The Bad News of Christmas: Peace On Earth

My family grew up celebrating the day before Christmas Eve as “Christmas Adam.”  It was just an extra day tacked on to our festivities in order to help us five children count down the days to Christmas.  We used to say it was because Adam came before Eve in the Bible, so the day before Christmas Eve was obviously Christmas Adam.  As a 23-year-old I wished my friend group a Merry Christmas Adam and quickly discovered how much Christmas Adam was “not a real thing.” 

This year though, I was thinking I wished it was a real thing.  I’ve been enjoying all the Christmas festivities and Andrea traditions like sugar cookies, Christmas music car karaoke, making a new craft décor, picking out an ornament that reflects the last year for me, watching the token Hallmark movie and making homemade bread, cider and eggnog. I’ve attended the parties and seen the lights at night.  I intentionally drown in nostalgia this time of the year.  I did one thing more intentionally this year than I’ve done in the other years. 

I did an advent devotional in the mornings.  One that didn’t just talk about the basics and logistics of the birth story in the Bible but talked about the story as a whole.

As I was thinking through some of these topics this month, I kept coming back to the thought and topic of “the bad news of Christmas.”

The bad news of Christmas goes clear back to that garden at the beginning, where the world was created and was good and perfect.  It also goes back to the very story of Adam and Eve, where choices were made and humanity broke as mankind was separated from God.

See, the bad news of Christmas is that we ever needed it to begin with.  We celebrate the birth of a baby, and sometimes edit out the messiness and the need for the birth to begin with.  To grasp the beauty of the story and the celebration of the story, we have to realize the darkness of it first.

The darkness of a couple in a perfect garden who would have known what it was like to literally live in paradise with God.  They would’ve known the heartbreak of sin as it changed their relationship with each other, with God and with mankind forever.  They experienced the devastation of going from the garden to our broken world.  We have to realize the darkness of sin in ourselves and that we can’t do anything to change that on our own.

There are times that we all discuss peace in general or peace on earth as a desire.  We would like to have no war, no family fights, no broken homes.  We would like to have everyone agree or at least disagree civilly.  We would like true peace.  The bad news is, this will never actually be a real thing.  We will always mess it up.  We will always sin because ever since the garden it has been in our nature, deeply rooted.  If we were the ones in the garden then we’d be the ones making the wrong choice as well.   There was also a promise made in the garden though.  In the very midst of the curse God promised a savior would come.

In the Bible, the Old Testament continues to point towards a Savior coming who will set up a kingdom and save them.  But when He did come, it wasn’t what they expected.  It wasn’t to give them the physical comfort of peace on earth or establish a lavish kingdom to rule them all.  It was to save us from the brokenness and the sin.  It was to redeem us and restore us to a relationship with God as we could never do it ourselves. 

When we recognize the complete story of how lost we are as sinful humans; when we recognize the depths of the darkness in ourselves, then we grasp the bad news.  That we are uncapable of saving ourselves.  Which leads us to the good part.

I love the Christmas pageants and Sunday school children reciting the Christmas story.  My heart is filled with joy every time a little girl dressed as a sheep steals the baby doll from the manger or all three wise men don’t make it down the aisle as one runs off to the safety of mom and dad.  It makes my heart sing.

It should make all of our hearts sing as it made angels sing in praise to God. It’s a beautiful story.  

The story tells of how Jesus has come and is the only true Peace on Earth.  Not that he has come to reform government and end suffering, but has come to redeem us and restore us to God and be our peace in the midst of this broken world.  As our hearts grasp the entire story, we can see the beauty of God’s grace as our brokenness is covered completely and a relationship restored by His finished work.

I pray that this year we could see the bad news of Christmas, that leads us to the beautiful news of Christ being born.  A birth worthy of angel choirs, cosmic changes in the stars, and traveling kings; yet taking place in the humblest of places.  Peace on Earth.

A Cold and Broken Hallelujah

Life can change so dramatically from Holiday season to Holiday season.  One year can be filled with traditions and laughter; and the next filled with heartbreak.  I’ve had years filled with growth, challenges, positive life events, years I would like to forget, years I want to remain in and years that go by with nothing really noteworthy.
 

This past year has been a weird and hard one for me and hasn’t really fit the mold of previous years.  Yet God’s presence in it has been overwhelming.  You would think by the age of 33 I would have life down.  Oh, the naivety of thinking one ever has life down.  I am extremely grateful for everything in my life.  I love my job, friends, have an amazing family and there are ways that God blesses me and gives me grace that I can’t even comprehend or recognize sometimes.
 

