Where Grace Is Waiting

Have you ever made a mistake?  Not the type where you just buy the wrong milk but one you dwell on.  One that has impacts.  The type where, in the words of the ever passionate biblical King David, your tears become your food at night as they mock you by asking where your God is.  The type where you pour out your cast down soul and beg for relief.  I dive into the poetry of David as his writings put to pen some of my deepest fears, regrets and thoughts, both good and bad.

David was called a man after God’s own heart.  We remember David as defeating Goliath and as a King.  Looking at the Psalms he opens up his heart for all. He had a full life with seasons of rest and prosperity but also despair and distress.  This man after God’s own heart was a murderer, liar and adulterer and while we love to focus on just the “David and Bathsheba” story he also had eight wives and multiple concubines.  He, like all of us, had sinned against God in many ways.  Why then, would he be considered a man after God’s own heart?  He was by no means perfect and it is easy to remember his biggest failures rather than successes. 

David had a deep desire to follow God and in his own words he delighted in God’s law and loved it. He also firsthand knew the consequences of breaking that law, not in just the practical sense but that it lead to the eternal separation from God.  He also knew the grace of God putting his sin away from him.  He knew the depths of repentance and forgiveness and the heights of praise and restoration.  Yes, he failed on a grand scale, but he also had a faith that sought and received the forgiveness offered by God.

I’ve thought of this lately with some of my own recent failures or mistakes.  It is tempting to want to make something right……to try to erase it or do something that allows you to move forward.  Every thought or action is a way to make it right.  Yet it falls short.  I know things can’t be erased but my human side wants to put as much of my own effort towards it as I can.  Even if I hadn’t failed, or even if David hadn’t and our lives were measured by all the successes it still wouldn’t be enough.  We could never be THAT perfect to be in God’s presence.  Sin would still separate us.

As much as David loved God’s law, he loved His grace.  The law without grace would just damn everyone as it shows how to be perfect.  If there was only the law then we would stive to meet it and fall short.  The gospel of grace comes in and far surpasses where own efforts fail as Jesus pays our ransom price from the chains we drown in.

I think of not only David in the Old Testament but of Peter further down the line in the New Testament.

As we approach the Easter season I think of the side story with Peter.  Peter was arguably one of Jesus’ closest friends.  He had his hopes and dreams set on Jesus creating an earthly kingdom and satisfying their physical needs.  God had much bigger plans.

In Jesus’ final hours Peter denied knowing Him.  Not once, or twice, but three times.  Three times the same mistake, the same denial, the same failure.  If that weren’t enough guilt, then Jesus rose and Peter had to stand face to face with the Messiah he had denied. What do you do in this scenario?  What can you do?

John 21 gives us the play by play.

Peter, in his need to do SOMETHING, went fishing.  Fishing was his profession before following Jesus and part of me wonders if he was going back to the thing he knew how to do best.  The known security.  He knew how to fish.  His own human efforts would show something for fishing at least.  Except that they didn’t this time.

 In a twist, he caught nothing.  After using his own effort through the entire night, they came up empty handed.  At daybreak, Jesus was there, standing on the shore.  They did not recognize him and He told them to cast their net on the other side of the boat.  When they did, they pulled up so much fish that they had to pull the nets to shore as they couldn’t get them up on the boat.

 I can’t imagine standing on that boat with Peter when they realized and exclaimed, “It is the Lord!” they saw standing on the shore.  This man was so overwhelmed with emotion that he jumped ship and swam to the shore where grace was waiting for him.  What followed was a conversation I could never imagine having.

 As Peter’s denial of Jesus hung between them, Jesus offered grace, and redemption……and breakfast food. Peter was grieved as Jesus asked him not once, or twice, but three times if he loved him.  The same number of times as he had denied him.  Not only does Jesus offer grace to Peter but charges him with “feeding his sheep”.  He takes a man who has made mistakes clear up to denying him and entrusts him to lead His people.  Not generally the first thing you would do for someone who betrayed you.  You may forgive them, but not put them in a leadership role over what you love most.

I think of these two men centuries apart, David and Peter.  The depths of their mistakes mirror my own yet God still actively pursues and waits with grace.  As much as they may have tried, there was nothing they could do on their own efforts.  They had seasons of life of both failure and prosperity; seasons of distress where God’s grace was recognized as needed more than other times.  They were after God’s own heart in all their messiness.

 I think of where grace is actively waiting….with love, redemption, continually working to cast away our sin with a fresh start….and food.  I think of the words in Psalm 42 with David’s strong language of tears and a cast down soul; yet ends with him stating “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”  How these words can ring true centuries later for Peter, and centuries later for me.

Chasing of Wind

Ernest Hemingway is quoted as saying, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.”  Ironically, I’ve been absent in my writings the past few years because sometimes it hurts too much to write.  Your words haunt you years later as you realize you are so different from who you used to be and what you wanted in life.

 As I read through past writings, that now sound like someone else’s thoughts and life, I cringe at some life moments, decisions and even vision for my life.  It can also be a healing process though as even when I am in a different place in life, the foundational truths are the same.  Reflecting on the waves of losses and gains in life and how they were wrestled through with God can be devastating but also gives me hope for future versions of myself.

