Railroads and Church Bells

This past week I sat in a breakroom at work and watched portions of a Hallmark movie with other ladies.  We sat there narrating and predicting the next scene with exaggerations, because who doesn’t like a good Hallmark?  As the sweet, unpolished, super-model farmer/veterinarian/carpenter man comes into the story to sweep the new-to-town city girl off her feet…..well, we all know the end of the story.  We can all see what is going to happen next except for them.  All she has to do is notice him rather than the city slicker guy who is not the right one.  All he has to do is actually ask her out. Then boom, we have the next best movie and just need a title.  Maybe something like, “The Unexpected Surprise Holiday Choice.” How can a room full of ladies see the obvious choice and outcome while the leading characters struggle with the “right” decisions?   


No matter how many Hallmark movies I see, it always seems the characters have to figure out or experience things for themselves.  I sometimes want to grab the lead character, shake her by the shoulders and yell, “Just make the decision already won’t you?”  I’m confident that my intervention would be helpful to her.  


This Hallmark season has me thinking on my own life quite a bit.  I have joked with friends constantly about relationships throughout life, but generally just to hide some of my own painful and unrealized expectations.  I know I don’t fool anyone.  I have no doubt they sometimes want to shake me by the shoulders until I get it.  Sometimes, depending on the friend, they even try.  

Most times I feel as though I play the role of the best friend in the movies.  You know the role; the perpetually single, quirky girl who probably needs to be rescued from herself at some point in the movie.  The one thrown in on the side for a little comic relief.  The one who things just happen to.  The one who is always the best friend and girl-next-door but not the one who ends someone’s search.

As much as I joke and tease with others about these Hallmark movies and moments, deep down, I want it for myself.  I wouldn’t mind being the lead character and meeting a man who I could know is mine.  A man I could get past dating and wouldn’t have to wonder all the time if he’s interested or not.  The one you know to put the effort in with and that the effort won’t be wasted.  The one who looks at you and thinks, “well….THAT’S my wife..” in the embarrassing life moments but also looks at you with pride and thinks, “that’s MY wife…” in the accomplishments and good times in life.

For many years, I’ve had expectations of what a perfect life would look like.  Not an easy or pain free life, but a full one.  It always involves a husband and kids.  One with family hikes, ballet recitals, baseball games, breakfasts together in pajamas, records playing in the background, rushed Christmas pageants where the youngest falls off the choir risers and shared life lessons, failures and joys.  None of these things are bad things to want.  Since they aren’t bad things, the rational side of me will dwell too much on the, “why don’t I get that in life?”  “Why don’t I get the Hallmark movie instead of the sidekick role?”

God knows I need one; or maybe God knows I don’t……or at least not yet.

I had a pretty rough 2017.  In 2017, I was confronted with some realities of where I tried to box God into life and what areas I held fast to instead of Him.  I was confronted with the reality of my own mess and the messiness of others as God worked with them.  By the end of that year there were days I had to capture good things in life just to remind me that there were still things to be grateful for in life.  I logged ridiculously small things that brought any type of happiness to remind me that there were still gifts from God in this time.  Eventually I came to believe that the time itself was a gift from God in the pain of giving some things over to him.  Then 2018 hit.  It was worse.

In 2019, as God’s grace continued to abound and overflow for me I was granted some needed rest from myself and others with the loss of some life expectations, and some gained encouragement from a healthy church community and friend group.

As the lives of those around me sped forward and after contemplating and wrestling through life choices for a year, I could tell it was time to crack open the next life chapter.  In what most probably thought was an unexpected move, this involved relocating to Iowa.

I had known deep down I would be doing something different in life but all my original scenarios mostly still involved the northwest and keeping my job.

With the changing seasons here in Iowa I can’t help but think of the changing life seasons.  I came across a classic passage in my Bible readings recently and grasped some of the language in it more than I have in the past.

              Ecclesiastes 3:2-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

² a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
³ a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
⁴ a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
⁵ a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶ a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
⁷ a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
⁸ a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

There are such emotions in this familiar passage. Times of planting, healing, breaking down, building up, weeping, embracing, seeking, keeping, casting away and gathering are many of the ones that personally jumped out at me.

Moving across the country was not an easy and unthought through decision.  I gave up a lot that I was not required to give up.  I could’ve stayed.  