Yet, my 32-33rd year may be the year that broke Andrea, but also the year that God allowed me to see the depths of who I am and also what I have been saved from.  Myself.

 

 

It hasn’t failed that in a moment of spiritual wrestling God pointed well known passages out that breathed life back into me in new ways.  Or I had coffee with a friend, listened to a sermon, read a book or saw a social media post that confirmed or resolved concepts I wrestled with.  God used the most random situations or people in my life to speak to me, reassure me and love me; sometimes without them even knowing it.

 

 

Romans 12:3-8 is a verse I’ve known and always read as being commonly used for gifts and the unity of the body of Christ.  Which is what it’s about, but this year it spoke to me in a new way.  “Know Yourself” the verses whispered.

 

 

³ For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. ⁴ For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. ⁶ Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; ⁷ if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; ⁸ the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

 

 

As I struggled with hurtful actions and getting feisty over defending what I believed and offended on behalf of God, instead he told me to, “Know Yourself.”  It’s far easier to think of others with sober judgment than to think of yourself.  People don’t like to admit when they are broken.  I have tried to always be the one who holds everything together for myself and others.  But knowing myself this past year meant recognizing how broken I was and how certain situations were continuing to break me more as I drowned in them.  It meant realizing that my life is not actually about me and never will be; and to be involved in Christian community meant to know myself first, to know God first.

 

 

I can tell you the exact moment I broke but it wasn’t just that one moment.  That moment was just when I finally admitted to myself how broken I was.  It was multiple fractures, tiny ones at first that penetrated the depths of my heart and had been patchworked back together.  Looking back at it now I can strongly say that there were areas of my heart that I held onto without even realizing it.  Areas that I thought were His and that I didn’t even know about myself. 

 

 

I would like to say that I took this growth time as a positive challenge head on.  The reality is that I struggled.  I wrestled.  As I dealt with health issues, friendships, caring and getting into my own head too much; life became mentally difficult.  To find the good things in life I literally wrote down something I was grateful for every day.  I recognized all the things in life I had going for me exteriorly but internally I was in a very difficult and claustrophobic spot.

 

 

The moment I broke was a Wednesday.  I was at work with all my counterpart managers from around the state visiting my office for a two-day meeting.  I was called out of the meeting to take an urgent call and on the other line was a man’s voice.  It was the father of one of my team members who informed me that she had passed away that morning.  I had spoken to her the previous day by phone and in no way was expecting this call.  As his words flowed over me, I shut the blinds to my office that overlooks my employee area and sank to the ground.  Sitting against a cold metal cabinet in my office, devastation filled me as my soul bled tears while I prepared to share the news with my office.

 

 

That night, I wandered the downtown Seattle streets alone.  I numbly took in the night sights of a lit-up carousel for Christmas, the giant Macy’s star that shines through downtown, lit trees lining the streets and store windows filled with Christmas displays.  Arriving home with raw emotions I crawled into a bathtub to eat cheesecake and turned on Lauren Daigle’s Christmas album that I had just bought.  That’s the moment I broke.  In a bubble bath, with cheesecake, listening to Lauren Daigle’s voice.

 

 

As my bathwater turned cold and the cheesecake sat half eaten, I stared at the ceiling……all the fractures from the last year piled up as thoughts of mourning, insecurities, failures of others, failures of mine, friendships and hidden areas of my heart fully fractured and broke me.  Leaving me with a feeling of having no unwritten chapters yet to come. 

 

 

But there were unwritten chapters.  Many of them.  I wish I could say that it also marked an immediate upward turn, but that would take months and intentional steps and actions to remove myself from mentally unhealthy things for me. As unknown idols slipped from my heart God began slowly filling and repairing it with other things.  Things of Him.  There’s this Japanese art form called Kintsugi where broken pottery is repaired by filling the cracks with gold or some other type of filler to create a beautiful piece of pottery.  The finished piece is strikingly beautiful as the cracks and fractures turn into the most beautiful element of the pottery once the artist is finished.

 

 

God reminded me of previously known concepts to me that I now drowned in.  Concepts like Law and Grace and God’s completed work.  These were all things I believed, things I knew and studied but now was feeling the depth, pain and joy of them as they repaired me and rebroke me over the following months.