Everybody has at least one chapter in life they don’t read out loud. The ones where we stood or were pushed too close to the fire and now have singed edges.  These are the chapters that if I did write “hard and clear,” as Hemingway suggests, they would just be angry and dark ink blotted pages.

Personally, as an overthinker, these chapters with failures, doubts and insecurities play over and over and beg to not only be re-read but re-lived, even when I know better.  Even when there are good chapters with success, confidence and pure joy to focus on instead.

As I transition to what is likely approaching the second half of my life, I’ve thought of these chapters a lot.  Mostly because I’ve been challenged over the last few months of what my vision is for it.  See, when I meet people, they tend to put me in a box of whatever context they meet me in and see my identity as such.  Either I’m really smart to them, super ditzy, religious, fun, a sheltered home schooler, business oriented, people oriented, shy, experienced in life or naïve.  The lucky ones see all these parts.

I don’t like being put in a box, but I’ve realized I do it to others as well, in fact, in our current society it is almost impossible to not make assumptions about others and their stories.  We boldly declare social, political, religious, medical and life beliefs, and then put each other in the appropriate boxes based on our experiences and assumptions.

I was asked recently what motivates or inspires me.  How do you answer this question when there are so many things but also want to avoid the boxes?  For me it probably comes down to God and connecting with others or being involved in life in general.  I love life and being a part others’ lives and their successes.  To me, there is nothing better than time spent making memories with others.

I embrace meeting new people and sharing celebrations, hardships, laughter and joys with them.  I love to sit down over coffee or just spend time with someone to see what makes them who they are.  It always fascinates me.  I used to feel like I could peg someone and who they are quickly.  If I’m honest it is just because I would lump them in a box of who I thought they were, not that I actually knew them or heard their stories. 

As I contemplate my own vision for life and what inspires me, I can’t help but think on what we all strive for and chase in our own lives.  Is it family? God? Career? Wealth? Experiences? Knowledge? Adventure? Travel? All of the above?  Or maybe it changes based on where we are at in life?  They’re all things I love.

My history addict side wants to delve into what people have advised over the years and what their experiences have been with what is worth chasing in life, but ultimately, I come back to where my foundations lay, on what the Bible says.

Ecclesiastes is one of the “wisdom books” of the Bible, and while I love knowledge and wisdom, it is quite frankly downright depressing. It is a narration of a man who has experienced and done everything. Why not read the perspective of someone who has already achieved anything I would ever strive for?

Ecclesiasties 2:9-11

⁹ So I became great and surpassed all who were before me in Jerusalem. Also my wisdom remained with me. ¹⁰ And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. ¹¹ Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.

At this point in life, I’ve done some of my own chasing of winds.  I’ve moved across the country with a band, I’ve done the college student life, the big city life, the career life, the church life, the move across the country on your own life, the small-town apartment above shops life.  I am grateful for all of it but living 1,500 miles from where I was born was never in the original plan and I never would have envisioned my current chapter even just three years ago. 

Perhaps it is all vanity and a chasing of the wind as Ecclesiastes suggests.  Maybe there is nothing to be gained under the sun.

Or maybe, maybe the key is the “under the sun,” part and that there is still a future hope far past the vanity and chasing of life, whatever corners of our kingdom we currently live.

The more I have wrestled with God the more I see His consistency and love of me in how He has mapped out my life.  Not in a way I originally would have.  Not the pain free, Better Homes and Garden picturesque life, but full of discovery and sometimes hard, repeated life lessons.  Where others have failed me, and even claimed erroneous words from God, I can look back and see what He has done despite them, or even despite myself.

I think of a future where we enjoy the fact that God has redeemed our chasings; where we don’t flimsily attempt to hold on to Him with our own efforts.  One where we live in peace within every chapter as it has everything to do with His efforts and holding onto us instead.

As I contemplate where I am at in life, where I’ve been, and what the future may hold I can take a deep breath.  I rest in the fact that regardless of where others may box me in or I may box others, God still loves us.  As a God who created unique individuals with different strengths, weaknesses, personalities in His world I can’t help but smile at his creativity and desire for good things for us in each story and chapter in this fallen world we live in. 

He doesn’t turn away from my ink blotted pages, or scoff at my chasings of wind or shy away from my wrestling and angry conversations with Him.  He never promised a certain type of life and prosperity. Instead, He gathers the ever changing chapters, binds them up together and turns it into a beautiful story of adventure, intrigue, danger, self-sabotage, villains, heroes, mystery, love, pain and ultimately peace and confidence in Him.  He joins us and understands the chase while whispering “I’m still here.”

A Toilet Paper Clutching Easter

No one could’ve anticipated these past few weeks a year ago.  It is easy to stare at the figures and panic.  I see the “closed cases” results world wide with a 16% death rate…..it seems so high, and I tell myself that maybe all the positive recovery cases just haven’t resolved yet.  But maybe that isn't the case, maybe it will go higher.  The first time I saw it, it was only at 9%.

Life is different for the foreseeable future, maybe forever.  I’ve mourned for lives lost this week.  I cried as Italy’s Prime Minister exclaimed, “We have lost it on Earth, we now seek mercy from the skies.” His pain of what felt like losing a nation with over 2000 deaths in just four days was gut wrenching.  And there can be fear in the possibility of it happening here, to those around us, our loved ones or ourselves.

