"It's You, It's Always Been You"

I thought I would share something with you that I’ve been thinking on over the past few months since moving to Seattle.  This is more geared towards other single women, but maybe there is a little something for everyone in it.

So often as single women it is tempting to live in the future, to look forward to when life will start when you meet someone and fall in love and obtain the “happily ever after.”  The thought and desire to finally know who your person is can be intoxicating.  I think it is okay to hope for this, but there is a difference between hoping and not living life because you are waiting.

In general, I find that single women I talk to fall in a few different categories.  They are really good at guarding their heart and not liking men, or they easily fall for guys over and over.  I unfortunately fall into the latter category.  I’m picky, don’t get me wrong, but when I do find men that have the core qualities I like then I fall pretty hard and fast, and then normally don’t end up acting like myself around them because I get nervous; it’s a vicious circle.

There are times that I really despise the fact that I feel things strongly and that I wish I could stop feelings or control my heart.  But it is an aspect about myself that I also like in other areas.  There are romantic options in my life who I wish I did like and returned feelings for, because they have qualities I admire.  There are also romantic options who I wish I didn’t like anymore when they do no return my feelings.  “Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.” – Mark Beech. How I wish there was an on or off button, or a cage that blocked feelings  A heart cage to block feelings would sometimes be welcomed.

It can be a little tough as a single female sometimes. Other times it is the best thing in the world. 

I go through phases of loving being single, and hating it.  I’m currently heading into a “loving being single” time in my life.

I have gone through many thought processes over the years from being single and trying to figure out why God has kept me single. 

·         The “God’s punishing me” phase, because he knows how awful of a person I really am.

·         The “God’s forgotten me” phase, because he has better things to do than really worry about me.

·         The “God is keeping me single” phase, that maybe he can use me in my singleness

·         The “God is teaching me lessons”  phase, that maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship of that caliber

Over the last year I’ve actually been focusing on the fact that there is nothing more to it than just God’s timing. That doesn’t necessarily change restless hearts though.  As confident as I can be in life, and in God, my heart still struggles against me and sometimes against God.  Sometimes I want what is not in God’s timing.  This is when God and I wrestle.

This past week I had the opportunity to spend some time out by a lake for a few hours alone with God just reading and journaling.  I really don’t do this as often as I wish I could.  I can’t even explain the feeling of just wedging myself between some large rocks, curling up in a blanket on a lakeshore surrounded by mountains and just being present in absolute silence.  The night before I laid on that same beach under a breathtaking blanket of stars.  It’s hard not to feel God in these moments that calm the soul and quiet the struggling or wandering heart.

A quite heart is a rare experience for me but so welcomed.  I enjoy cheesy love quotes and recently found one that said, “It’s you, it’s always been you.”  I’ve always liked the idea of a friendship turning into romance.  To be able to look at someone and suddenly realize, “it’s you,” and have all of the time gap make sense. 

While lying on the cold beach this past weekend, staring up at countless stars and feeling so alive and at peace in the crisp night air, I had the thought of “it’s you, it’s always been you.”  Not about some man though, or friend, but about God. 

I’ve had many phases in life and God has taken me on quite a journey.  I always end up being grateful for His timing or thankful that things didn’t work out certain ways had they been up to me.  I can’t even begin to comprehend what God has done with my life so far and what He will continue to do with it.  Sometimes I just look at my life and shake my head. I’ve been the nerdy homeschooler, the crazy college kid, moved with a band across a country, been a career woman, and currently endeavoring on my “improve physical/mental health outdoorsy woman” phase.  In all of these life phases I have had, God has been there and the one at the center of everything. 

I am writing this blog, to encourage single women to not just “wait.”  There are times in my life where I have just waited for life to start.  Don’t just wait.  Embrace the phases and where God has you at in life.

Be the woman you needed as a girl.   In this phase of life, be a strong, mentally healthy woman that continually grows in life and is present in the life of those around you.  Wrestle with God, and be okay with it rather than drowning in self-pity.

I have had a verse that I always come back to over the years. This past weekend God showed me the verses in front of those verses.  Verses I have read many times, but never quite fully read.  They comforted and reassured me in my restless, wandering heart ways.

Psalm 73:21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

I confess I can be senseless and ignorant, and embittered when I don’t get my way, thank God he holds me no matter where I am in life.  And then the familiar verses to me of:

Psalm 73:25-26 ²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

My heart can be restless, and grieved, and embittered.  But recently, it has been quiet and strengthened as it is surrounded by God.  I desire to reach out to others and to live life with others; to love others and want what is best for them even when painful to me or when it goes against my own agendas.  I can be at peace and not worry about “waiting for life to start,” because life is already well on its way and has amazing things to experience.  

We only have so long in this life between the dusts.  Embrace it, experience it, and share it with others.  Go through life phases and changes.  Cherish friendships around you and desire what is best for others.  Be the woman, you needed as a girl, and pour into others.