 

 

The Law continued to Judge me and point out exactly how to be perfect and how much I am not, that no one is.  The Law taught me to know myself.  To know the depths of exactly how broken I am.  That no matter the good actions I do in life I am still internally broken and could never be perfect enough to fulfil God’s Law.  The Law points to how much Christ actually did for me.

 

 

The completed work of Christ reminds me daily that “it is finished.”  That when sin entered the world God provided a remedy and promise even in the midst of it.  That the birth of Christ led to Peace on earth as HE is our peace in the midst of all of the brokenness.  That He paid the price and redeemed us even as we were broken.  That it is finished and there is nothing we could do to save ourselves.

 

 

The Grace of God continued to heal me.  Grace that we can’t earn or even deserve but is given freely as God pursues us, even into the areas of our hearts that are hidden from ourselves.  Grace that transforms, removes fear, confronts weaknesses, exposes blindness, heals brokenness, brings salvation and trains us.  God’s free gift.

 

 

Titus 2:11-14

¹¹ For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, ¹² training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, ¹³ waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, ¹⁴ who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

 

 

I will always need this grace that appeared and brought salvation.  I will always need it to train me in areas of my life that I fail.  I will always need it to fill the broken cracks and make them beautiful.  I will always need it to restore my brokenness by making me new.

 

 

This last weekend I drove home from time spent with family over Thanksgiving.  With Christmas songs blaring for the upcoming holiday season and car karaoke by myself in full swing, Pentatonix’s version of “Hallelujah” came on.  There’s a line at the end of one of the verses that references “A cold and broken Hallelujah.”

 

 

Hallelujah is generally used for joy and happiness and praising God.  Generally, you think of it along with areas of life that are warm and perfect, those are the areas that we praise God for. The non-broken pottery pieces.

 

 

Thinking of the cold and broken places in my life, of Christ’s finished work, of grace……I slowly whispered Hallelujah. 

 

 

How fitting that these cold and broken places are the areas that God fills with Himself as they become the most beautiful elements. Hallelujah.

A Tale of Two Cities: Sodom and Nineveh

I admit I’m a Star Wars fan.  Not the “buys action figures” type of fan but I sometimes play them for background noise during an evening in while cooking dinner.  ‘The Last Jedi’ was recently on and one of the scenes near the end struck me.  Spoiler Alert!  There’s this character named Finn who heroically decides to sacrifice himself and run his Ski Speeder into the enemy weapon to destroy it.  At the last minute, his friend Rose runs her Ski Speeder into his to sacrifice herself in order to save him.  When the dust settles Finn runs to the side of critically injured Rose and yells, “Why’d you stop me???” to which she responds, “I saved you, dummy.  That’s how we’re going to win, not fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.” 
 
The irony is that Rose’s background in the story was one that would have justified hatred.  She’d been raised in a mining colony, lost everything and joined the rebellion to fight the war.  The movie started with her sister playing a pivotal role and being killed in the opening battle scene.  She had every right to hate her enemy.  In fact, she didn’t say that she didn’t hate, but had something to save that was more valuable to her than the hate.

I understand Finn though.  Hatred is powerful.  Hatred can be motivating and can be disguised by the feeling that you are actually protecting something.  I mean, in Finn’s case he was.

I’ve been thinking on this concept the past months.

Hatred impacts us negatively more than the person it’s directed towards.  Justifying it doesn’t make it okay but the knowledge that it’s not okay doesn’t change the feelings or the hurt that led to the hatred.  We know better than to hate.  It’s not nice but we still do it.  Self-justified hatred is even more debilitating and consuming.  When it is justified there is this need to defend or protect something or someone.  Sometimes it’s all you can do to just try to let go and rest in God’s grace.  Most times, it takes an act of God to do the letting go for us as we mask hatred with justifiable reasons.

I’m generally a passionate person which I’ve realized over the last year can leave me with the constant reality of checking emotions, feistiness levels, self-filters and staying out of my own head when trying to recognize where others are at in situations. 

I can only think of one time I genuinely hated.  Frustrated?  Sure.  Hatred though runs deep and is a rare emotion that if I’ve gotten that far with I am able to soundly justify it.  I can guarantee that it’s deserved and that I’m “protecting” something; but at what cost?