What is there to do?

In the US, we bought toilet paper.  It seems so logical, right?  As I received toilet paper memes and pictures from my family out in the pacific northwest I knew it was coming my direction to Iowa.  I was prepared and stocked on toilet paper luckily.

The loss of readily available toilet paper was quickly followed by some medications, bread, eggs….those all made a little more sense to me.

When school closures came and people worked from home the need for toilet paper shifted to a need for larger food quantities.  People had to work from home which meant more food at home.  Job losses came and financial worries became even more pressing.

Yet for some reason, we still check for toilet paper when at the store.  Just to be prepared.  Perhaps we will tell ourselves that the world is normalizing if we see it in stock.

My friends….it is as if the whole world realized all at once that we and our loved ones will someday die, yet this is the one sure thing here on this earth.  Death is real.  Yet we clutch that toilet paper tightly to prepare ourselves for hunkering down or getting sick.  We lock our vulnerable people, parents and grandparents up (rightly so at this point in time!).  We stay inside to flatten the curve of this disease and hopefully hinder the spread of it.

It may be that this issue of toilet paper is relatable….the need for toilet paper crosses all spans of our country; from the rich, poor, celebrities, blue collar workers, children…..everyone needs toilet paper.

As we slowly march forward in these new life restrictions, fears and limited gatherings; one thing I have watched in fascination has been how people respond and have looked for ways to continue developing a sense of community.

My town is doing a “heart hunters” for kids.  People are hanging hearts and teddy bears up in windows for kids to search for as they walk.  Friends honk their car horns as they drive by, reminding me that they are around.

Communities have turned to online venues for connection.  Churches have changed in person gatherings to online platforms to stay connected and encourage one another. We still need these connections.

This nasty virus, COVID-19, is a term no one knew months ago yet now we can’t get away from it and it’s impacts to life. It’s highly infectious and you may not even know you have it they say.  I wish it wasn’t real.  I wish it were an overexaggerated scenario that in the end we are told, “oh oops, good job at staying indoors for a few weeks, it’s really just nothing,” but I don’t get the vibe that it is heading that direction.

So, what do we do when we approach the unknown, uncertainty, of sickness of loved ones and thoughts of death?  We buy toilet paper.

I have a confession that may be offensive.  As I’ve mourned this past week, as I’ve taken precautions to stay in and follow CDC guidances, as I’ve hoped for positive outcomes and selfishly to have no one I know personally impacted by this tragedy, as I’ve prayed……I’ve been at peace.  Not a peace of knowing bad things won’t happen…they will…but a peace in what really matters in the depths of life and death.

Maybe I can excuse this peace away by saying, “I don’t have kids to worry about who I am locked in with,” or that “I am fortunate enough to be able to work from home for now,” or  “I have food and know how to cook random things that will last awhile,” or that “I have toilet paper.”  That’s not where the peace comes from though.

As Easter approaches, where we celebrate the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, I can’t help but ponder at the ultimate peace and life He has given us. 

There are multiple emotions with peace.   There can still be mourning within peace.  There can still be sadness.  If restrictions continue, we may just all be huddled around screens this upcoming Easter.  No fun Easter dresses to celebrate the resurrection, no potluck breakfast gatherings, no hugs, no in person community gatherings. As this makes me completely and utterly sad, there is also a peace in knowing that Easter was never about the dresses and potlucks to begin with.  But a celebration of life and of restoration.

My world view is such that I already believe this world is infected.  Even though it was created perfectly, it was infected by sin and we were separated from God. We could never be in the presence of a holy God with this sin we are infected by. And as much as we try, there is nothing we can do in and of ourselves to cure this.

We try to be good, to make a difference, to try and do things on our own.  But we can’t.  These things are just as useful as us clutching toilet paper to solve a pandemic. 

Useless.  I wonder if God looks at us sometimes in our good works and just thinks…..”they’ve lost it again, those toilet paper clutchers.”

My peace comes from already knowing the end.

See, my world view also tells of a God who wants a relationship with people, and who’s son paid a price that we could not pay on our own.  He lived the perfect life that we could not, without sin.  He conquered death and restored relationships with God through him.

It's already been completed; giving us a life beyond these temporal matters of toilet paper, sickness, disease and loss.  Giving us a life of peace and assured future as Jesus has already conquered the ultimate issue of sin and eternal death.  

Are good works needed?  Not to God, but yes we need them.  Our neighbors and family need them.  God also created us to be in community.

I have found little things to smile at in life lately.  Just yesterday, a little neighbor boy was furiously riding his toy tractor in his driveway.  The tractor sent bubbles spilling out as he peddled.  I’d never seen a bubble tractor before.  He’d peddle faster and faster to make more bubbles.  They filled the entire street and went at least forty feet up in the air creating a beautiful wall of peaceful bubbles that surrounded his giggles.  I don’t think he was worried about the toilet paper in that instance.

I miss people.  I miss community.  I mourn for things I had just weeks ago. But there are also things that have come from this time that I have been loving and at peace with.  Perhaps they have been glimpses of God peeling toilet paper out of my clutched hands and reminding me that He is the real answer to the much bigger life issue.

I know it’s cheesy, but I hope that during this time I can be a bubble maker instead of a toilet paper clutcher.  Resting in the peace that in the end; God is stronger no matter the results.