I recently learned that here in Iowa we have prairies.  The root system of a prairie digs down and is 10-20 feet deep.  Every few years they will have controlled burning of the prairies to kill off things growing in the prairie that will harm it.  The deep roots of the prairie survive as the burning is done to ultimately revitalize the prairie and not destroy it.  


These past years have felt like prairie burning years mixed with God’s grace and people in my life to help with the controlled burning.  


Perhaps the problem has been my narrow view and expectations of my life role.  We believe our own narrative more than anyone else’s.  As I have longed for that Hallmark title in my life and my own version of that full story; I miss out on my own very real full story and where God has me.  I miss out on viewing these life phases and different roles as a gift when I view them as placeholders.

I entered into a small town two months ago.  Sometimes I feel like I am in the midst of a Hallmark movie with the atmosphere and community out here.  There are moments when I pause and think, “is this real life?”  and love what God has given me in the current phase.  A time of building up.

In just two short months my life has involved early morning coffee conversations with God, working in a small courthouse and bantering with local attorneys, cooking dinners and making my house a cozy and welcoming place, attending autumn festivals, vineyards and wine tastings, breaking the local bowling alley on Friday nights with my amazing bowling skills,  cookie baking with kids, wandering corn mazes and doing scavenger hunts with youth in town, hiking through prairies and labyrinths, Cubs games with rooftop dinners, living life with my church family and friends……and most recently, line dancing.  Even as I write this, I sit amongst a new group of friends in a writing guild out in the middle of a retreat center. My life is so uniquely blessed with these moments I could never have anticipated.  From the outside, my life probably does look like a Hallmark movie in many ways (minus the man). 

Since arriving in town, I haven’t been more than a few hours without hearing railroads or church bells.  Railroads because they are near my work and the outside of my town; church bells because I live next to the catholic church in town.

That would be my Hallmark movie title, “Railroads and Church Bells”

The church bells ring out next to my house and across the town to gather people.  Every time I hear them, I can’t help but smile at this unanticipated season in life.  This season of togetherness in this small, loving, active community that has so willingly called me theirs as I have called them mine.  The bells remind me of this season of rest, encouragement and building.  They remind me of my faith community and physical community where I can embrace people and live life daily with them.  They remind me of God’s gift of community in this season and a place in life where there are still church bells.

As I hear the trains roaring through town, I think of life speeding along; unless, of course you’re stuck behind the slow train.  Most days I just get stuck at the train crossing and have to wait for it to move by.  Generally, it only happens when I’m in a hurry.  The train roars by and is constantly on the move to the next destination, to the next season.  But for those at the train crossing it’s a forced wait, with a confident peace that eventually you can keep going on.

Recently, I have been personally challenged to focus on the full life I do have instead of focusing on the life expectations of what I “could” have.  This full life of church bell moments of community and railroad moments of life moving forward no matter the pace. 

As I’ve been blinded by my longing for a full life….God has been filling it even when I don’t want to recognize it as such and want to focus on MY version of "full."  

Hebrews 13: 9 says in part; “Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace…….”

As this heart of mine has been scorched in the prairies; God continues to revitalize it as it is strengthened by His grace.  

I don’t know what life will bring and what my role will be in others’ lives or how my own story will play out, none of us really do.  I don’t know what details I’ll forget and remember in years to come as my life speeds along or waits at the crossings.  I don’t know how full and painful of a life I will have as God continually strengthens my heart by His Grace.  But, for at least two months, I’ve had railroads and church bells.

Upside Down Plans

Scared, happy, angry, worried, proud, confident, sad, excited, insecure, surprised, lonely, loved, peaceful…..…..all labels of many emotions throughout a large transition in my life recently as I moved from Seattle, WA, to DeWitt, Iowa.  Or should I say an ongoing transition?  I was given such peace about moving.  Someone must have been praying for clear direction for me! I confess I keep waiting for the doubt to creep in, but too late now!  Most times I recognize how good the last six months were in Seattle.  I had some amazing friends, family was within a drive and I loved my job.  Moving was never about leaving a bad thing or situation.  It was a choice I felt God had given me at this time period in life.  A choice that, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have made or even probably considered had I not moved to Seattle three years ago to begin with.  