While wrestling through some of these concepts of hate and grace a few Bible stories were laid on my heart to read, re-read and dwell in.  By laid on my heart I mean I couldn’t get away from them.  They kept appearing in different areas of my life randomly to the point where my mom mentioned one of them and I inwardly rolled my eyes at God and his sense of humor in how He loves me.  Sometimes when I read stories or dialogues in the Bible I try to picture how I would respond in that moment without knowing the end of the story, or how a conversation would look in modern day times.

I was reminded of two cities in the Bible where God’s judgement was carried out.  Two cities where the communities reached a point where God decided wickedness was so great they needed to be destroyed, Sodom and Nineveh.  Two very different towns and characters in the story deserving of God’s judgement….and God’s grace.

The Bible is a gruesome book depicting humanity.  When I reference Sodom and Nineveh as “wicked” know that the things being done in the cities were far beyond what any of us would consider a political difference or disagreements on life choices.  There was attempted gang rape to men, torturous murder and other acts of wickedness occurring…. this wasn’t just a confused people in need of a cultural hand slap.  They were wicked to their core. 

Sodom (Spoiler alert: Sodom gets destroyed)

In Sodom we have Lot, the nephew of Abraham (a big name in the Bible).  He would have been present in Abraham’s life and seen God’s provision multiple times even in Abraham’s weaknesses.  Eventually they parted ways to avoid strife because their wealth was too much and their people were fighting.  When they split up, Lot chose the Jordan valley and moved his tents to Sodom.  It was already noted that the men of Sodom were wicked yet Lot still chose to move into that.

The people of Sodom’s wickedness became so great that God destroyed the city.  God chose to reveal his intentions toward Sodom to Abraham and rather than Abraham saying “it’s about time God, they’ve had it coming,” he pleaded with God to save the city if as few as ten righteous people were there, and God agrees.  Genesis 19 relays the story of two angels who go to the city to destroy it.  They stay with Lot who meets them at the gate (probably not coincidentally on God’s part) but do not find righteous people in Sodom.  Instead they encounter the wickedness of Sodom.

The men of the city show up at Lot’s house and ask him to hand over the angel guests so that they can rape them.  Such was the wickedness of Sodom.  Lot even offers his virgin daughters (who were engaged to other men) to the men of the city to appease them.  Lot’s “generous” offer was turned down and the Sodom men tell him they will do worse to Lot.  It got so bad that the angels blinded the men of the city with bright light and the men still didn’t back down, they just wore themselves out groping for the door.  I can’t imagine the wickedness of a city reaching this level.

What is even more interesting to me about Sodom is Lot’s response.  After all of this, the angels tell Lot to get out of the city and to take everyone he has because they are going to destroy it.  Lot tells his sons-in-law to get out of the city because the Lord was going to destroy it but they thought he was joking (I wonder if their relationship was strained after he offered their virgin fiancés to the men of the city).

In Genesis 19:16 we see Lot’s response to his city being destroyed.  The angels urged him to leave…. “But he lingered.”  He lingered to the point where the angels had to actually seize him, his wife and daughters by the hand and take them out of the city.  The angels tell him to escape to the hills but Lot still pushes back and boldly asks if he can escape to a different little city nearby instead.

The story goes on and never discusses Abraham and Lot being reunited after Lot lost everything.  He instead ends up living in a cave with some awkward family dynamics which lead to him becoming the father of all Moabites (Ruth’s people from the book of Ruth).

In the destruction of Sodom, God remembered Abraham and showed mercy towards his family in spite of them lingering and not trusting God in that moment. 

Abraham had no reason to ask God to show mercy on this wicked city.  He would’ve known how wicked it was.  He started pleading for God saving the city at 50 righteous people, but continued to lower that number in contemplation of how many would actually be present in the city.  Obviously, not even ten.  Not even Lot’s own family.

I hope in this scenario I would just get out of the city. I can’t imagine lingering if God told me the city was being destroyed and to get out.  I can be more sympathetic towards Lot when I realize if my city, friends, future in-laws, and life as I knew it was going to be destroyed…. I would probably linger too. 

In this story God’s grace and mercy is given to Lot in spite of him as God destroys an entire city in judgement.  It never says that Lot was found to be righteous or that he was only one of ten righteous, or anything remotely to being righteous, but instead that God remembered Abraham and sent Lot out of the city when he destroyed it.  God saved him in spite of him.

