Why I Stayed In Church

There have been longstanding discussions of “younger people” leaving the church, specifically millennials. As a millennial I've been asked why I think young adults have left the church in this generation more than others.  I know there are a lot of opinions and research on this topic ranging from generation gaps, to failed youth groups, to blaming the generation before, to cultural differences, etc.  Normally these discussions are with the intention of preserving and growing the church, growing the people and they try to address the problem of “how to stop young people from leaving.”

I’m not going to try to even hypothesize and explain why millennials have left the church because there are multiple reasons and some are individual decisions or individual church issues.

I will however express why I, as a millennial, have stayed.

I grew up in the church and have been around churches most of my life, ones that I have been a member of and ones that I have not.  Each church I have attended or visited has been different and has had its own culture and community.  I have seen churches that strive to put on a good program, or ones that focus on community groups and connecting, or ones who focus on community outreach or family development.  Church culture generally depends on the individuals in the church and how they contribute or what their strengths are.  I’ve seen churches change the lives of people through resources God has given them, or through reaching out in love.  I’ve seen churches unintentionally hurt people.

I’ve stayed in the church.   I’ve stayed through church politics that I don’t agree with.  I’ve stayed through seeing congregations argue internally.  I’ve stayed through sometimes feeling that I can’t fully serve because of a church’s erring view on women serving.  I’ve stayed through frustrations and through being hurt by others.  I’ve stayed when at times I haven't wanted to.  I'm not pin-pointing one specific church because I believe this would be an issue anywhere.

The church is a messy place.  It’s a messy place because those in it are not perfect.  I am not perfect.  If I left church then I hurt myself the most, create divisions and questions within the church, and whatever my frustrations would be would not be resolved.  Those frustrations would move forward with me to a new church.

I believe there are times to leave a specific church community, depending on situations, but it’s important to look at what the frustration is and if it’s something that you disagree with biblically or if it is coming from yourself.  Sometimes it’s our own mistakes that are causing the friction, and we need to take ownership to resolve it or seek help to resolve it.  

I’ve stayed because I believe in what the church could be and is.  I’ve stayed because I have a love for the Christian community, and the broken people within it.  When I think of community I think of coming in and connecting and learning how to love better and serve better.  It can be hard to connect and pour your life into others.  But that’s the point of community, to lean in when people would lean out.  Church communities live life together in the messiness and serve God by serving each other and reaching out.

I stay because I want to be part of that.  I recognize that it will be messy but I also recognize that things will not change by me just leaving.  In fact, if they are ever to change then it takes people staying and being present in each other’s lives. 

When we leave, we generally leave with the idea of “church exists to benefit me and I’m not getting what I need out of it right now.”  If our idea of church is what we can take from it then we will never be happy and will go from church to church without resolving the real issue of ourselves.

There are some very real reasons that you should leave a church.  We generally jump to this as the first solution though rather than a last resort.  

Galatians 6:10 says, “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

There is a lot of opposition outside of the church in our world.  This is nothing new.  We should be reaching out into the community and into the lives of others, yet sometimes we get caught up in ourselves and have to deal with what’s on the inside of the church.

So before leaving a church, try to resolve whatever issue you are struggling with.  If it is people, try to reconcile and understand.  You may be more similar than you realize whether you are a millennial or not.

Check yourself first to see if there is anything you are being unrealistic about.  Have you elevated things to the level of the Apostles Creed that should not be there?  “I believe in God the Father almighty……I believe in this specific political party….I believe in this musical preference in church…..I believe I have to have this type of Bible study….I believe that the pastor has to do this……..I believe in…..”  

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

This should be our approach to church community; to pour into others and stir up love and good works in them.

I admit, there are times I can look at other Christians I am frustrated with and just think, “I’m done, why do I put myself through this?” but I do it because others have done it for me.  Showing God’s love for others is not always easy.  That’s why it’s God’s love and sometimes not ours.  Or even better, it becomes ours because of God in us.

This is why I stay in church.  I stay because I have hope for what it could be.  I have hope for a group of messy, unfinished people who pour into each other and spur each other on to love and good works.  I don’t church hop because I want to form those relationships, no matter how hard.  I get a lot out of church and community by not looking for what I can get out of it but by being present in it.

This is why I have stayed.

"It's You, It's Always Been You"

I thought I would share something with you that I’ve been thinking on over the past few months since moving to Seattle.  This is more geared towards other single women, but maybe there is a little something for everyone in it.