John 16:33
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 17:13-14

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord

To Be Known

"What did you lose to make you chase love so much?” was a question I heard the other afternoon.  While not directed at me, it made my perpetually searching heart think.  


We all chase love in some way, but could the source of that chase really be from a loss of something?  If not love then we chase SOMETHING.  We seek acceptance and validation by fitting in or by standing out, we set goals for work, for vacations, for families, for health.  Most of the time when we obtain what our desire was, we just move right on to wanting the next thing.  My pursuit over the years could easily be summed up by chasing love and the desire not only to be loved but also to love someone deeply. To have the husband or kids to love on who just weren’t in God’s plan for me, at least not yet.


When I think of the question “what did I lose to make me chase love so much?” the only answer I can think of is, “myself.”  In these “Losing Andrea” moments I lose track of my identity and who I really am and tend to go full on “what if” tunnel vision on those around me.  I suffer from forgetfulness of who God says I am and seek validation from everyone and everything to define who I am, even though I know better.  


The desire to be known and to know someone is intoxicating.  There’s a comfort and confidence level in having that person who you know is your best friend or has your back even in the frustrating moments.


I’m a social person and it’s no secret that I love knowing people.  I devour hearing people’s stories and connecting with them.  I want to know their thoughts, their emotions, their take on life and all the in-between moments.  I like knowing the little things and what makes them function.  What makes them smile.  I like to pay attention to them.


Not only do I enjoy knowing others but I like being known.  I don’t mean to just have someone know my name.  There are friends and family who know me deeply and many who I barely know.  But the ones who know me……they know all the things and love me still.  They are the ones who spin around in a room when they hear my laugh just to smile from hearing it and wonder what I am up to now.  The ones who share smiles over jokes and tease just the right amount.  The ones who know that if I meet them for breakfast, I will always order the side of pancakes.  They know my fears.  The snow driving and the insecurities I go through of being single.  They know the joys and the humor.  They know coffee is paired with almond milk.  They know the triggers of pain and the tears. They know the happiness and humor.  They know the challenges and joys of public speaking and sharing my heart.  They know I hum to myself subconsciously or that I am a professional car karaoke star.  They know the difference of when I am searching and when my soul is soaring. They know my favorite scent is anything with coconut or almond and my favorite season is fall.  They know my facial expressions. They know the answer to the question while out will always be “red wine.” They know that if I’m stressed the easiest way to calm me down is to throw me a wink.  They know I overanalyze to a fault and they know to tell me not to. They know I love cooking, playing and hanging out with kids.  They know that I love a good camping trip or camp fire.  They know a good theology conversation is one of my favorite things.  They know.


If I were to ask you about who I am your answers would be similar to my list above……a list of habits, preferences and outward appearances.  My own answers may go a little deeper and into my thought processes, desires, insecurities and world views.


To be known though, really known, is terrifying and vulnerable.  Who would love us at our worst? 

I recently completed a personal study on the names of Jesus and God.  Names that almost all ultimately point to us and what He has done and completed for us because of who He is.  In contemplating these names and who God is I am overwhelmed by the depth of who He is and His love even when He knows and sees all the things.


God’s answers to who I am are deeper. God’s answers go beyond what I even fully know about myself and to the depths of who I am.  He sees, knows, and loves us in the good and bad.  He sees my broken heart when all the butterflies die.  He restores even in pain.  He loves. He is wise. He pursues. He saves. He convicts.  He lovingly rebukes.  He adopts.  He writes my story.  He’s faithful.  He’s merciful. He fights for me. He doesn’t leave me.  He is all powerful.  He gives knowledge.  He intervenes.  He is an exciting continual mystery, yet reveals himself to us.  He is rest.  He is peace.  He knows.


When I think of a God like this knowing the depths of who I am and loving me anyways; why would I ever forget who I am and pursue other things?  I was struck this past week with the reminder of resting in who God says I am rather than losing myself and chasing love.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spoken on this or studied this…...yet here I am again studying my identity in God in yet another scenario.


What if instead of chasing love I rest in the fact that I am already loved?   What if instead of losing my identity to the desires of my heart I remember constantly that my identity doesn’t rest on my job, relationship status, hobbies and life stage? What if I remembered that I am:


              *Saved * a Masterpiece *Child of God * Co-Heir * Blessed * Loved * Valuable * Gifted * Chosen * Redeemed * Free * A light * New Creation * Healed * Forgiven * Whole * His *Hopeful * Victorious * Peace Filled * Joyful * Wonderfully Made * Complete * and the list goes on and on……


To remember this stops my chase for love and settles my heart into just wanting to be present with God.  What if we always remembered how God sees us and lived presently and abundantly in that confidence and peace?  


This life would be filled with abundant peace and confidence and rest in the midst of every life stage instead of all the chasing games.


Fred Rogers used to always say, “I like you as you are, exactly and precisely, I think you turned out nicely and I like you as you are.”  How kids’ faces and hearts lit up when they heard this expression.  No pretenses needed or requirements but just being reminded that they are liked with no expectations and that they are not forgotten.


See, God doesn’t forget, not like me.  


Isaiah 49:16 says, “Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.”  