 

Nineveh (Spoiler Alert: Nineveh survives)

Then we have Nineveh!  A completely different city in the book of Jonah.  For context, Nineveh was located in modern day northern Iraq.  It was also a city known for its wickedness.  God instructed Jonah to go preach against it and instead Jonah fled from God’s presence.  Can you blame him?  Rather than go to the wicked city he decides it would be better to leave his fate to God and just go in the opposite direction.  I can sometimes relate to that.

To calm a storm Jonah tells sailors to throw him overboard to die rather than following what God has asked of him.  God doesn’t let him get away with that and “rescues him” by having a fish swallow him.  In the meantime, the pagan sailors end up crying out to God in spite of Jonah’s actions as a believer in God.   

Jonah eventually ends up in Nineveh, by no effort on his part, and he finally goes and preaches to Nineveh.  When I say no effort, I literally mean no effort.  According to Jonah 3 it would have taken Jonah three days to go through the city yet Jonah only spent ONE day.  The message he preached was simply, “Forty more days and Nineveh will be overthrown.”  He actually doesn’t talk about mercy or grace but just coming destruction.  The word spread and the people called on God in spite of Jonah.  There are theories that Jonah would have had bleached white skin and looked inhuman after spending three days in a fish which may have put a little more weight to his words.

In the end, God heard their repentance and spared the city.  This would generally be FANTASTIC news.

Jonah, however, in his justified hatred of their wickedness ended up sitting bitterly on a hill waiting for God to destroy the city and was mad at God when he didn’t destroy them.  Jonah was only hurting himself in his hatred and bitterness.

Jonah wasn’t fighting for what he loved.  He wasn’t fighting for God.  He was fighting against what he hated.  He may have even thought that he WAS fighting for what he loved and that their wickedness deserved judgement.  What he hated was wickedness manifested in people but was unable to separate them and look at them as people that God actually loved and redeemed.

I’ve found these stories and characters relatable in my own life as I navigate hurt and anger and recognize God’s response as different than man’s response.  We have Nineveh where Jonah sits to judge and remains angry at God’s grace.  There are times when I have seen people hurt me or others and it’s hard not to be angry and to trust God in that.  Then we have Lot who is afraid to leave his city on the brink of destruction for the unknown.  Fear drives him to living in caves away from everyone including Abraham, the very person who pleaded with God for mercy.

God used Jonah in spite of Jonah.  There was nothing Jonah did on his own or wanted to do to be used.  God saved Lot in spite of Lot.  There was nothing Lot did or wanted to do to be saved. 

When I read these stories it’s easy to think that these characters were ridiculous.  Of course, you would want to see an entire city repent and saved!  Of course, you want to leave a city where the wickedness is so great and would be thankful for God rescuing you.

But in reality, if we were there, would we?  Would we give up our justified hatred to fight for the things we love or to fight for the people God loves?  Would we humbly follow God out of the city without negotiating first?  Would we be Finn and convince ourselves that the only way is our heroic self?  Thank God we have a God that loves us enough to know that we can’t and who does it for us in spite of us.

 

 

Consuming Thoughts

Have you ever been broken in life?  Really broken?  Not the type of broken where you go through hard times and know that it will be different someday.  Those are just whispers of life moments that come and go.  I mean the type of broken where your soul grieves. Where the shadows of your heart are exposed and the knowledge of self and darkness leave you completely contrite and undone.  That type. Really…. broken. 

I have.  Am I allowed to say that to you?  Is that too dark, or even too broken to voice?  I know I shouldn't.

Since a teenager I have prayed that I would see others as God sees them.  That I would be able to love them where they are at.  That I could love others in their weaknesses and extend grace and mercy wherever possible.  That I would be able to love them no matter what their struggle or situation.  That I would be able to feel how God loves them and love them in that way…. unconditionally.  The problem is, I’m not God.  As much as I try I can’t love others in that way.  I hurt myself in trying.  I hurt them in trying.  And even worse…. I keep saying “I”.

Seeing others as God does is too painful for me and loving them unconditionally is an impossibility on my own.  Even if I get to a point where I can see people as God sees them it would only be a glimpse of who they are and I still wouldn’t be able to love as God does.  When I try on my own I fail, in the feistiest of ways.  I can love and encourage others, yes, but I am not capable of loving others the way God does.  I’m not God.  I have darkness and selfish motivation even in the areas that I don’t think I do or don't even know about.  I will always see things through the filters of myself.

