Rewritten Prayers

Here we are, 2017 is over and the next year begins.  For me, that means I will probably try to live life better for the upcoming year, whatever “better” may mean.

I sometimes make New Years resolutions, whether they are voiced ones or not.  This year though I have instead opted to reflect on the past year and what I have experienced and learned rather than try to set up goals for the next year.  It has been a doozy of a year to say the least as it has been both amazing and incredibly difficult.  

We sang “It Is Well,” an older hymn, in church this morning and it struck me how true this song was for me this year.  The first verse of the song begins with:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

When I look back through my journaling this last year I can see the sorrows that came as sea billows from situation to situation with barely having room to breath before the next wave hit.  I can also see the occasional peaceful rivers where I felt God comforting me.  This year He really did show me that it is well with my soul.  I have always had the head knowledge of this concept, but I felt it this past year.

I felt emotions more this year than I have at any time in my life.  I hated it.  I’m used to being a quirky, strong, independent, steadfast woman. This year, there have been weaknesses and more tears than I have had in any other year.  But they’ve also washed away some deeply rooted pains in my life as God took situation after situation into his hands and did not leave them in my own trembling ones.

I was able to look back in some of my journals recently and contemplate where God and I are at in my journey and our relationship.  I confess, some of my prayers were selfish although in the selfish moments I did not see them that way and they were not intended to be so.  They centered on life situations and me rather than on God and who He is or who I am because of Him.  I could see a heart being churned and redirected in the writings.  I could see unfiltered and unbridled emotions and expectations of God.

It’s interesting to step back and look at things through a different lens every now and then.  There have been many scriptures, people, situations and books that God has used to pour into my life this year.  Situations have driven me to anger, frustration, hatred, and contempt while I worked through uncontrollable emotions with God.

If I could rewrite my journals and prayers over this past year I would.  I would remove the selfish, anguish of my plan not being God’s plan and just rest in Him.  To rewrite these prayers though would be to edit God’s grace in my life this last year.

 

 

There were other things that were good.  I have rested heavily this year in God’s mercy, peace and grace.  John 1:16 reads “For from his fulness we have all received, grace upon grace.”  I view this imagery of grace sea billows, with grace rolling in and continually being given.  Within the sorrowful sea billows God’s grace continues to abound and carry me.  I have been gifted with unexpected friendships and fun new characters in my life story and been supported and cared for in so many ways by friends and family.  I have been loved unconditionally by others in the midst of insecurities and feeling unloved.  It has been a year of God exposing myself to me and having to face some hard truths but to also be comforted in them, because of Him.

This last year has felt like a year of purpose, even with all the ups and downs.  I’ve been thinking on Psalm 90 lately especially as we go into the new year and I think of potential changes in 2018.  Specifically Psalm 90:12 which states:

So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

God has constantly reminded me this year that the life I am living is one that He has given me.  Not just in an “I am breathing” way…..but in a way that God marks out our boundaries and time and purpose….which means God put me on this earth, in this time period and gave me the life I am living (job, family, friends, relationship status, passions) and has crossed my path with the people in my life, who He has marked out their life for too.   

As we go into the New Year, it is a good reminder that God’s mercy and grace are new every morning, not just every year.  Regardless of the calendar number on the end of the date and my attempt at committing to do better, there is nothing I can do to complete myself but it is by His grace that carries me in his fullness that I can do anything at all.  The full of Psalm 90 reads:

A Prayer of Moses, the man of God.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place

in all generations.

²  Before the mountains were brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth and the world,

from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³  You return man to dust

and say, “Return, O children of man!”

⁴  For a thousand years in your sight

are but as yesterday when it is past,

or as a watch in the night.

⁵  You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,

like grass that is renewed in the morning:

⁶  in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;

in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷  For we are brought to an end by your anger;

by your wrath we are dismayed.

⁸  You have let our iniquities before you,

our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹  For all our days pass away under your wrath;

we bring our years to an end like a sigh.

¹⁰  The years of our life are seventy,

or even by reason of strength eighty;

yet their span is but toil and trouble;

they are soon gone, and we fly away.

¹¹  Who considers the power of your anger,

and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹²  So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

¹³  Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

¹⁴  Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

¹⁵  Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

¹⁶  Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

¹⁷  Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!