Broken Cracks

I recently sat around a living room with six of my closest friends discussing a hard dynamic that has heavily been on my heart and mind. The conversation included uncaged words, emotions and my tears. As my eyes began welling up I could sense the collective thoughts from my friends of, “Oh no, we broke Andrea.” The thing about friendship, real friendship, is that these moments come from a place of love and genuine concern for each other.  It wasn’t an intervention, but maybe it should have been.

There are areas in my life that are continual vices.  Areas that as strong as I can be, are sometimes too much for me alone.  I know that everyone has their own insecurities and struggles, but sometimes it’s easy to think that they are your own, and no one else understands them.  Or it is easy to bottle it up, bury it, and make life look clean and pretty.  Mine normally center around relationships, or unrealized relationships.  Sometimes I think God ironic, because one of my vices is also my biggest blessing in life. Sometimes I ask God to “fix” this area of my life, that being single is too much anymore.  With how deeply I feel things, I’ve probably been asking God for the very thing that I would need to try not to put above Him.  He has given me exactly what I have asked in some ways though.

In the moments that I feel like it can be too much, I have friends who have been willing to connect, care and weather the Andrea struggles with the good times too. That is what I’ve always wanted, someone to connect with, to share the beauty in life along with the struggles when they come up.

I’ve had a lot of deep introspective Andrea moments these past months.  What God has given me has been more than I ever would have guessed or desired and I know He’s faithful in knowing what I actually need.

I can’t help but marvel at the small moments over the last months that God has given me to remind me how much I enjoy where He has put me in this season of life.  There’s the coffee dates, the girls nights, the roommate who is quirky enough to handle my quirky, the married friends in my life who continue to show what a real relationship would look like.  I could go on and on.  I could mention sitting in the sun on lunch breaks with a good book or walking to Pike place every Monday to buy fruit for the week.  I could mention my Jersey hotdog vendor who calls me “honey pie” (I think that’s good?) or my morning bus rides with familiar strangers.  I could mention my gym and moving towards a healthier physical lifestyle, or the pizza place down the street where my local area friends gather at least once a week and comes complete with a cranky waiter/maybe owner named Pete, but Pete knows I like the house red wine. I could mention the multiple areas of community that I have in my life between work, church and friendship.

This is my life.   God has allowed me a to have a life where my brokenness and cracks are held together by His grace and mercy.  He has surrounded me with friends and multiple individuals who have been able to speak words of encouragement into my life in all areas.

I’ve learned that my life is what God has given me for this time.  I have also learned that I genuinely like it.  In the past when I have wanted things or life to be different God has remained faithful in what He knows I need.  I know He will do that each time in the future as well.

A constant prayer of mine has been that God would give me a heart to love others and see them as God loves and sees them, as I know He has given me people who love me in the same way.  Perhaps God has been answering this prayer, when being present in the pain can lead to loving others in their struggles.   Thank God for his grace and mercy as we live out lives with broken cracks held in His hands.