Have you ever experienced your own darkness?  Really experienced it?  Seen your own filters and been struck by the inadequacies and ungodliness of yourself?  I have.  Am I allowed to say that to you?  Is that too honest?  Too brutal to myself to acknowledge where my brokenness comes from? My own darkness.

Am I allowed to admit that I have darkness? Can I admit that I have morals and follow laws and while I may look good, when it comes down to the depths of who I am there is a darkness there that I don’t even recognize sometimes?  That I can try to bury it or justify it away as not really darkness but the reality is that it is there, covered.

Have you ever felt the agony of your darkness being brought into light?  Not even to others or publicly, but to yourself?  Where the lights are suddenly turned on in your heart and you have to blink because of the pain of having realized the darkness now that you are able to see it in the light?  It’s better to be in the light and you want that, but to open your eyes in the moment just becomes a painful slow blink.  The long blinks to keep yourself just a little in the dark and not fully in the light as you teeter between the two.  Then you eventually squint and see a little until finally you are looking fully into the light as the darkness disappears.

Have you ever been overtaken by the light?  Light so bright that it is impossible to dwell in the darkness even in the pain of exposure.  Light that covers and drives away the darkness.  Have you ever been in the light?  Really seen yourself?  Seen the darkness present but felt the grace of God and known that the light now yours is nothing of you but is in every sense yours now?  Where the light of who God is and what has been done for you overcomes the shadows in your heart while grace and mercy leave you completely undone?  Where places in the deep corners of your heart are healed when you hadn’t even recognized the need for healing?

 

I have.  Am I allowed to even say that to you?  Is that too honest?  To acknowledge the darkness that is of me and the light that is not of me but mine that I don’t deserve?

If you knew the depth of my darkness you would not love me.  You are not God either.  Not capable of loving me unconditionally just as I am not capable of that for you.

Oh, the scandal of God’s love.  The scandal that continues to shake away the things that are of me and leave those things that are of Him.  The depth of this scandalous love is offensive.  It consumes me.   

Hebrews 12: 26-29

²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” ²⁷ This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. ²⁸ Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our God is a consuming fire.

 

 

 

 

Biblical Dating Advice?

I was recently asked about my thoughts on “biblical dating” and how to be active in finding and maintaining a dating relationship.  I have two initial thoughts;

 1)     I have rarely dated for varying reasons in life phases so am not the one to give advice whatsoever. My singleness can be the biggest joy and blessing in my life while simultaneously being my biggest pain and vulnerability.  I’ve held a lot of varying views about dating that have both hindered and enhanced my life at times. All that to say, I don’t know really know that I am the best authority on dating.  I can rock singleness advice like none other though.  It’s not that I don’t think of dating.  Trust me, if you are a single, male Christian where our theology lines up, I’ve at least thought of dating you. 

 

2)     I don’t know that I would say dating is a biblical idea but more of a cultural reality.  It’s not a bad thing to do but the Bible doesn’t speak to it directly (maybe I’m wrong).  It speaks to betrothals and marriage and relationships but not dating specifically.  So, unless you are going to go stand by a well in a dessert and wait for God to bring your future spouse to you; or are willing to work to pay off a bridal price for them then it can be frustrating to glean biblical dating info. 

I’ve received lots of awful advice over the years on dating.  And lots of great advice.  For me, dating is simply a means to get to know someone, spend time with them and move forward into a more committed relationship. Some people have more conservative views and some have more liberal views. 

 So here goes the dating advice I’ve been given over the years from multiple people:

1.  If a guy is into you he’ll let you know; don’t worry about it. You don’t need to make the first move. Leave the ball in his court and he’ll make the move.  If he doesn’t then he’s just not into you. If he has a way of getting in contact with you in any way then he will if he’s interested. Don’t make a move on a guy.

2.  Make a move! Guys love that confidence. They need to have a sense that you wouldn’t reject them. Guys love the outgoingness of a woman knowing what she wants. They’ll be flattered and possibly consider it as an option even if they decide “no.”

3.  Men prefer to pursue so don’t let them know you are interested. Play the game. Always have the ball in your court. Put out an interested vibe but pull it back in to keep them coming back.

4.  Don’t put out an interested vibe. It can come across as a “desperate” vibe. Lock that desperate crazy vibe up tight.

5.  Don’t date the Lutheran boys, they know all too well what grace is.

6.  Marry the Lutheran men.......they know what grace is.

7.  Type matters.  If you’re not his type then too bad, get over it. Men have types they are interested in and don’t stray far from it. If you’re not their type then it’s not going to happen. Move on. There is no hope in this situation.

