The Lies of #Blessed

I moved to Seattle ten months ago with the excitement of life changes and a new phase.  When I moved to Seattle it was with the knowledge that some things would be really good and some things would be hard.  I would have always preferred to be a country girl than city girl so city life still sometimes intimidates me.  I could never have anticipated what the last ten months brought.  I still get asked how Seattle is going and I have to stop to realize it has only been ten months.  Sometimes it feels like two years with many lifetimes in them.  God has blessed me while in Seattle in some of the best and some of the most painful ways possible.

It’s easy to think of “blessed” in the sense of #blessed with Instagram pictures of coffee art, friend nights, activities, scenic views or family.  The last ten months have included all of those for me and I love my Seattle life.  I get to live close to friends and my current church community.  My job is going really well and I get to visit the city daily and experience the Seattle life and culture.  I can walk to Pike place on lunch to hear the market sounds and see fish being thrown, or visit museums on free museum days, or go shopping.  I get to have my own hotdog vendor and sit in a cement park listening to local street musicians surrounded by people as they play chess and swarm food trucks.  I can sit on the edge of a fountain during lunch break and read in the sun. I live next to a coffee shop and on the same street as a neighborhood local market and multiple restaurants that I can meet up with friends at a moments notice.  There are people in my life that I cherish and I have formed lifelong relationships.  God has given me many blessings in this phase of life in Seattle.

In the past I’ve narrowed the definition of God’s blessings to be defined as “positive things” in my life.  I’ve been realizing there are more to blessings than just the “good blessings.” Blessing can be defined as a special favor, mercy or benefit. 

My Seattle life has also been one of the most emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging times in my life and has felt like years.  As hard as it has been I’m beginning to see glimpses of how God has been using these times to change and soften my heart.  The hardships I have been through may actually be a special favor, mercy or benefit from God.  He has protected me from myself and my own plans in so many ways while gently guiding me and redirecting me in His plans. 

There were times this last year where it was hard to see God. I see pain every day.  There are a lot of mental health issues in Seattle and along with all the vibrant life in the city comes darkness.  My bus route has people who talk to themselves while genuinely thinking they are talking to others.  I have seen groups of people fight and threaten to “cut each other” or throw hot soup on one another (don’t tell my mom!).  There are women at my bus stop who compare the conditions of the shelters they currently stay in and vent their frustrations on how they get kicked out when they don’t follow the shelter’s rules and take drugs in.  There are people who have it all (job, family, things) yet still struggle with significance, security and purpose in life.  There is so much pain and darkness around me that I can feel helpless to actually fix anything. 

On top of that there were personal struggles with where God had me in life and recognizing when to move on from some friendships.  There were times I felt emotionally and spiritually insufficient and undone and times where I was left wondering, “What are you doing or why would you even allow Satan to do this, God?”  Questions I know better than.  It can be difficult for me to not overanalyze and stress over how I can fix something or try to figure out what I should be getting out of it.  Even as God has physically taken care of me I’ve had to rely more emotionally and mentally on Him the last year than ever before. 

It’s not all as glamorous as my Instagram account would portray. The "#blessed" I use sometimes edits out the hardest places and what God has actually been doing in my life.

In this time of life, one of the many passages God reminded me of was Joel 2.  My life is not quite as desperate as the context of Joel 2 with armies of locust destroying everything.  But emotionally it sometimes felt like it.  I was comforted by how many times I can rely on the phrase, “But God,” or “Yet even now.” It leaves a confidence that even in the darkest of places and times God is still able to change hearts, situations and people.

Joel 2:12-14

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
¹³     and rend your hearts and not your garments.”
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
    and he relents over disaster.
¹⁴ Who knows whether he will not turn and relent,
    and leave a blessing behind him,
a grain offering and a drink offering
    for the Lord your God?

“Yet….even now,” gives hope in dark places.  I can feel insufficient and emotionally drained but can rest in who God is and know that there is nothing for me to do but to give God my heart and allow him to use me.  It takes the emphasis off of me and instead puts it on God and his steadfast love. 

My current hardships may actually be a blessing from God in his mercies and protection from my own “what ifs.”  They have ultimately continued to point me to God and trusting in who He is while leaving behind a blessing.   In the midst of inner turmoil, He has reaffirmed and given me deeper understandings of Who He is, how He sees me and the peace that comes with the confidence in trusting.

Yes, God has blessed me with good things and moments in life that I know I will cherish. But God has also blessed me in the hard times I wouldn’t label as “#blessed.”