Scared, happy, angry, worried, proud, confident, sad, excited, insecure, surprised, lonely, loved, peaceful…..…..all labels of many emotions throughout a large transition in my life recently as I moved from Seattle, WA, to DeWitt, Iowa. Or should I say an ongoing transition? I was given such peace about moving. Someone must have been praying for clear direction for me! I confess I keep waiting for the doubt to creep in, but too late now! Most times I recognize how good the last six months were in Seattle. I had some amazing friends, family was within a drive and I loved my job. Moving was never about leaving a bad thing or situation. It was a choice I felt God had given me at this time period in life. A choice that, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have made or even probably considered had I not moved to Seattle three years ago to begin with.
I know people say that there are chapters in life. My life sometimes feels like a Lego house rather than a book with chapters. I could never forget the prior layer of life or do without it. There were things I can only move forward from and grow from; friendships I will always cherish for what they were, and many that I am thankful to still have.
Sometimes life changes can look as though all the layers of a well-designed LEGO house are thrown across the room by an angry toddler scattering everything. One day, I will probably think I did this with my decision to move; but currently it has felt like a good time for building.
The amount of space mentally and emotionally I have had to breath over the past three weeks has been such a blessing. As I settle into my new life routine and meet new people, I have had time to spend a significant part of my 5:30 AMs reading the Bible, pouring through notes from current and past teachings, contemplating what God says and how it plays out in life. Sometimes these morning moments are filled with regrets of failures on my part and soothed by grace. Sometimes they are filled with encouragement. Every time, they are filled with thanksgiving for what God is doing within my heart, thoughts, actions and just…..life and the lives of those around me.
I have been reminded over and over that God didn’t give me grace for MY kingdom to work according to MY desires, but has given me grace to capture me for a better place and His kingdom. How thankful I am for that grace and confidence in something far beyond my understanding.
I have struggled in my own understanding at times with my life looking different than others’ or my own hopes and dreams. Who doesn’t though? The life I have, others want; and the life others have I sometimes want. I came across this gem of a verse in Isaiah this past week.
Isaiah 29:16
16
You turn things upside down!
Shall
the potter be regarded as the clay,
that the
thing made should say of its maker,
“He did
not make me”;
or the
thing formed say of him who formed it,
“He has
no understanding”?
How thankful I am for a God who understands my needs and heart better than I do. That He turns things upside down and away from my own expectations. I am thankful for a God who does not make ME the ruler of my own life and leave me there. We tend to be surrounded by phrases like, “You Be You,” or “Be you, Do you, For you,” or “Believe in Yourself.” All of these have intentions of encouragement but ultimately put myself at the center of my life plan rather than God and if I’m deeply honest with myself; everything I have desperately wanted at one time I have been so grateful for it to not end up my way at some point in time.
As I settle into Iowa, my new church is doing a sermon series on Priorities in Life. We’re discussing and studying the priorities of 1. God 2. Spouse 3. Children and 4. Job.
The teaching has been solid but I confess that at first it felt like as soon as I moved here two of the very things my heart longs for and tends to stray to, but never given, were thrown right in my face. It doesn’t negate the teachings; and the pastoral staff in my church is so gospel centered that I always get something out of the teachings no matter if I'm in the right place to hear it in life.
But maybe, just maybe, it is exactly what I needed to hear…….
As I soaked in some studies these past few weeks, I couldn’t help but think of the lessons on marriage, men and women and compare them to Christian community and our relationships with each other based in Christ. Especially since church community is most of what my current social life looks like.
As I settle into life, I have been challenged to initiate conversations, to say yes when help is offered, and sometimes to be content in being on my own and not hang out with others.
I have been blessed with being able to connect with people in life; but I haven’t always done well with that. The motive has not always been in the right place and even now I have selfish motives of just needing people…….it has been refreshing as I step into this new area of life to be reminded of where the source of healthy relationships comes from. Ephesians 5 speaks of these relationships with each other.
Ephesians 5:15-21
15 Look carefully then how you
walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because
the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will
of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but
be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and
spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20
giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our
Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
I realized I have looked to other people in the past on what that may look like. Only to be shattered when they fail and when I fail. There are many people I look up to and soak in their knowledge and strength, but they too are just people. I seek their validation of me rather than God’s best for them. As I look to others, I think of the church at large, flawed people just like me, and where our strength, relationships and motives should come from.
There have been points in time when I have been frustrated with my fellow Christian brothers and sisters. Where I’ve raged at cheap grace rather than recognize others as just as flawed as me. Where I’ve partaken of cheap grace myself by knowing that whatever I do is forgiven…….
As I think of developing friendships and how to love and support my brothers and sisters in Christ, and think of how they can support me, the vulnerability of it scares me. I think of the healthy and unhealthy versions of these relationships that I or others have experienced within churches. To really love and support others sometimes means getting others’ mess on you, or being real enough to allow your mess to get on them. My prideful side hates this and prefers to hide my mess in fear of burdening others.
This week, I was reading a book called “The Unfolding Mystery” by Edmund Clowney and he compared David and his experience in leadership to how we see Christ in the Old Testament. Clowney mentions that David’s greatest affliction did not come from the Gentiles but from his own people. Oh the power we have to build each other up in our insecurities and messes, or tear each other down as brothers and sisters with the knowledge we have.
As I look forward to what God builds in this next life phase with me I have been in constant prayer that friendships I make are rooted in the depths of Christ and not my own expectations and insecurities. As I contemplate what this would healthily look like I have been encouraged by reading through 2 Peter.
2 Peter 1:3-12
3 His divine power has granted
to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge
of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 4 by which he has granted
to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may
become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that
is in the world because of sinful desire. 5 For this very reason, make every
effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, 6 and
knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and
steadfastness with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and
brotherly affection with love. 8 For if these qualities are yours and are
increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge
of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted
that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.
10 Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and
election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. 11 For in
this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal
kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
12 Therefore I intend always to
remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the
truth that you have.
Us. Granted to US. How soothing and encouraging this is to have a community of believers striving for the better of others because of their common foundation in Christ and grace.
This has been my prayer for those in my past church communities, those in my new one and for myself. That the motives in relationships and community would be from a place of confidence in God and the man Jesus Christ and his life, death and resurrection; and that we would look to Him and not each other where relationships could be built up and broken. I pray that as relationships play out horizontally they would be based on a vertical confident heart in God, reminding each other of all the qualities based in Christ through all the perceived upside down plans…..though the scared, happy, angry, worried, proud, confident, sad, excited, insecure, surprised, lonely, loved, peaceful moments.