8.  Type doesn’t actually matter and people rarely end up with what their “type” is. Men date outside of their type all the time. Hold on to hope.

9.  There is a difference between romance and friendship and one can’t turn into the other.

10.  Friendships turning into romance are the best. Be friends first.

11.  Friend zone is a very real, active and inescapable place once you are there. If you are friend zoned it is better to accept condolences and move on as quickly as possible. They can find other friends.

12.  There is no such thing as a friend zone. You can escape from it. Hang in there....you never know...

13.  Just wait.... for God’s timing. It’s going to be PERFECT for you.

14.  Don’t wait.... get out there, TRY for goodness sakes, meet new people, go online and put yourself out there. Find a new pool of people.

15.  Know what you want. Weed them out and don’t waste time on someone who is not exactly what you want or doesn’t fit your list.

16.  Try out everything, like ice cream. Give people chances. No one is perfect. Recognize that what you want may not be what you need and be open to something unexpected.  Sometimes what you need is opposite of your list.

17.  NEVER date long distance. It’s destined to fail. Dismiss it right away and don’t consider it. Protect yourself from that potential heartache.

18.  Hop on that plane!  Don’t worry about long distance. Technology allows for a lot of ways to get to know someone. It can work so take the risk! What else are you waiting for? Life geographies can change and it just may be worth intentionally figuring out.

19.  Give up your career. A guy has to know you are interested in settling down and if you are too independent he won’t want to take that on.

20.  Career is attractive. Keep doing what you do!

There is probably a little truth to all of the advice I’ve been given over the years and it has  worked at some point in time for people and situations. When it comes down to it dating is different for everyone.  Use wise decisions and work it out with the person you’re interested in.  I’ve seen anything from people dating long distance and getting married within a few months to people dating for a decade before getting married.  I’ve also seen relationships not work out and hopefully both people grew or they learned something new about themselves even in the heartache.

I was given advice from a former pastor of mine a little over a year ago that is probably the most on point piece of advice that I would endorse.  Be you.  Have fun.  The most attractive thing is someone just being themselves and having fun.

So ladies, figure yourself out. The more you figure out and own who you are and want to be the more you will be able to get over your own insecurities to pour into and receive from a relationship later.  I can’t tell you how many times I have sabotaged myself in the past from just not owning who I am and changing aspects of me to be what I thought someone else wanted  When really what they wanted was probably exactly who I was but hid from them.  

There may not be biblical advice on how to date in our culture, but there is biblical advice on how to live.  Jump into that.  Love others intentionally with grace.  Serve in your church community and with your neighbors.  Enjoy life and struggle in life with others.  Pray for others.  Be involved in life. Build a relationship with God that can overflow into a relationships and how you live life.

Don’t pine away for relationships you don’t have.  I’m not being dismissive of the very real pain of feeling unloved and unworthy sometimes.  I feel it and fight it all the time but don't miss out on the joys and loves in being single in this life phase. 

Have girls’ nights out and connect with others.  Laugh and joke with friends and have fun life experiences.  Stay up late having deep conversations.  Cook dinner for yourself while blasting a record player.  Watch the new Avengers movie alone in the theater.  Read a book in a park or beach on a sunny day.  Walk around downtown while listening to podcasts.  Drink coffee and write blogs that you never post because they are too vulnerable or you question if anyone would care to read them.  Post blogs anyway even when you’re insecure about them.  Figure out what you enjoy in life.  Garden. Create your own holiday traditions like buying ornaments that reflect the past year or listening to the Don Wyrtzen “Home for Christmas” recording.  Be a chemist and make your own cleaning supplies.   Make a big deal out of the little things in life.  Host dinners.  Go on a hike.  Go to a pie bar and learn how to play darts.  Get lost for hours in hobby lobby or home depot.  Go to concerts and orchestras and free Shakespeare in the park plays.  Share your life with others.  Relax and lay under a tree and watch the leaves in the wind. Always learn something new and just enjoy the little things in life…….surprise yourself….with things like learning to enjoy basketball and getting emotional over playoffs.

