A Toilet Paper Clutching Easter

No one could’ve anticipated these past few weeks a year ago.  It is easy to stare at the figures and panic.  I see the “closed cases” results world wide with a 16% death rate…..it seems so high, and I tell myself that maybe all the positive recovery cases just haven’t resolved yet.  But maybe that isn't the case, maybe it will go higher.  The first time I saw it, it was only at 9%.

Life is different for the foreseeable future, maybe forever.  I’ve mourned for lives lost this week.  I cried as Italy’s Prime Minister exclaimed, “We have lost it on Earth, we now seek mercy from the skies.” His pain of what felt like losing a nation with over 2000 deaths in just four days was gut wrenching.  And there can be fear in the possibility of it happening here, to those around us, our loved ones or ourselves.

What is there to do?

In the US, we bought toilet paper.  It seems so logical, right?  As I received toilet paper memes and pictures from my family out in the pacific northwest I knew it was coming my direction to Iowa.  I was prepared and stocked on toilet paper luckily.

The loss of readily available toilet paper was quickly followed by some medications, bread, eggs….those all made a little more sense to me.

When school closures came and people worked from home the need for toilet paper shifted to a need for larger food quantities.  People had to work from home which meant more food at home.  Job losses came and financial worries became even more pressing.

Yet for some reason, we still check for toilet paper when at the store.  Just to be prepared.  Perhaps we will tell ourselves that the world is normalizing if we see it in stock.

My friends….it is as if the whole world realized all at once that we and our loved ones will someday die, yet this is the one sure thing here on this earth.  Death is real.  Yet we clutch that toilet paper tightly to prepare ourselves for hunkering down or getting sick.  We lock our vulnerable people, parents and grandparents up (rightly so at this point in time!).  We stay inside to flatten the curve of this disease and hopefully hinder the spread of it.

It may be that this issue of toilet paper is relatable….the need for toilet paper crosses all spans of our country; from the rich, poor, celebrities, blue collar workers, children…..everyone needs toilet paper.

As we slowly march forward in these new life restrictions, fears and limited gatherings; one thing I have watched in fascination has been how people respond and have looked for ways to continue developing a sense of community.

My town is doing a “heart hunters” for kids.  People are hanging hearts and teddy bears up in windows for kids to search for as they walk.  Friends honk their car horns as they drive by, reminding me that they are around.

Communities have turned to online venues for connection.  Churches have changed in person gatherings to online platforms to stay connected and encourage one another. We still need these connections.

This nasty virus, COVID-19, is a term no one knew months ago yet now we can’t get away from it and it’s impacts to life. It’s highly infectious and you may not even know you have it they say.  I wish it wasn’t real.  I wish it were an overexaggerated scenario that in the end we are told, “oh oops, good job at staying indoors for a few weeks, it’s really just nothing,” but I don’t get the vibe that it is heading that direction.

So, what do we do when we approach the unknown, uncertainty, of sickness of loved ones and thoughts of death?  We buy toilet paper.

I have a confession that may be offensive.  As I’ve mourned this past week, as I’ve taken precautions to stay in and follow CDC guidances, as I’ve hoped for positive outcomes and selfishly to have no one I know personally impacted by this tragedy, as I’ve prayed……I’ve been at peace.  Not a peace of knowing bad things won’t happen…they will…but a peace in what really matters in the depths of life and death.

Maybe I can excuse this peace away by saying, “I don’t have kids to worry about who I am locked in with,” or that “I am fortunate enough to be able to work from home for now,” or  “I have food and know how to cook random things that will last awhile,” or that “I have toilet paper.”  That’s not where the peace comes from though.

As Easter approaches, where we celebrate the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, I can’t help but ponder at the ultimate peace and life He has given us. 

There are multiple emotions with peace.   There can still be mourning within peace.  There can still be sadness.  If restrictions continue, we may just all be huddled around screens this upcoming Easter.  No fun Easter dresses to celebrate the resurrection, no potluck breakfast gatherings, no hugs, no in person community gatherings. As this makes me completely and utterly sad, there is also a peace in knowing that Easter was never about the dresses and potlucks to begin with.  But a celebration of life and of restoration.

My world view is such that I already believe this world is infected.  Even though it was created perfectly, it was infected by sin and we were separated from God. We could never be in the presence of a holy God with this sin we are infected by. And as much as we try, there is nothing we can do in and of ourselves to cure this.