I know people say that there are chapters in life.  My life sometimes feels like a Lego house rather than a book with chapters.  I could never forget the prior layer of life or do without it.  There were things I can only move forward from and grow from; friendships I will always cherish for what they were, and many that I am thankful to still have.  


Sometimes life changes can look as though all the layers of a well-designed LEGO house are thrown across the room by an angry toddler scattering everything.  One day, I will probably think I did this with my decision to move; but currently it has felt like a good time for building.

The amount of space mentally and emotionally I have had to breath over the past three weeks has been such a blessing.  As I settle into my new life routine and meet new people, I have had time to spend a significant part of my 5:30 AMs reading the Bible, pouring through notes from current and past teachings, contemplating what God says and how it plays out in life.  Sometimes these morning moments are filled with regrets of failures on my part and soothed by grace.  Sometimes they are filled with encouragement.  Every time, they are filled with thanksgiving for what God is doing within my heart, thoughts, actions and just…..life and the lives of those around me.

I have been reminded over and over that God didn’t give me grace for MY kingdom to work according to MY desires, but has given me grace to capture me for a better place and His kingdom.  How thankful I am for that grace and confidence in something far beyond my understanding.

I have struggled in my own understanding at times with my life looking different than others’ or my own hopes and dreams.  Who doesn’t though?  The life I have, others want; and the life others have I sometimes want.  I came across this gem of a verse in Isaiah this past week.  

Isaiah 29:16

16  You turn things upside down! 

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,

that the thing made should say of its maker,

“He did not make me”;

or the thing formed say of him who formed it,

“He has no understanding”?

How thankful I am for a God who understands my needs and heart better than I do.  That He turns things upside down and away from my own expectations.  I am thankful for a God who does not make ME the ruler of my own life and leave me there.  We tend to be surrounded by phrases like, “You Be You,” or “Be you, Do you, For you,” or “Believe in Yourself.” All of these have intentions of encouragement but ultimately put myself at the center of my life plan rather than God and if I’m deeply honest with myself; everything I have desperately wanted at one time I have been so grateful for it to not end up my way at some point in time.

As I settle into Iowa, my new church is doing a sermon series on Priorities in Life.  We’re discussing and studying the priorities of 1. God 2. Spouse 3. Children and 4. Job.

The teaching has been solid but I confess that at first it felt like as soon as I moved here two of the very things my heart longs for and tends to stray to, but never given, were thrown right in my face.  It doesn’t negate the teachings; and the pastoral staff in my church is so gospel centered that I always get something out of the teachings no matter if I'm in the right place to hear it in life.

But maybe, just maybe, it is exactly what I needed to hear…….

As I soaked in some studies these past few weeks, I couldn’t help but think of the lessons on marriage, men and women and compare them to Christian community and our relationships with each other based in Christ.  Especially since church community is most of what my current social life looks like.  


As I settle into life, I have been challenged to initiate conversations, to say yes when help is offered, and sometimes to be content in being on my own and not hang out with others.  


I have been blessed with being able to connect with people in life; but I haven’t always done well with that.  The motive has not always been in the right place and even now I have selfish motives of just needing people…….it has been refreshing as I step into this new area of life to be reminded of where the source of healthy relationships comes from.  Ephesians 5 speaks of these relationships with each other.  

                         Ephesians 5:15-21

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

I wish I could be this person.  This person that is thankful for everything with a melodic heart.  This person who walks in confidence.  Who makes the best use of their time and is filled with the spirit.  Someone who puts the interest of others above their own because of Christ.

I realized I have looked to other people in the past on what that may look like.  Only to be shattered when they fail and when I fail.  There are many people I look up to and soak in their knowledge and strength, but they too are just people.  I seek their validation of me rather than God’s best for them.  As I look to others, I think of the church at large, flawed people just like me, and where our strength, relationships and motives should come from.

There have been points in time when I have been frustrated with my fellow Christian brothers and sisters.  Where I’ve raged at cheap grace rather than recognize others as just as flawed as me. Where I’ve partaken of cheap grace myself by knowing that whatever I do is forgiven…….


As I think of developing friendships and how to love and support my brothers and sisters in Christ, and think of how they can support me, the vulnerability of it scares me.  I think of the healthy and unhealthy versions of these relationships that I or others have experienced within churches.  To really love and support others sometimes means getting others’ mess on you, or being real enough to allow your mess to get on them.  My prideful side hates this and prefers to hide my mess in fear of burdening others.