Be you.  That's the only advice I could probably give logistically about dating.  Otherwise it depends on the situation.  The most attractive thing you can do for yourself and the other person is be you and work out your insecurities (we all have them). Be open to a relationship but in the mean time just do life.  There’s lots of Biblical advice on behaviors, building relationships, living life and loving others.  But it is all in a response to a relationship with God and not a "how to" instructional manual.  Do that, build that relationship. Figure out what your life is about. Lean to enjoy and have peace in the good times and the hard times. And if you meet someone who wants to experience life with you and you can get on bored with what they are doing in life too...then congrats. You can stop thinking about your biblical place in line at the engagement well and instead be present and connect with people whether a relationship starts or not. 

 

When God Disappoints

Lately in our youth group we have been discussing how God is either everything or nothing.  There is no in between.  If you believe in the existence of God then the knowledge alone demands some type of response to that information.   If He is nothing….then that is it. Emptiness. 

I confess that I have been disappointed by God before.  I always had faith and a relationship with Him but there were moments in life where I found myself out in nature at a park bench or picnic table journaling while screaming “why?” at God.

I assumed we were on the same page and then God suddenly switched gears on me as if He hadn’t quite read my memo.  He'd obviously read my memo though because He's God which means He obviously hated me or was playing games with my life instead.  My expectations and plans were good ones; ones that would even benefit Him, so why wouldn’t they work out?  In those moments it was easy to put myself into the “Andrea is everything” category rather than God.

We approach life like this a lot of the time, we expect something to go a certain way or anticipate results or plans to work out.  There are specific goals and hopeful outcomes for our jobs, health or relationships.  When they don’t pan out it can leave us questioning things and sometimes questioning God or being disappointed in Him.

Going into the Easter week I have been thinking of traditions, church services, the crucifixion, resurrection and God’s people.  God’s own people condemned His Son.

God disappointed them.  You see, they actually expected the Messiah to appear.  They had prophecies throughout the Old Testament and were well studied in what was to come.  HOW DID THEY MISS IT?

They expected a king, someone to restore their people and set up God’s Kingdom.  Instead there was this man who claimed to be the son of God who healed people, hung out with the broken and socially outcast people who preached on God’s love and repentance.   All while they followed the very laws that they saw as pleasing to God and protected them from offending God.  This isn’t what they expected.  They expected to be saved by the Messiah; saved from the law, saved from sin and saved from their political and religious unrest as God’s kingdom was established. 

They had expectations on how they thought the Messiah would come and what He would do.  They questioned Him on who He was and didn’t want to consider that Jesus was the Messiah they waited for.  He offended them. He didn’t fit their expectations and that must have meant He was nothing but a nuisance disrupting their beliefs.

After searching for ways to get rid of him they settled on crucifying Jesus for claiming to be the Son of God.  An unpopular choice as he had been known for healing and not criminal activities.  Even Pilate, who had to give him over to be crucified, found no basis to charge Jesus and washed his hands of it. 

In John 8:19-22 Pilate had a notice prepared and fastened to the cross that read, “Jesus of Nazareth, The King of the Jews.”  The chief priests of the Jews protested and asked Pilate to change it to say “this man claimed to be king of the Jews.”  But Pilate responded with, “what I have written, I have written.” Perhaps this was Pilot’s last way of saying that this is what Jesus is condemned for and He’s done nothing wrong.  Perhaps after questioning Jesus, Pilate wondered if or believed that Jesus may just be the King of the Jews.  Perhaps he was just angry at the Jews for forcing his hand on condemning an innocent man and gave them one final jab by declaring Jesus as their King.   

Jesus was crucified for exactly who He was; King of the Jews, the Messiah.  He wasn’t what they expected.  They were disappointed in their expectations and thought they knew God’s plan.  When God’s plan wasn’t theirs they were unable to recognize it.

Jesus was either everything He claimed to be, the son of God, or He was nothing.

He didn’t come to save them from political unrest and establish his kingdom in the way they expected.  Instead He came to do something far more important and to break the very way they saw and interacted with God by removing the barriers and fulfilling the law.  He saved us FOR God and to be His people regardless of circumstances and our own expectations.

I’m grateful this Easter to think on how He is everything and how I can continue to rest in Him and not my own expectations when they disappoint me.  As much as it can be easy to think that God has disappointed, the reality is that my own expectations or lack of grasping the whole picture is what has generally disappointed me.  I have instead been saved FOR God, not for myself.

He is all He claimed to be and was crucified for it, conquered death and rose the third day.