The Proverbs 31 Checklist

I like checklists.  Maybe it is because there is a feeling of accomplishment when checking off an item, or maybe it is because I know I’m not forgetting something, or maybe I just like the structure and guidelines they provide.  When you complete a checklist you know you’ve done what needs to be done and you’ve hopefully done it right.

The thing with checklists is they can also make you feel inadequate.  If everything isn’t completed then I tend to not focus on what has been completed but on what I have missed or messed up on.  The feeling of inadequacy can be deafening.

I have heard this feeling of inadequacy expressed by many other women lately.  It is a common feeling yet is generally a hidden feeling.  We try to put forth a good image and it can be exhausting.  I don’t know why we do this.  I know others don’t judge me as often as I think they do and I don’t judge other women as often as they probably think I do.  Yet we all put this pressure on ourselves to be perfect.  It’s partially due to our society, but that is a whole other issue.

I’ve been reading Proverbs 31 lately.  It’s really annoying.  It’s hard not read it as being quoted at women to say “see, you need to behave like this.”  If I’m honest, it’s my least favorite passage, but I know there’s a reason for it.  It is hard to not look at this passage as a checklist.  I’ve been trying to dive in and be more positive about this passage lately.

First off, there are different interpretations, some people think it was meant as a guide on how to choose a godly wife, some people think it is reflective of how the church should be as the bride of Christ, and some think it is just a poem.  It is written in the form of an acrostic (each verse beginning with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet). 

The point is, no matter the intention of this passage, it has been easy for our Christian culture to turn this passage into an unrealistic checklist and guideline for women to strive for.

Chapter 31 actually starts with nine other verses that begin with, “The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him:”   So, thank you King Lemuel’s mother, from every female that is already terrified of a future mother-in-law’s expectations for their baby boy. 

The Woman Who Fears the Lord (Proverbs 31:10-31)

^10 [d] An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She dresses herself^[e] with strength
    and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet.^[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates
    when he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
    she delivers sashes to the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the gates.

 

In case you missed all of that, basically the checklist for the perfect woman is:

• Not real, because as verse 10 states, who can find her?
• Trusted by her husband’s heart
• Does good and not harm, every single day.
• Works Hard
• Takes care of her family
• Gets up early to make sure everything is in order
• Provides for those she is responsible for or in charge of
• Is a savvy business woman who is able to consider property and invest
• Is Strong
• Ambitious and not lazy
• Works with the poor and betters her community
• Has strength, dignity and confidence (she doesn’t worry)
• Wise
• Teaches kindness
• Her children bless her (so they must be perfect little angels)
• Her husband praises her (so he must be impressed)
• She is better than all other women and has surpassed them
• She fears the Lord
• Is known in her city for because of all the good things she does

What in the world….…..thank you King Lemuel’s mom for teaching men everywhere to hold future wives to this expectation and to haunt Christian women forever.  It can be dangerously easy to look at this as a checklist, and instantly feel inadequate.  There is more to it than that though.

The whole point of this passage is a picture of a woman who fears the Lord.  Not being afraid of the Lord, but seeking Him, obeying Him, having a relationship with Him.  You can't follow a checklist in a relationship, it doesn't work that way.  But when we seek God, the rest follows, and it follows more naturally than trying to meet unrealistic expectations and being perfect.

A woman who seeks God has an inner strength and as verse 25 says she laughs at the days to come.  She’s not worried because her confidence and hope is in God.  When her confidence is in God then she no longer tries to put forth an unrealistic picture of herself and can just be genuine and real.  She has given her insecurities to God (and probably continually has to do so) and knows what God’s purpose is for her life; being in a relationship with God and reflecting Him to others. 

This woman’s life matters! She has put aside expectations of others and is focused on God.  She is active, speaking wisdom, being a blessing, taking care of her children and the poor and has a servant’s heart.  This woman has a life that is marked with good works because of her love for God.  Not because she is perfect and trying to accomplish more perfectness, she is probably far from perfect.

Because of her relationship with God and her confidence in him, her society is better, her home life is better, and her community is better.  Not because of her and efforts she is putting in on her own, but because of what God is doing in her relationship with Him.

One of my favorite things about this passage is when it actually references her husband, the Proverbs 31 man.  It never mentions love in the sense of romance or passion but in vs 11 states, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.”  This is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard.  Trusting another with your heart is hard.  But this is a deeper type of trust reflecting a much deeper love than just romance.  It’s based on a confidence that she is in a relationship with God along with him, and that they together can trust each other as they continue to trust in God. 

We need more women like this; women who have a relationship with God and wherever they are at in life are seeking Him and in doing so it overflows to others.

So I will put aside my love of checklists and recognize this not as a passage meant to be an intimidating list of requirements, but rather one that reflects the beauty of a relationship with God.

And to my future husband who hopefully has been protected from looking at this passage as expectations for me.....I look forward to when our hearts can trust in each other......because of our relationships with God and not because of expectations of each other.