I think of the imagery of being engraved on the vastness of Jesus hands, and that he knows everything about me yet still calls my name.  When I remember that he knows my walls, my sadness, my joys, my happiness, my failures and my sins….yet loves me……I can’t help but feel anything but the desire to pursue presence with Him in my life.  


Yet, here I am, being loved but chasing love……


As I’ve contemplated being present with God lately, I’ve been drawn to the topic of prayer.  Specifically, the phrase that I so often pray of “Thy will be done.”  This phrase has come up in random areas of my life from conversations, to random Facebook posts I’ve seen, to being in passages that I’ve never noticed the phrase in.


Here I am, chasing love, when I’m already loved by an amazing God.  Here I am praying “Thy will be done,” in the midst of asking Him to follow my own pursuits.


How many times have I prayed this as a token phrase intended to surrender my own plans and recognize God’s as better, yet really just resigning myself to “what’s going to happen is going to happen.”  While thinking through the intentions of my heart I can’t help but be captivated by how deep these four words actually are.  In the recognition of who God is and how much he knows and loves us, how can this be anything but a confident, joyful exclamation of peace in all circumstances.  This phrase that recognizes His own character, abilities and love for us.


The reality is that I beg God to change some of my most internal pains…..yet they have turned out to be the biggest blessings that have brought me closer to Him.  They’ve provided opportunities or led to things that I never would have thought of or done on my own.


This year, I pray that my heart, and yours, would be surprised by God.  By a God who knows you and me better than we could ever know ourselves.  That we would live in that confidence and peace whatever stage our lives are in and be present in that with God.


I pray that rather than my constant chase of love and the forgetfulness of who I am because of Him, that He would instead be the echo of my days and I would rest courageously in His presence.   That this would overflow to my family, friends, church community and city.


That I would not lose myself by forgetting who God says I am but that I would live presently in the knowledge of who He is, who I am because of Him and this abundant life I have because of Him.

Railroads and Church Bells

This past week I sat in a breakroom at work and watched portions of a Hallmark movie with other ladies.  We sat there narrating and predicting the next scene with exaggerations, because who doesn’t like a good Hallmark?  As the sweet, unpolished, super-model farmer/veterinarian/carpenter man comes into the story to sweep the new-to-town city girl off her feet…..well, we all know the end of the story.  We can all see what is going to happen next except for them.  All she has to do is notice him rather than the city slicker guy who is not the right one.  All he has to do is actually ask her out. Then boom, we have the next best movie and just need a title.  Maybe something like, “The Unexpected Surprise Holiday Choice.” How can a room full of ladies see the obvious choice and outcome while the leading characters struggle with the “right” decisions?   


No matter how many Hallmark movies I see, it always seems the characters have to figure out or experience things for themselves.  I sometimes want to grab the lead character, shake her by the shoulders and yell, “Just make the decision already won’t you?”  I’m confident that my intervention would be helpful to her.  


This Hallmark season has me thinking on my own life quite a bit.  I have joked with friends constantly about relationships throughout life, but generally just to hide some of my own painful and unrealized expectations.  I know I don’t fool anyone.  I have no doubt they sometimes want to shake me by the shoulders until I get it.  Sometimes, depending on the friend, they even try.  

Most times I feel as though I play the role of the best friend in the movies.  You know the role; the perpetually single, quirky girl who probably needs to be rescued from herself at some point in the movie.  The one thrown in on the side for a little comic relief.  The one who things just happen to.  The one who is always the best friend and girl-next-door but not the one who ends someone’s search.

As much as I joke and tease with others about these Hallmark movies and moments, deep down, I want it for myself.  I wouldn’t mind being the lead character and meeting a man who I could know is mine.  A man I could get past dating and wouldn’t have to wonder all the time if he’s interested or not.  The one you know to put the effort in with and that the effort won’t be wasted.  The one who looks at you and thinks, “well….THAT’S my wife..” in the embarrassing life moments but also looks at you with pride and thinks, “that’s MY wife…” in the accomplishments and good times in life.

For many years, I’ve had expectations of what a perfect life would look like.  Not an easy or pain free life, but a full one.  It always involves a husband and kids.  One with family hikes, ballet recitals, baseball games, breakfasts together in pajamas, records playing in the background, rushed Christmas pageants where the youngest falls off the choir risers and shared life lessons, failures and joys.  None of these things are bad things to want.  Since they aren’t bad things, the rational side of me will dwell too much on the, “why don’t I get that in life?”  “Why don’t I get the Hallmark movie instead of the sidekick role?”

God knows I need one; or maybe God knows I don’t……or at least not yet.

I had a pretty rough 2017.  In 2017, I was confronted with some realities of where I tried to box God into life and what areas I held fast to instead of Him.  I was confronted with the reality of my own mess and the messiness of others as God worked with them.  By the end of that year there were days I had to capture good things in life just to remind me that there were still things to be grateful for in life.  I logged ridiculously small things that brought any type of happiness to remind me that there were still gifts from God in this time.  Eventually I came to believe that the time itself was a gift from God in the pain of giving some things over to him.  Then 2018 hit.  It was worse.

In 2019, as God’s grace continued to abound and overflow for me I was granted some needed rest from myself and others with the loss of some life expectations, and some gained encouragement from a healthy church community and friend group.