So often as single women it is tempting to live in the future, to look forward to when life will start when you meet someone and fall in love and obtain the “happily ever after.”  The thought and desire to finally know who your person is can be intoxicating.  I think it is okay to hope for this, but there is a difference between hoping and not living life because you are waiting.

In general, I find that single women I talk to fall in a few different categories.  They are really good at guarding their heart and not liking men, or they easily fall for guys over and over.  I unfortunately fall into the latter category.  I’m picky, don’t get me wrong, but when I do find men that have the core qualities I like then I fall pretty hard and fast, and then normally don’t end up acting like myself around them because I get nervous; it’s a vicious circle.

There are times that I really despise the fact that I feel things strongly and that I wish I could stop feelings or control my heart.  But it is an aspect about myself that I also like in other areas.  There are romantic options in my life who I wish I did like and returned feelings for, because they have qualities I admire.  There are also romantic options who I wish I didn’t like anymore when they do no return my feelings.  “Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.” – Mark Beech. How I wish there was an on or off button, or a cage that blocked feelings  A heart cage to block feelings would sometimes be welcomed.

It can be a little tough as a single female sometimes. Other times it is the best thing in the world. 

I go through phases of loving being single, and hating it.  I’m currently heading into a “loving being single” time in my life.

I have gone through many thought processes over the years from being single and trying to figure out why God has kept me single. 

·         The “God’s punishing me” phase, because he knows how awful of a person I really am.

·         The “God’s forgotten me” phase, because he has better things to do than really worry about me.

·         The “God is keeping me single” phase, that maybe he can use me in my singleness

·         The “God is teaching me lessons”  phase, that maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship of that caliber

Over the last year I’ve actually been focusing on the fact that there is nothing more to it than just God’s timing. That doesn’t necessarily change restless hearts though.  As confident as I can be in life, and in God, my heart still struggles against me and sometimes against God.  Sometimes I want what is not in God’s timing.  This is when God and I wrestle.

This past week I had the opportunity to spend some time out by a lake for a few hours alone with God just reading and journaling.  I really don’t do this as often as I wish I could.  I can’t even explain the feeling of just wedging myself between some large rocks, curling up in a blanket on a lakeshore surrounded by mountains and just being present in absolute silence.  The night before I laid on that same beach under a breathtaking blanket of stars.  It’s hard not to feel God in these moments that calm the soul and quiet the struggling or wandering heart.

A quite heart is a rare experience for me but so welcomed.  I enjoy cheesy love quotes and recently found one that said, “It’s you, it’s always been you.”  I’ve always liked the idea of a friendship turning into romance.  To be able to look at someone and suddenly realize, “it’s you,” and have all of the time gap make sense. 

While lying on the cold beach this past weekend, staring up at countless stars and feeling so alive and at peace in the crisp night air, I had the thought of “it’s you, it’s always been you.”  Not about some man though, or friend, but about God. 

I’ve had many phases in life and God has taken me on quite a journey.  I always end up being grateful for His timing or thankful that things didn’t work out certain ways had they been up to me.  I can’t even begin to comprehend what God has done with my life so far and what He will continue to do with it.  Sometimes I just look at my life and shake my head. I’ve been the nerdy homeschooler, the crazy college kid, moved with a band across a country, been a career woman, and currently endeavoring on my “improve physical/mental health outdoorsy woman” phase.  In all of these life phases I have had, God has been there and the one at the center of everything. 

I am writing this blog, to encourage single women to not just “wait.”  There are times in my life where I have just waited for life to start.  Don’t just wait.  Embrace the phases and where God has you at in life.

Be the woman you needed as a girl.   In this phase of life, be a strong, mentally healthy woman that continually grows in life and is present in the life of those around you.  Wrestle with God, and be okay with it rather than drowning in self-pity.

I have had a verse that I always come back to over the years. This past weekend God showed me the verses in front of those verses.  Verses I have read many times, but never quite fully read.  They comforted and reassured me in my restless, wandering heart ways.

Psalm 73:21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

I confess I can be senseless and ignorant, and embittered when I don’t get my way, thank God he holds me no matter where I am in life.  And then the familiar verses to me of:

Psalm 73:25-26 ²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

My heart can be restless, and grieved, and embittered.  But recently, it has been quiet and strengthened as it is surrounded by God.  I desire to reach out to others and to live life with others; to love others and want what is best for them even when painful to me or when it goes against my own agendas.  I can be at peace and not worry about “waiting for life to start,” because life is already well on its way and has amazing things to experience.  

