and lay under a tree and watch the leaves in the wind. Always learn something new and just enjoy the little things in life…….surprise yourself….with things like learning to enjoy basketball and getting emotional over playoffs.

Be you.  That's the only advice I could probably give logistically about dating.  Otherwise it depends on the situation.  The most attractive thing you can do for yourself and the other person is be you and work out your insecurities (we all have them). Be open to a relationship but in the mean time just do life.  There’s lots of Biblical advice on behaviors, building relationships, living life and loving others.  But it is all in a response to a relationship with God and not a "how to" instructional manual.  Do that, build that relationship. Figure out what your life is about. Lean to enjoy and have peace in the good times and the hard times. And if you meet someone who wants to experience life with you and you can get on bored with what they are doing in life too...then congrats. You can stop thinking about your biblical place in line at the engagement well and instead be present and connect with people whether a relationship starts or not.