As the lives of those around me sped forward and after contemplating and wrestling through life choices for a year, I could tell it was time to crack open the next life chapter.  In what most probably thought was an unexpected move, this involved relocating to Iowa.

I had known deep down I would be doing something different in life but all my original scenarios mostly still involved the northwest and keeping my job.

With the changing seasons here in Iowa I can’t help but think of the changing life seasons.  I came across a classic passage in my Bible readings recently and grasped some of the language in it more than I have in the past.

              Ecclesiastes 3:2-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

² a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
³ a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
⁴ a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
⁵ a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶ a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
⁷ a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
⁸ a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

There are such emotions in this familiar passage. Times of planting, healing, breaking down, building up, weeping, embracing, seeking, keeping, casting away and gathering are many of the ones that personally jumped out at me.

Moving across the country was not an easy and unthought through decision.  I gave up a lot that I was not required to give up.  I could’ve stayed.  


I recently learned that here in Iowa we have prairies.  The root system of a prairie digs down and is 10-20 feet deep.  Every few years they will have controlled burning of the prairies to kill off things growing in the prairie that will harm it.  The deep roots of the prairie survive as the burning is done to ultimately revitalize the prairie and not destroy it.  


These past years have felt like prairie burning years mixed with God’s grace and people in my life to help with the controlled burning.  


Perhaps the problem has been my narrow view and expectations of my life role.  We believe our own narrative more than anyone else’s.  As I have longed for that Hallmark title in my life and my own version of that full story; I miss out on my own very real full story and where God has me.  I miss out on viewing these life phases and different roles as a gift when I view them as placeholders.

I entered into a small town two months ago.  Sometimes I feel like I am in the midst of a Hallmark movie with the atmosphere and community out here.  There are moments when I pause and think, “is this real life?”  and love what God has given me in the current phase.  A time of building up.

In just two short months my life has involved early morning coffee conversations with God, working in a small courthouse and bantering with local attorneys, cooking dinners and making my house a cozy and welcoming place, attending autumn festivals, vineyards and wine tastings, breaking the local bowling alley on Friday nights with my amazing bowling skills,  cookie baking with kids, wandering corn mazes and doing scavenger hunts with youth in town, hiking through prairies and labyrinths, Cubs games with rooftop dinners, living life with my church family and friends……and most recently, line dancing.  Even as I write this, I sit amongst a new group of friends in a writing guild out in the middle of a retreat center. My life is so uniquely blessed with these moments I could never have anticipated.  From the outside, my life probably does look like a Hallmark movie in many ways (minus the man). 

Since arriving in town, I haven’t been more than a few hours without hearing railroads or church bells.  Railroads because they are near my work and the outside of my town; church bells because I live next to the catholic church in town.

That would be my Hallmark movie title, “Railroads and Church Bells”

The church bells ring out next to my house and across the town to gather people.  Every time I hear them, I can’t help but smile at this unanticipated season in life.  This season of togetherness in this small, loving, active community that has so willingly called me theirs as I have called them mine.  The bells remind me of this season of rest, encouragement and building.  They remind me of my faith community and physical community where I can embrace people and live life daily with them.  They remind me of God’s gift of community in this season and a place in life where there are still church bells.

As I hear the trains roaring through town, I think of life speeding along; unless, of course you’re stuck behind the slow train.  Most days I just get stuck at the train crossing and have to wait for it to move by.  Generally, it only happens when I’m in a hurry.  The train roars by and is constantly on the move to the next destination, to the next season.  But for those at the train crossing it’s a forced wait, with a confident peace that eventually you can keep going on.

Recently, I have been personally challenged to focus on the full life I do have instead of focusing on the life expectations of what I “could” have.  This full life of church bell moments of community and railroad moments of life moving forward no matter the pace. 

As I’ve been blinded by my longing for a full life….God has been filling it even when I don’t want to recognize it as such and want to focus on MY version of "full."  

Hebrews 13: 9 says in part; “Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace…….”

As this heart of mine has been scorched in the prairies; God continues to revitalize it as it is strengthened by His grace.  

I don’t know what life will bring and what my role will be in others’ lives or how my own story will play out, none of us really do.  I don’t know what details I’ll forget and remember in years to come as my life speeds along or waits at the crossings.  I don’t know how full and painful of a life I will have as God continually strengthens my heart by His Grace.  But, for at least two months, I’ve had railroads and church bells.

Upside Down Plans

Scared, happy, angry, worried, proud, confident, sad, excited, insecure, surprised, lonely, loved, peaceful…..…..all labels of many emotions throughout a large transition in my life recently as I moved from Seattle, WA, to DeWitt, Iowa.  Or should I say an ongoing transition?  I was given such peace about moving.  Someone must have been praying for clear direction for me! I confess I keep waiting for the doubt to creep in, but too late now!  Most times I recognize how good the last six months were in Seattle.  I had some amazing friends, family was within a drive and I loved my job.  Moving was never about leaving a bad thing or situation.  It was a choice I felt God had given me at this time period in life.  A choice that, quite frankly, I wouldn’t have made or even probably considered had I not moved to Seattle three years ago to begin with.  