We try to be good, to make a difference, to try and do things on our own.  But we can’t.  These things are just as useful as us clutching toilet paper to solve a pandemic. 

Useless.  I wonder if God looks at us sometimes in our good works and just thinks…..”they’ve lost it again, those toilet paper clutchers.”

My peace comes from already knowing the end.

See, my world view also tells of a God who wants a relationship with people, and who’s son paid a price that we could not pay on our own.  He lived the perfect life that we could not, without sin.  He conquered death and restored relationships with God through him.

It's already been completed; giving us a life beyond these temporal matters of toilet paper, sickness, disease and loss.  Giving us a life of peace and assured future as Jesus has already conquered the ultimate issue of sin and eternal death.  

Are good works needed?  Not to God, but yes we need them.  Our neighbors and family need them.  God also created us to be in community.

I have found little things to smile at in life lately.  Just yesterday, a little neighbor boy was furiously riding his toy tractor in his driveway.  The tractor sent bubbles spilling out as he peddled.  I’d never seen a bubble tractor before.  He’d peddle faster and faster to make more bubbles.  They filled the entire street and went at least forty feet up in the air creating a beautiful wall of peaceful bubbles that surrounded his giggles.  I don’t think he was worried about the toilet paper in that instance.

I miss people.  I miss community.  I mourn for things I had just weeks ago. But there are also things that have come from this time that I have been loving and at peace with.  Perhaps they have been glimpses of God peeling toilet paper out of my clutched hands and reminding me that He is the real answer to the much bigger life issue.

I know it’s cheesy, but I hope that during this time I can be a bubble maker instead of a toilet paper clutcher.  Resting in the peace that in the end; God is stronger no matter the results.

John 16:33
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Psalm 17:13-14

13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord

To Be Known

"What did you lose to make you chase love so much?” was a question I heard the other afternoon.  While not directed at me, it made my perpetually searching heart think.  


We all chase love in some way, but could the source of that chase really be from a loss of something?  If not love then we chase SOMETHING.  We seek acceptance and validation by fitting in or by standing out, we set goals for work, for vacations, for families, for health.  Most of the time when we obtain what our desire was, we just move right on to wanting the next thing.  My pursuit over the years could easily be summed up by chasing love and the desire not only to be loved but also to love someone deeply. To have the husband or kids to love on who just weren’t in God’s plan for me, at least not yet.


When I think of the question “what did I lose to make me chase love so much?” the only answer I can think of is, “myself.”  In these “Losing Andrea” moments I lose track of my identity and who I really am and tend to go full on “what if” tunnel vision on those around me.  I suffer from forgetfulness of who God says I am and seek validation from everyone and everything to define who I am, even though I know better.  


The desire to be known and to know someone is intoxicating.  There’s a comfort and confidence level in having that person who you know is your best friend or has your back even in the frustrating moments.


I’m a social person and it’s no secret that I love knowing people.  I devour hearing people’s stories and connecting with them.  I want to know their thoughts, their emotions, their take on life and all the in-between moments.  I like knowing the little things and what makes them function.  What makes them smile.  I like to pay attention to them.


Not only do I enjoy knowing others but I like being known.  I don’t mean to just have someone know my name.  There are friends and family who know me deeply and many who I barely know.  But the ones who know me……they know all the things and love me still.  They are the ones who spin around in a room when they hear my laugh just to smile from hearing it and wonder what I am up to now.  The ones who share smiles over jokes and tease just the right amount.  The ones who know that if I meet them for breakfast, I will always order the side of pancakes.  They know my fears.  The snow driving and the insecurities I go through of being single.  They know the joys and the humor.  They know coffee is paired with almond milk.  They know the triggers of pain and the tears. They know the happiness and humor.  They know the challenges and joys of public speaking and sharing my heart.  They know I hum to myself subconsciously or that I am a professional car karaoke star.  They know the difference of when I am searching and when my soul is soaring. They know my favorite scent is anything with coconut or almond and my favorite season is fall.  They know my facial expressions. They know the answer to the question while out will always be “red wine.” They know that if I’m stressed the easiest way to calm me down is to throw me a wink.  They know I overanalyze to a fault and they know to tell me not to. They know I love cooking, playing and hanging out with kids.  They know that I love a good camping trip or camp fire.  They know a good theology conversation is one of my favorite things.  They know.