This week, I was reading a book called “The Unfolding Mystery” by Edmund Clowney and he compared David and his experience in leadership to how we see Christ in the Old Testament.  Clowney mentions that David’s greatest affliction did not come from the Gentiles but from his own people.  Oh the power we have to build each other up in our insecurities and messes, or tear each other down as brothers and sisters with the knowledge we have.

As I look forward to what God builds in this next life phase with me I have been in constant prayer that friendships I make are rooted in the depths of Christ and not my own expectations and insecurities.  As I contemplate what this would healthily look like I have been encouraged by reading through 2 Peter.  

2 Peter 1:3-12

3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 4 by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. 5 For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, 6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. 8 For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 10 Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. 11 For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

12 Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.

Us.  Granted to US.  How soothing and encouraging this is to have a community of believers striving for the better of others because of their common foundation in Christ and grace.

This has been my prayer for those in my past church communities, those in my new one and for myself.  That the motives in relationships and community would be from a place of confidence in God and the man Jesus Christ and his life, death and resurrection; and that we would look to Him and not each other where relationships could be built up and broken.  I pray that as relationships play out horizontally they would be based on a vertical confident heart in God, reminding each other of all the qualities based in Christ through all the perceived upside down plans…..though the scared, happy, angry, worried, proud, confident, sad, excited, insecure, surprised, lonely, loved, peaceful moments.

The Offense of Christianity

“How can people say God is love but the same God sends people to hell, how is that a loving God?” rang the words said to me over the brim of a coffee cup.  There was a desire to want to understand God’s love, to understand faith and even a conversation of spirituality. However differently "spirituality" was defined between us.    

I have a mind that constantly over thinks, over analyzes and never stops.  I know that I get too far in my head but in these types of moments my mind empties………all my thoughts run to the corners of my mind and close their eyes while silently begging my brain not to pick on them.  Empty.  What do you say in these moments?  I know my own beliefs and tend to tread lightly with conversations at the risk of not offending someone.

As I sat there fiddling with my small knock-off gold ring on my right hand and an empty mind; I hear myself saying, “You're saying it backwards.”  

“How is that backwards?” was the half amused response, “How do you justify a loving God sending people to hell in your faith?”

By this time, I can feel my own thoughts peaking around the corners wondering what I’m going to say next, because they sure weren’t going to help.

I gear up to change the conversation when out of my mouth comes, “God doesn’t send people to hell; He SAVES us from hell.  Everyone is already separated from God and going there.”

I hate this conversation. Hell.  So nasty and gross.  So offensive. Can’t we go back to talking about Friends reruns?

There are moments, like my coffee conversation, where my mind goes blank and I don’t want to offend someone or make them uncomfortable with conversations of sin, or the fallen state of our world.  Moments when I lock up my own testimony of what God has done in my life and what I have been saved from in order not to offend.  No one wants to offend. 

Christianity is offensive.  Christianity has always been offensive.  Christianity speaks of a world that was made perfectly.  It speaks of relationships between mankind and God that were perfect at one time.....and ruined by sin.  It speaks of how we are now separated from God because of our own sin and makes us recognize the depravity in ourselves. The gospel points out our own sin and short-fallings in God’s Law.  There is nothing that we can do ourselves to fix this.  The human condition at its core is offensive.  Sure, good things can be done even by us sinners, but no one could be completely perfect or holy enough to be in God’s presence with sin.  Even “good people” could never be this perfect.

As uncomfortable as these coffee moments can be when I don’t want to talk about sin and hell; the reality is that we are not left in these places.  The gospel tells of a restored relationship with God through Jesus.  Through the cross where Jesus said the words, “It is finished.”  Sometimes, my sinful side wants to still believe there is something I can do, that it’s not finished, that “Andrea” can do something.  Thank God this is not the case and that it does not rest on me.

The gospel tells me Christ has completed what I could never do by being perfect and paying the price for my sin.  That we are saved through grace.  That our relationship with God is restored through Christ’s finished work.  That God sees us through Christ now.  The gospel tells me of grace that is so undeserved.

I would rather be comfortable and not have these conversations.  But these are the most important conversations.  I live my life with this believe and worldview, yet sometimes lock it up because I worry about offending.  I forget how offensive we are in our human nature and how loving this good news of salvation actually is.