I know people say that there are chapters in life.  My life sometimes feels like a Lego house rather than a book with chapters.  I could never forget the prior layer of life or do without it.  There were things I can only move forward from and grow from; friendships I will always cherish for what they were, and many that I am thankful to still have.  


Sometimes life changes can look as though all the layers of a well-designed LEGO house are thrown across the room by an angry toddler scattering everything.  One day, I will probably think I did this with my decision to move; but currently it has felt like a good time for building.

The amount of space mentally and emotionally I have had to breath over the past three weeks has been such a blessing.  As I settle into my new life routine and meet new people, I have had time to spend a significant part of my 5:30 AMs reading the Bible, pouring through notes from current and past teachings, contemplating what God says and how it plays out in life.  Sometimes these morning moments are filled with regrets of failures on my part and soothed by grace.  Sometimes they are filled with encouragement.  Every time, they are filled with thanksgiving for what God is doing within my heart, thoughts, actions and just…..life and the lives of those around me.

I have been reminded over and over that God didn’t give me grace for MY kingdom to work according to MY desires, but has given me grace to capture me for a better place and His kingdom.  How thankful I am for that grace and confidence in something far beyond my understanding.

I have struggled in my own understanding at times with my life looking different than others’ or my own hopes and dreams.  Who doesn’t though?  The life I have, others want; and the life others have I sometimes want.  I came across this gem of a verse in Isaiah this past week.  

Isaiah 29:16

16  You turn things upside down! 

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,

that the thing made should say of its maker,

“He did not make me”;

or the thing formed say of him who formed it,

“He has no understanding”?

How thankful I am for a God who understands my needs and heart better than I do.  That He turns things upside down and away from my own expectations.  I am thankful for a God who does not make ME the ruler of my own life and leave me there.  We tend to be surrounded by phrases like, “You Be You,” or “Be you, Do you, For you,” or “Believe in Yourself.” All of these have intentions of encouragement but ultimately put myself at the center of my life plan rather than God and if I’m deeply honest with myself; everything I have desperately wanted at one time I have been so grateful for it to not end up my way at some point in time.

As I settle into Iowa, my new church is doing a sermon series on Priorities in Life.  We’re discussing and studying the priorities of 1. God 2. Spouse 3. Children and 4. Job.

The teaching has been solid but I confess that at first it felt like as soon as I moved here two of the very things my heart longs for and tends to stray to, but never given, were thrown right in my face.  It doesn’t negate the teachings; and the pastoral staff in my church is so gospel centered that I always get something out of the teachings no matter if I'm in the right place to hear it in life.

But maybe, just maybe, it is exactly what I needed to hear…….

As I soaked in some studies these past few weeks, I couldn’t help but think of the lessons on marriage, men and women and compare them to Christian community and our relationships with each other based in Christ.  Especially since church community is most of what my current social life looks like.  


As I settle into life, I have been challenged to initiate conversations, to say yes when help is offered, and sometimes to be content in being on my own and not hang out with others.  


I have been blessed with being able to connect with people in life; but I haven’t always done well with that.  The motive has not always been in the right place and even now I have selfish motives of just needing people…….it has been refreshing as I step into this new area of life to be reminded of where the source of healthy relationships comes from.  Ephesians 5 speaks of these relationships with each other.  

                         Ephesians 5:15-21

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

I wish I could be this person.  This person that is thankful for everything with a melodic heart.  This person who walks in confidence.  Who makes the best use of their time and is filled with the spirit.  Someone who puts the interest of others above their own because of Christ.

I realized I have looked to other people in the past on what that may look like.  Only to be shattered when they fail and when I fail.  There are many people I look up to and soak in their knowledge and strength, but they too are just people.  I seek their validation of me rather than God’s best for them.  As I look to others, I think of the church at large, flawed people just like me, and where our strength, relationships and motives should come from.

There have been points in time when I have been frustrated with my fellow Christian brothers and sisters.  Where I’ve raged at cheap grace rather than recognize others as just as flawed as me. Where I’ve partaken of cheap grace myself by knowing that whatever I do is forgiven…….


As I think of developing friendships and how to love and support my brothers and sisters in Christ, and think of how they can support me, the vulnerability of it scares me.  I think of the healthy and unhealthy versions of these relationships that I or others have experienced within churches.  To really love and support others sometimes means getting others’ mess on you, or being real enough to allow your mess to get on them.  My prideful side hates this and prefers to hide my mess in fear of burdening others.

This week, I was reading a book called “The Unfolding Mystery” by Edmund Clowney and he compared David and his experience in leadership to how we see Christ in the Old Testament.  Clowney mentions that David’s greatest affliction did not come from the Gentiles but from his own people.  Oh the power we have to build each other up in our insecurities and messes, or tear each other down as brothers and sisters with the knowledge we have.

As I look forward to what God builds in this next life phase with me I have been in constant prayer that friendships I make are rooted in the depths of Christ and not my own expectations and insecurities.  As I contemplate what this would healthily look like I have been encouraged by reading through 2 Peter.  

2 Peter 1:3-12

3 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 4 by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. 5 For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, 6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. 8 For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 10 Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. 11 For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

12 Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.

Us.  Granted to US.  How soothing and encouraging this is to have a community of believers striving for the better of others because of their common foundation in Christ and grace.