If I were to ask you about who I am your answers would be similar to my list above……a list of habits, preferences and outward appearances.  My own answers may go a little deeper and into my thought processes, desires, insecurities and world views.


To be known though, really known, is terrifying and vulnerable.  Who would love us at our worst? 

I recently completed a personal study on the names of Jesus and God.  Names that almost all ultimately point to us and what He has done and completed for us because of who He is.  In contemplating these names and who God is I am overwhelmed by the depth of who He is and His love even when He knows and sees all the things.


God’s answers to who I am are deeper. God’s answers go beyond what I even fully know about myself and to the depths of who I am.  He sees, knows, and loves us in the good and bad.  He sees my broken heart when all the butterflies die.  He restores even in pain.  He loves. He is wise. He pursues. He saves. He convicts.  He lovingly rebukes.  He adopts.  He writes my story.  He’s faithful.  He’s merciful. He fights for me. He doesn’t leave me.  He is all powerful.  He gives knowledge.  He intervenes.  He is an exciting continual mystery, yet reveals himself to us.  He is rest.  He is peace.  He knows.


When I think of a God like this knowing the depths of who I am and loving me anyways; why would I ever forget who I am and pursue other things?  I was struck this past week with the reminder of resting in who God says I am rather than losing myself and chasing love.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spoken on this or studied this…...yet here I am again studying my identity in God in yet another scenario.


What if instead of chasing love I rest in the fact that I am already loved?   What if instead of losing my identity to the desires of my heart I remember constantly that my identity doesn’t rest on my job, relationship status, hobbies and life stage? What if I remembered that I am:


              *Saved * a Masterpiece *Child of God * Co-Heir * Blessed * Loved * Valuable * Gifted * Chosen * Redeemed * Free * A light * New Creation * Healed * Forgiven * Whole * His *Hopeful * Victorious * Peace Filled * Joyful * Wonderfully Made * Complete * and the list goes on and on……


To remember this stops my chase for love and settles my heart into just wanting to be present with God.  What if we always remembered how God sees us and lived presently and abundantly in that confidence and peace?  


This life would be filled with abundant peace and confidence and rest in the midst of every life stage instead of all the chasing games.


Fred Rogers used to always say, “I like you as you are, exactly and precisely, I think you turned out nicely and I like you as you are.”  How kids’ faces and hearts lit up when they heard this expression.  No pretenses needed or requirements but just being reminded that they are liked with no expectations and that they are not forgotten.


See, God doesn’t forget, not like me.  


Isaiah 49:16 says, “Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.”  


I think of the imagery of being engraved on the vastness of Jesus hands, and that he knows everything about me yet still calls my name.  When I remember that he knows my walls, my sadness, my joys, my happiness, my failures and my sins….yet loves me……I can’t help but feel anything but the desire to pursue presence with Him in my life.  


Yet, here I am, being loved but chasing love……


As I’ve contemplated being present with God lately, I’ve been drawn to the topic of prayer.  Specifically, the phrase that I so often pray of “Thy will be done.”  This phrase has come up in random areas of my life from conversations, to random Facebook posts I’ve seen, to being in passages that I’ve never noticed the phrase in.


Here I am, chasing love, when I’m already loved by an amazing God.  Here I am praying “Thy will be done,” in the midst of asking Him to follow my own pursuits.


How many times have I prayed this as a token phrase intended to surrender my own plans and recognize God’s as better, yet really just resigning myself to “what’s going to happen is going to happen.”  While thinking through the intentions of my heart I can’t help but be captivated by how deep these four words actually are.  In the recognition of who God is and how much he knows and loves us, how can this be anything but a confident, joyful exclamation of peace in all circumstances.  This phrase that recognizes His own character, abilities and love for us.


The reality is that I beg God to change some of my most internal pains…..yet they have turned out to be the biggest blessings that have brought me closer to Him.  They’ve provided opportunities or led to things that I never would have thought of or done on my own.


This year, I pray that my heart, and yours, would be surprised by God.  By a God who knows you and me better than we could ever know ourselves.  That we would live in that confidence and peace whatever stage our lives are in and be present in that with God.


I pray that rather than my constant chase of love and the forgetfulness of who I am because of Him, that He would instead be the echo of my days and I would rest courageously in His presence.   That this would overflow to my family, friends, church community and city.


That I would not lose myself by forgetting who God says I am but that I would live presently in the knowledge of who He is, who I am because of Him and this abundant life I have because of Him.