We only have so long in this life between the dusts.  Embrace it, experience it, and share it with others.  Go through life phases and changes.  Cherish friendships around you and desire what is best for others.  Be the woman, you needed as a girl, and pour into others.

Building a Home in Exile

I had to vote today.  I didn't want to since I already know that the person who will get it does not align with my personal beliefs.  But voting is a right and a freedom that I highly value and will always exercise. There are multiple theories this year on how to vote…...for the supreme court, for the better politician, for party affiliations, for third party affiliations (but do they count or not?!). 

I hate discussing politics, it’s easy to be offended or offend others no matter what you believe.  As a Christian there is the added element of feeling like I need to vote for the right candidate (the one that God would pick of course).  At this point, with the options presented, I have to trust that God puts leaders of nations in place for a reason, and that this year will be no different.  I do believe that our nation has issues and that we will continue to have issues.  We also have passionate people who are on opposing sides of political and social issues.  We are not a nation at ease and rest.  I know my vote doesn’t impact government on a national level.  I am left to my small area of influence in my own life to impact the lives of those around me.   

Recently I’ve been thinking of making some life changes.  Decisions weigh heavily upon me; to move to a different community, whose lives to be involved in and what ministries to be part of in these potential changes.  These decisions weigh even more heavily because while I can’t control national influence, I can choose where to be involved at on a personal level.

I have heard Jeremiah 29:11 my entire life.  It is on plaques in churches, on greeting cards, and one of the few verses that most people in the Christian community have heard, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  I can still sing the song that goes along with this verse that I learned as a shy, squeaky 4 year old.  Growing up I always thought this verse mean that no matter what, life was supposed to be good with God.  As an adult, I suppose it depends on how you define “good” and what you place value in.

The context of the Jeremiah passage had to do with Israel being exiled to Babylon.  Their entire nation was captured and it is not what I would define as “good.”  God spoke to the surviving elders, priests, prophets and people taken into exile.  They were in a broken place in life.  They would have lost family, homes, and their own identities (with names being changed from their Israelite names to Babylonian names in some instances as this is the time of Daniel).  I would image, that anyone in this situation would be crying out to God to be rescued.  Instead, God tells them this:  Jeremiah 29:5-11 

“This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. ⁶ Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. ⁷ Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.” ⁸ Yes, this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: “Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. ⁹ They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them,” declares the Lord. ¹⁰ This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

When we look back at Jeremiah 29:4, God does not sugar coat or minimize the Israelite’s infirmities, but in fact, confirms them and even takes ownership over them.  He took responsibility for exiling them, not the Babylonians, and He was there with them through it.  He also told them to prosper in it and to pray because they would be there a long time, and THEN he would bring them out of it.
It is easy to tell God that you trust Him in the good times.  It is hard to live this out when hardships come and our trust is pushed up against our own borders.  

When I’m at low points in life, or stressing over life and politics, I generally hope that God’s response is not “settle in for a while because it is staying the same and I’m not fixing this one right away.”  For the Israelites, seventy years was a whole life time.  He also tells them to increase.  Not to hole up and mope, but to prosper in this hard time for them.  Just to add a little sting for the Israelites, God asks them to care for the people and the city that just captured them.  

This passage made me think of how God has worked in my life and those around me.  I plan my life and how I think it should be, yet God continues to maintain the author rights.  Wherever I may be located at in life or what is going on in my country, I can impact those around me in a positive way.  No, I am not in exile even though it can feel like it or that it is heading that direction.    I can struggle and have dark times, or over analyze a situation or conversation and worry about things that I can’t control. 

Thank God He knows me better than I know myself, because I can continually look back and see things that have happened for a reason in life even when they seemed void of purpose at the time. 

The message He gave to Israel is still valid for us.  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  In the midst of dark times, He is still present and we can hope for the future that is far beyond our situations and beyond politics.

The Proverbs 31 Checklist

I like checklists.  Maybe it is because there is a feeling of accomplishment when checking off an item, or maybe it is because I know I’m not forgetting something, or maybe I just like the structure and guidelines they provide.  When you complete a checklist you know you’ve done what needs to be done and you’ve hopefully done it right.

The thing with checklists is they can also make you feel inadequate.  If everything isn’t completed then I tend to not focus on what has been completed but on what I have missed or messed up on.  The feeling of inadequacy can be deafening.

