Why I Stayed In Church

There have been longstanding discussions of “younger people” leaving the church, specifically millennials. As a millennial I've been asked why I think young adults have left the church in this generation more than others.  I know there are a lot of opinions and research on this topic ranging from generation gaps, to failed youth groups, to blaming the generation before, to cultural differences, etc.  Normally these discussions are with the intention of preserving and growing the church, growing the people and they try to address the problem of “how to stop young people from leaving.”

I’m not going to try to even hypothesize and explain why millennials have left the church because there are multiple reasons and some are individual decisions or individual church issues.

I will however express why I, as a millennial, have stayed.

I grew up in the church and have been around churches most of my life, ones that I have been a member of and ones that I have not.  Each church I have attended or visited has been different and has had its own culture and community.  I have seen churches that strive to put on a good program, or ones that focus on community groups and connecting, or ones who focus on community outreach or family development.  Church culture generally depends on the individuals in the church and how they contribute or what their strengths are.  I’ve seen churches change the lives of people through resources God has given them, or through reaching out in love.  I’ve seen churches unintentionally hurt people.

I’ve stayed in the church.   I’ve stayed through church politics that I don’t agree with.  I’ve stayed through seeing congregations argue internally.  I’ve stayed through sometimes feeling that I can’t fully serve because of a church’s erring view on women serving.  I’ve stayed through frustrations and through being hurt by others.  I’ve stayed when at times I haven't wanted to.  I'm not pin-pointing one specific church because I believe this would be an issue anywhere.

The church is a messy place.  It’s a messy place because those in it are not perfect.  I am not perfect.  If I left church then I hurt myself the most, create divisions and questions within the church, and whatever my frustrations would be would not be resolved.  Those frustrations would move forward with me to a new church.

I believe there are times to leave a specific church community, depending on situations, but it’s important to look at what the frustration is and if it’s something that you disagree with biblically or if it is coming from yourself.  Sometimes it’s our own mistakes that are causing the friction, and we need to take ownership to resolve it or seek help to resolve it.  

I’ve stayed because I believe in what the church could be and is.  I’ve stayed because I have a love for the Christian community, and the broken people within it.  When I think of community I think of coming in and connecting and learning how to love better and serve better.  It can be hard to connect and pour your life into others.  But that’s the point of community, to lean in when people would lean out.  Church communities live life together in the messiness and serve God by serving each other and reaching out.

I stay because I want to be part of that.  I recognize that it will be messy but I also recognize that things will not change by me just leaving.  In fact, if they are ever to change then it takes people staying and being present in each other’s lives. 

When we leave, we generally leave with the idea of “church exists to benefit me and I’m not getting what I need out of it right now.”  If our idea of church is what we can take from it then we will never be happy and will go from church to church without resolving the real issue of ourselves.

There are some very real reasons that you should leave a church.  We generally jump to this as the first solution though rather than a last resort.  

Galatians 6:10 says, “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

There is a lot of opposition outside of the church in our world.  This is nothing new.  We should be reaching out into the community and into the lives of others, yet sometimes we get caught up in ourselves and have to deal with what’s on the inside of the church.

So before leaving a church, try to resolve whatever issue you are struggling with.  If it is people, try to reconcile and understand.  You may be more similar than you realize whether you are a millennial or not.

Check yourself first to see if there is anything you are being unrealistic about.  Have you elevated things to the level of the Apostles Creed that should not be there?  “I believe in God the Father almighty……I believe in this specific political party….I believe in this musical preference in church…..I believe I have to have this type of Bible study….I believe that the pastor has to do this……..I believe in…..”  

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

This should be our approach to church community; to pour into others and stir up love and good works in them.

I admit, there are times I can look at other Christians I am frustrated with and just think, “I’m done, why do I put myself through this?” but I do it because others have done it for me.  Showing God’s love for others is not always easy.  That’s why it’s God’s love and sometimes not ours.  Or even better, it becomes ours because of God in us.

This is why I stay in church.  I stay because I have hope for what it could be.  I have hope for a group of messy, unfinished people who pour into each other and spur each other on to love and good works.  I don’t church hop because I want to form those relationships, no matter how hard.  I get a lot out of church and community by not looking for what I can get out of it but by being present in it.

This is why I have stayed.

"It's You, It's Always Been You"

I thought I would share something with you that I’ve been thinking on over the past few months since moving to Seattle.  This is more geared towards other single women, but maybe there is a little something for everyone in it.

So often as single women it is tempting to live in the future, to look forward to when life will start when you meet someone and fall in love and obtain the “happily ever after.”  The thought and desire to finally know who your person is can be intoxicating.  I think it is okay to hope for this, but there is a difference between hoping and not living life because you are waiting.