This has been my prayer for those in my past church communities, those in my new one and for myself.  That the motives in relationships and community would be from a place of confidence in God and the man Jesus Christ and his life, death and resurrection; and that we would look to Him and not each other where relationships could be built up and broken.  I pray that as relationships play out horizontally they would be based on a vertical confident heart in God, reminding each other of all the qualities based in Christ through all the perceived upside down plans…..though the scared, happy, angry, worried, proud, confident, sad, excited, insecure, surprised, lonely, loved, peaceful moments.

The Offense of Christianity

“How can people say God is love but the same God sends people to hell, how is that a loving God?” rang the words said to me over the brim of a coffee cup.  There was a desire to want to understand God’s love, to understand faith and even a conversation of spirituality. However differently "spirituality" was defined between us.    

I have a mind that constantly over thinks, over analyzes and never stops.  I know that I get too far in my head but in these types of moments my mind empties………all my thoughts run to the corners of my mind and close their eyes while silently begging my brain not to pick on them.  Empty.  What do you say in these moments?  I know my own beliefs and tend to tread lightly with conversations at the risk of not offending someone.

As I sat there fiddling with my small knock-off gold ring on my right hand and an empty mind; I hear myself saying, “You're saying it backwards.”  

“How is that backwards?” was the half amused response, “How do you justify a loving God sending people to hell in your faith?”

By this time, I can feel my own thoughts peaking around the corners wondering what I’m going to say next, because they sure weren’t going to help.

I gear up to change the conversation when out of my mouth comes, “God doesn’t send people to hell; He SAVES us from hell.  Everyone is already separated from God and going there.”

I hate this conversation. Hell.  So nasty and gross.  So offensive. Can’t we go back to talking about Friends reruns?

There are moments, like my coffee conversation, where my mind goes blank and I don’t want to offend someone or make them uncomfortable with conversations of sin, or the fallen state of our world.  Moments when I lock up my own testimony of what God has done in my life and what I have been saved from in order not to offend.  No one wants to offend. 

Christianity is offensive.  Christianity has always been offensive.  Christianity speaks of a world that was made perfectly.  It speaks of relationships between mankind and God that were perfect at one time.....and ruined by sin.  It speaks of how we are now separated from God because of our own sin and makes us recognize the depravity in ourselves. The gospel points out our own sin and short-fallings in God’s Law.  There is nothing that we can do ourselves to fix this.  The human condition at its core is offensive.  Sure, good things can be done even by us sinners, but no one could be completely perfect or holy enough to be in God’s presence with sin.  Even “good people” could never be this perfect.

As uncomfortable as these coffee moments can be when I don’t want to talk about sin and hell; the reality is that we are not left in these places.  The gospel tells of a restored relationship with God through Jesus.  Through the cross where Jesus said the words, “It is finished.”  Sometimes, my sinful side wants to still believe there is something I can do, that it’s not finished, that “Andrea” can do something.  Thank God this is not the case and that it does not rest on me.

The gospel tells me Christ has completed what I could never do by being perfect and paying the price for my sin.  That we are saved through grace.  That our relationship with God is restored through Christ’s finished work.  That God sees us through Christ now.  The gospel tells me of grace that is so undeserved.

I would rather be comfortable and not have these conversations.  But these are the most important conversations.  I live my life with this believe and worldview, yet sometimes lock it up because I worry about offending.  I forget how offensive we are in our human nature and how loving this good news of salvation actually is.

This news of God who loved His people so much that he paid a price we could not.  News that Jesus paid the price to save us sinners....the outcasts of society, the oppressed.

I think back to this coffee conversation during this week leading up to Easter.  I think on my uncomfortableness and wanting non-confrontational conversations.  I love talking theology, God, worldviews when everyone is on the same page!  It’s one of my favorite things to do and comes up in most coffee conversations.  Can’t someone else have the difficult ones?  Maybe the people in my life who seem to always know what to say just at the right time?

C.S. Lewis once said, “Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”

Sometimes I treat my belief as moderately important at the risk of not offending someone else.  Yet it can’t be moderately important or just a lifestyle choice.  If it is false…. then what a waste of time and life; but if true, then it is eternally important and the most important thing.

I don’t think of a loving God sending people to hell because I rest in Christ’s finished work and think of a loving God saving people from hell.  I rest in knowing who I am because of who God says I am.  I rest in knowing I am saved from sin and myself.  I rest in Christ’s completion and not my own knowledge where thoughts abandon me.  I wish I did think of hell more, because then I would remember the urgency.

1 Corinthians 15:16-19 -¹⁶ For if the dead are not raised, not even Christ has been raised. ¹⁷ And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. ¹⁸ Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. ¹⁹ If in Christ we have hope^[b] in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.

Pitied.  If Christianity is only for this life and a lifestyle choice then what a waste of a life.  We are to be pitied as we should have focused on this life and all the things that make THIS life paradise. 

If Christ had remained in the grave and was not raised, then our faith is worthless and we are still in sin that has not been covered by Christ.

But Christ didn’t remain in the grave.  Instead death was conquered and a way provided to be in a restored relationship with God.

This Easter I celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the covering of sin.  I celebrate healing and redemption.  I celebrate restoration.  I celebrate salvation.  I celebrate a God who saves.

I celebrate healing and restoration from my own offensive state.

Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions;  he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.