I have heard this feeling of inadequacy expressed by many other women lately.  It is a common feeling yet is generally a hidden feeling.  We try to put forth a good image and it can be exhausting.  I don’t know why we do this.  I know others don’t judge me as often as I think they do and I don’t judge other women as often as they probably think I do.  Yet we all put this pressure on ourselves to be perfect.  It’s partially due to our society, but that is a whole other issue.

I’ve been reading Proverbs 31 lately.  It’s really annoying.  It’s hard not read it as being quoted at women to say “see, you need to behave like this.”  If I’m honest, it’s my least favorite passage, but I know there’s a reason for it.  It is hard to not look at this passage as a checklist.  I’ve been trying to dive in and be more positive about this passage lately.

First off, there are different interpretations, some people think it was meant as a guide on how to choose a godly wife, some people think it is reflective of how the church should be as the bride of Christ, and some think it is just a poem.  It is written in the form of an acrostic (each verse beginning with a letter of the Hebrew alphabet). 

The point is, no matter the intention of this passage, it has been easy for our Christian culture to turn this passage into an unrealistic checklist and guideline for women to strive for.

Chapter 31 actually starts with nine other verses that begin with, “The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him:”   So, thank you King Lemuel’s mother, from every female that is already terrified of a future mother-in-law’s expectations for their baby boy. 

The Woman Who Fears the Lord (Proverbs 31:10-31)

^10 [d] An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She dresses herself^[e] with strength
    and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet.^[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates
    when he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
    she delivers sashes to the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the gates.

 

In case you missed all of that, basically the checklist for the perfect woman is:

• Not real, because as verse 10 states, who can find her?
• Trusted by her husband’s heart
• Does good and not harm, every single day.
• Works Hard
• Takes care of her family
• Gets up early to make sure everything is in order
• Provides for those she is responsible for or in charge of
• Is a savvy business woman who is able to consider property and invest
• Is Strong
• Ambitious and not lazy
• Works with the poor and betters her community
• Has strength, dignity and confidence (she doesn’t worry)
• Wise
• Teaches kindness
• Her children bless her (so they must be perfect little angels)
• Her husband praises her (so he must be impressed)
• She is better than all other women and has surpassed them
• She fears the Lord
• Is known in her city for because of all the good things she does

What in the world….…..thank you King Lemuel’s mom for teaching men everywhere to hold future wives to this expectation and to haunt Christian women forever.  It can be dangerously easy to look at this as a checklist, and instantly feel inadequate.  There is more to it than that though.

The whole point of this passage is a picture of a woman who fears the Lord.  Not being afraid of the Lord, but seeking Him, obeying Him, having a relationship with Him.  You can't follow a checklist in a relationship, it doesn't work that way.  But when we seek God, the rest follows, and it follows more naturally than trying to meet unrealistic expectations and being perfect.

A woman who seeks God has an inner strength and as verse 25 says she laughs at the days to come.  She’s not worried because her confidence and hope is in God.  When her confidence is in God then she no longer tries to put forth an unrealistic picture of herself and can just be genuine and real.  She has given her insecurities to God (and probably continually has to do so) and knows what God’s purpose is for her life; being in a relationship with God and reflecting Him to others. 

This woman’s life matters! She has put aside expectations of others and is focused on God.  She is active, speaking wisdom, being a blessing, taking care of her children and the poor and has a servant’s heart.  This woman has a life that is marked with good works because of her love for God.  Not because she is perfect and trying to accomplish more perfectness, she is probably far from perfect.

Because of her relationship with God and her confidence in him, her society is better, her home life is better, and her community is better.  Not because of her and efforts she is putting in on her own, but because of what God is doing in her relationship with Him.

One of my favorite things about this passage is when it actually references her husband, the Proverbs 31 man.  It never mentions love in the sense of romance or passion but in vs 11 states, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.”  This is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard.  Trusting another with your heart is hard.  But this is a deeper type of trust reflecting a much deeper love than just romance.  It’s based on a confidence that she is in a relationship with God along with him, and that they together can trust each other as they continue to trust in God. 

We need more women like this; women who have a relationship with God and wherever they are at in life are seeking Him and in doing so it overflows to others.

So I will put aside my love of checklists and recognize this not as a passage meant to be an intimidating list of requirements, but rather one that reflects the beauty of a relationship with God.

And to my future husband who hopefully has been protected from looking at this passage as expectations for me.....I look forward to when our hearts can trust in each other......because of our relationships with God and not because of expectations of each other.