Of Stories and Chapters

My life is not just one story, but many stories.  Chapters open and close in devastation or excitement.  There have been times of uncertainty and times of confidence.  Stories of insecurities and successes, of pain and heartache, and friendship and love.  There are moments when my heart and mind scream “Oh, I finally get it!” only to be humbly reminded months or years later that no, no I don’t get it.  Maybe I have the head knowledge but have not had to experience something and having the knowledge and facing it in reality can be two very different things.   

I recently closed out a chapter of my life that was painful but needed.  In that process I felt myself fighting to not become angry or bitter at God for allowing some things to occur or not occur in my life.  I was angry at other people who are also fallible and made hurtful choices and actions.

The thing is though, it will happen again in life.  The pain and hurt in life situations will come and go in various forms.  There will be moments when I will selfishly cry out "Why Me, God? Why Now?" in various forms.  They will continue to drive me to call on God out of anguish for guidance, wisdom and peace.

When crying out to God for peace and understanding in this past chapter in life there were moments when people unknowingly spoke into my life.  There were Bible passages, articles or podcasts that God used to encourage me at the exact moment I needed it. There were times where I was so grateful for a simple text from a friend. There were also times where I felt silence from God.  Times where I failed miserably by trying to do it on my own and couldn’t see past myself.  People can be the least lovable when they need love the most.  I loved a friend at their darkest and struggled to not lose myself in that. God provided people to spur me on and love me for me and encourage me.  

The truth is, that it’s never been about me or my story.  It’s God’s story and what He is doing in and through my life.  There are moments when I know this but I lose site of resting in all the amazing things God is doing in my life presently and hope for a different future.  A future based on what I assume would be better, even though it could be devastating if realized.

In these situations, it is easy to assume that God is testing my faith.  It’s not true though.  God knows my faith already and instead is reminding me of how deep His faithfulness is no matter the situation. 

Psalms 23 has been a passage that I have known my entire life.  It’s been one I have taken for granted and just known the words of but never cared much for if I am honest.  I get it.  We’re stupid sheep and God takes care of us.

During the last month, I read the book “A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23” by W. Phillip Keller who was born in East Africa and was among other things…. wait for it…a shepherd.  This book had been buried in a pile of books for the past months when I found it in my purse while stuck on a long bus ride spurring me to read it at probably just the time I needed to in life.

 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. 

It would be impossible to summarize everything I got out of the book but there were some great takeaways.  The first verse alone demands that we consider what type of Shepherd is the Lord and what is His character?  Do we think He is the type that would abandon us to fend for ourselves or the type that genuinely wants what is best for us even when it feels painful or we can’t see the other side of it? There was quite a price paid for us and He loves in ways that we will never understand. 

I learned a lot about sheep, like the fact that they will not lie down unless they are free from friction with other sheep, free from flies and parasites and free from hunger.  “He makes me lie down in green pastures” isn’t just Him forcing us to lazily lounge in fields.  They are all aspects of life that when we trust Him with them we can be at rest.

I also learned that sheep are creatures of habit.  They will follow the same path until it becomes a rut and graze the same field until it is a desert.  They will pollute their own ground until it is corrupt.  A good shepherd will be aware of this and move the sheep even when they don’t want to be prodded on.  “He leads me in paths of righteousness” by once again showing His character in moving us to what is better in Him.

Sheep are also led to higher ground during the spring to new pastures.  During this time, the sheep are commonly alone with the shepherds.  They go through valleys to reach the higher ground and in these valleys, are some of the best untouched grasses.  It can be dangerous but is also one of the quickest and gentlest ways to move sheep to the higher ground.

 

 

In the last verse David says, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”  Sheep, when they have a good shepherd who knows what is best for them, leave behind flourishing meadows and are beneficial to the prosperity of the land.  Which begs the question of, as Christians, when we follow and trust in God in the ups and downs in life, are we leaving behind love, goodness and mercy to others because of our relationship with God?

That brings me back to where I am at now.  I didn’t close out my last chapter in life in a way that left behind the amount love and mercy I would have liked it to.  I know that my life is ultimately God’s story and am hopeful that as I continue to grow in Him that each chapter and story does leave behind love and mercy whether it is a devastating or joyful chapter, or maybe a little of both.   

God continues to show me who He is in the Psalms this month.  In Psalm 46 He reminded me to stop trying to wrestle and fix things on my own and to in some situations just be still and know that He is God.  It is more peaceful to be still and just know that He is God, my shepherd, and to continue to call on Him for wisdom, guidance and peace during both the difficult and good chapters. 

So when I am a restless, creature of bad habit, self-destructive sheep I can still trust that God is doing something in my life with His ultimate story for me.