Consuming Thoughts

Have you ever been broken in life?  Really broken?  Not the type of broken where you go through hard times and know that it will be different someday.  Those are just whispers of life moments that come and go.  I mean the type of broken where your soul grieves. Where the shadows of your heart are exposed and the knowledge of self and darkness leave you completely contrite and undone.  That type. Really…. broken. 

I have.  Am I allowed to say that to you?  Is that too dark, or even too broken to voice?  I know I shouldn't.

Since a teenager I have prayed that I would see others as God sees them.  That I would be able to love them where they are at.  That I could love others in their weaknesses and extend grace and mercy wherever possible.  That I would be able to love them no matter what their struggle or situation.  That I would be able to feel how God loves them and love them in that way…. unconditionally.  The problem is, I’m not God.  As much as I try I can’t love others in that way.  I hurt myself in trying.  I hurt them in trying.  And even worse…. I keep saying “I”.

Seeing others as God does is too painful for me and loving them unconditionally is an impossibility on my own.  Even if I get to a point where I can see people as God sees them it would only be a glimpse of who they are and I still wouldn’t be able to love as God does.  When I try on my own I fail, in the feistiest of ways.  I can love and encourage others, yes, but I am not capable of loving others the way God does.  I’m not God.  I have darkness and selfish motivation even in the areas that I don’t think I do or don't even know about.  I will always see things through the filters of myself.

Have you ever experienced your own darkness?  Really experienced it?  Seen your own filters and been struck by the inadequacies and ungodliness of yourself?  I have.  Am I allowed to say that to you?  Is that too honest?  Too brutal to myself to acknowledge where my brokenness comes from? My own darkness.

Am I allowed to admit that I have darkness? Can I admit that I have morals and follow laws and while I may look good, when it comes down to the depths of who I am there is a darkness there that I don’t even recognize sometimes?  That I can try to bury it or justify it away as not really darkness but the reality is that it is there, covered.

Have you ever felt the agony of your darkness being brought into light?  Not even to others or publicly, but to yourself?  Where the lights are suddenly turned on in your heart and you have to blink because of the pain of having realized the darkness now that you are able to see it in the light?  It’s better to be in the light and you want that, but to open your eyes in the moment just becomes a painful slow blink.  The long blinks to keep yourself just a little in the dark and not fully in the light as you teeter between the two.  Then you eventually squint and see a little until finally you are looking fully into the light as the darkness disappears.

Have you ever been overtaken by the light?  Light so bright that it is impossible to dwell in the darkness even in the pain of exposure.  Light that covers and drives away the darkness.  Have you ever been in the light?  Really seen yourself?  Seen the darkness present but felt the grace of God and known that the light now yours is nothing of you but is in every sense yours now?  Where the light of who God is and what has been done for you overcomes the shadows in your heart while grace and mercy leave you completely undone?  Where places in the deep corners of your heart are healed when you hadn’t even recognized the need for healing?

 

I have.  Am I allowed to even say that to you?  Is that too honest?  To acknowledge the darkness that is of me and the light that is not of me but mine that I don’t deserve?

If you knew the depth of my darkness you would not love me.  You are not God either.  Not capable of loving me unconditionally just as I am not capable of that for you.

Oh, the scandal of God’s love.  The scandal that continues to shake away the things that are of me and leave those things that are of Him.  The depth of this scandalous love is offensive.  It consumes me.   

Hebrews 12: 26-29

²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” ²⁷ This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. ²⁸ Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our God is a consuming fire.