In general, I find that single women I talk to fall in a few different categories.  They are really good at guarding their heart and not liking men, or they easily fall for guys over and over.  I unfortunately fall into the latter category.  I’m picky, don’t get me wrong, but when I do find men that have the core qualities I like then I fall pretty hard and fast, and then normally don’t end up acting like myself around them because I get nervous; it’s a vicious circle.

There are times that I really despise the fact that I feel things strongly and that I wish I could stop feelings or control my heart.  But it is an aspect about myself that I also like in other areas.  There are romantic options in my life who I wish I did like and returned feelings for, because they have qualities I admire.  There are also romantic options who I wish I didn’t like anymore when they do no return my feelings.  “Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.” – Mark Beech. How I wish there was an on or off button, or a cage that blocked feelings  A heart cage to block feelings would sometimes be welcomed.

It can be a little tough as a single female sometimes. Other times it is the best thing in the world. 

I go through phases of loving being single, and hating it.  I’m currently heading into a “loving being single” time in my life.

I have gone through many thought processes over the years from being single and trying to figure out why God has kept me single. 

·         The “God’s punishing me” phase, because he knows how awful of a person I really am.

·         The “God’s forgotten me” phase, because he has better things to do than really worry about me.

·         The “God is keeping me single” phase, that maybe he can use me in my singleness

·         The “God is teaching me lessons”  phase, that maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship of that caliber

Over the last year I’ve actually been focusing on the fact that there is nothing more to it than just God’s timing. That doesn’t necessarily change restless hearts though.  As confident as I can be in life, and in God, my heart still struggles against me and sometimes against God.  Sometimes I want what is not in God’s timing.  This is when God and I wrestle.

This past week I had the opportunity to spend some time out by a lake for a few hours alone with God just reading and journaling.  I really don’t do this as often as I wish I could.  I can’t even explain the feeling of just wedging myself between some large rocks, curling up in a blanket on a lakeshore surrounded by mountains and just being present in absolute silence.  The night before I laid on that same beach under a breathtaking blanket of stars.  It’s hard not to feel God in these moments that calm the soul and quiet the struggling or wandering heart.

A quite heart is a rare experience for me but so welcomed.  I enjoy cheesy love quotes and recently found one that said, “It’s you, it’s always been you.”  I’ve always liked the idea of a friendship turning into romance.  To be able to look at someone and suddenly realize, “it’s you,” and have all of the time gap make sense. 

While lying on the cold beach this past weekend, staring up at countless stars and feeling so alive and at peace in the crisp night air, I had the thought of “it’s you, it’s always been you.”  Not about some man though, or friend, but about God. 

I’ve had many phases in life and God has taken me on quite a journey.  I always end up being grateful for His timing or thankful that things didn’t work out certain ways had they been up to me.  I can’t even begin to comprehend what God has done with my life so far and what He will continue to do with it.  Sometimes I just look at my life and shake my head. I’ve been the nerdy homeschooler, the crazy college kid, moved with a band across a country, been a career woman, and currently endeavoring on my “improve physical/mental health outdoorsy woman” phase.  In all of these life phases I have had, God has been there and the one at the center of everything. 

I am writing this blog, to encourage single women to not just “wait.”  There are times in my life where I have just waited for life to start.  Don’t just wait.  Embrace the phases and where God has you at in life.

Be the woman you needed as a girl.   In this phase of life, be a strong, mentally healthy woman that continually grows in life and is present in the life of those around you.  Wrestle with God, and be okay with it rather than drowning in self-pity.

I have had a verse that I always come back to over the years. This past weekend God showed me the verses in front of those verses.  Verses I have read many times, but never quite fully read.  They comforted and reassured me in my restless, wandering heart ways.

Psalm 73:21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

I confess I can be senseless and ignorant, and embittered when I don’t get my way, thank God he holds me no matter where I am in life.  And then the familiar verses to me of:

Psalm 73:25-26 ²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

My heart can be restless, and grieved, and embittered.  But recently, it has been quiet and strengthened as it is surrounded by God.  I desire to reach out to others and to live life with others; to love others and want what is best for them even when painful to me or when it goes against my own agendas.  I can be at peace and not worry about “waiting for life to start,” because life is already well on its way and has amazing things to experience.  

We only have so long in this life between the dusts.  Embrace it, experience it, and share it with others.  Go through life phases and changes.  Cherish friendships around you and desire what is best for others.  Be the woman, you needed as a girl, and pour into others.