This news of God who loved His people so much that he paid a price we could not.  News that Jesus paid the price to save us sinners....the outcasts of society, the oppressed.

I think back to this coffee conversation during this week leading up to Easter.  I think on my uncomfortableness and wanting non-confrontational conversations.  I love talking theology, God, worldviews when everyone is on the same page!  It’s one of my favorite things to do and comes up in most coffee conversations.  Can’t someone else have the difficult ones?  Maybe the people in my life who seem to always know what to say just at the right time?

C.S. Lewis once said, “Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”

Sometimes I treat my belief as moderately important at the risk of not offending someone else.  Yet it can’t be moderately important or just a lifestyle choice.  If it is false…. then what a waste of time and life; but if true, then it is eternally important and the most important thing.

I don’t think of a loving God sending people to hell because I rest in Christ’s finished work and think of a loving God saving people from hell.  I rest in knowing who I am because of who God says I am.  I rest in knowing I am saved from sin and myself.  I rest in Christ’s completion and not my own knowledge where thoughts abandon me.  I wish I did think of hell more, because then I would remember the urgency.

1 Corinthians 15:16-19 -¹⁶ For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁷ And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. ¹⁸ Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. ¹⁹ If in Christ we have hope^[b] in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.

Pitied.  If Christianity is only for this life and a lifestyle choice then what a waste of a life.  We are to be pitied as we should have focused on this life and all the things that make THIS life paradise. 

If Christ had remained in the grave and was not raised, then our faith is worthless and we are still in sin that has not been covered by Christ.

But Christ didn’t remain in the grave.  Instead death was conquered and a way provided to be in a restored relationship with God.

This Easter I celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the covering of sin.  I celebrate healing and redemption.  I celebrate restoration.  I celebrate salvation.  I celebrate a God who saves.

I celebrate healing and restoration from my own offensive state.

Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;  he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.

Lost Hope

“No one ever said that they learned their deepest lessons of life, or had their sweetest encounters with God, on the sunny days.” – John Piper

I was thinking on this concept in my own life struggles and those of friends in my life.  The type of struggles all different, but all very real and individualized.  These struggles tend to leave the feeling of a dark cloud around everything in life and quite frankly do not feel like sweet encounters with God. 

I want my encounters with God to be like sunny days all the time.  I want them to feel like skipping through tall fields of grass, lounging by a body of water on a hot day, or the pure laughter of friendship while drinking iced tea and having a BBQ.  I want my encounters with God to feel good.  I want to be good at them.  Doesn’t He want that too?

When the dark clouds really roll in and cover the sunny days, for me, it is when my own expectations or dreams and hopes have been unrealized.  The dark clouds are when I have tried once again to reach out to a future that I have longed for only to be left with dust in my hands blowing away in the wind rather than something tangible to hold onto. 

I would have been happy with that dream or hope.  I would have!  I promise myself I would have.  I would settle for even just standing there with dirty hands holding onto the dust just a little longer before God sent that cold wind to blow it away.

If we do that though, if we choose to remain in that spot, clouded by the life story we imagine, we can miss the story and life that God has us in the middle of.  We can be so clouded that we miss the joys and unrecognized blessings He has given us, is giving us and will give us.

There is this passage in Ezekiel 37 called “The Valley of the Dry Bones” in my Bible.  In it, God takes Ezekiel to the middle of a valley filled with dry bones and asks Ezekiel if the bones can live.  My response would have been, “Nope” in a confident smile of passing God’s question.  Ezekiel’s response was, “O Lord God, you know.”  God then brings the dry bones to life and joins bones together, adds skin and breath until a great army not only lived but stood on their feet.

Ezekiel 37:11-14

¹¹ Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ ¹² Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. ¹³ And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. ¹⁴ And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord.”

This is the sweetest encounter with God.  As He turns us from the dry, dusty bones declaring that our hope is lost and that we are cut off, to alive and giving us a new hope in Him.

This is what Piper meant.  When everything is stripped away to dust and bones and only God is left, He still breathes life.  He still gives life through His Spirit.  He gives rest, peace and a hope that cannot be blown away in the wind.  He gives comfort in the non-sunny days.   

It turns the cloudy days into the sweetest encounters of God.