Consuming Thoughts

Have you ever been broken in life?  Really broken?  Not the type of broken where you go through hard times and know that it will be different someday.  Those are just whispers of life moments that come and go.  I mean the type of broken where your soul grieves. Where the shadows of your heart are exposed and the knowledge of self and darkness leave you completely contrite and undone.  That type. Really…. broken. 

I have.  Am I allowed to say that to you?  Is that too dark, or even too broken to voice?  I know I shouldn't.

Since a teenager I have prayed that I would see others as God sees them.  That I would be able to love them where they are at.  That I could love others in their weaknesses and extend grace and mercy wherever possible.  That I would be able to love them no matter what their struggle or situation.  That I would be able to feel how God loves them and love them in that way…. unconditionally.  The problem is, I’m not God.  As much as I try I can’t love others in that way.  I hurt myself in trying.  I hurt them in trying.  And even worse…. I keep saying “I”.

Seeing others as God does is too painful for me and loving them unconditionally is an impossibility on my own.  Even if I get to a point where I can see people as God sees them it would only be a glimpse of who they are and I still wouldn’t be able to love as God does.  When I try on my own I fail, in the feistiest of ways.  I can love and encourage others, yes, but I am not capable of loving others the way God does.  I’m not God.  I have darkness and selfish motivation even in the areas that I don’t think I do or don't even know about.  I will always see things through the filters of myself.

Have you ever experienced your own darkness?  Really experienced it?  Seen your own filters and been struck by the inadequacies and ungodliness of yourself?  I have.  Am I allowed to say that to you?  Is that too honest?  Too brutal to myself to acknowledge where my brokenness comes from? My own darkness.

Am I allowed to admit that I have darkness? Can I admit that I have morals and follow laws and while I may look good, when it comes down to the depths of who I am there is a darkness there that I don’t even recognize sometimes?  That I can try to bury it or justify it away as not really darkness but the reality is that it is there, covered.

Have you ever felt the agony of your darkness being brought into light?  Not even to others or publicly, but to yourself?  Where the lights are suddenly turned on in your heart and you have to blink because of the pain of having realized the darkness now that you are able to see it in the light?  It’s better to be in the light and you want that, but to open your eyes in the moment just becomes a painful slow blink.  The long blinks to keep yourself just a little in the dark and not fully in the light as you teeter between the two.  Then you eventually squint and see a little until finally you are looking fully into the light as the darkness disappears.

Have you ever been overtaken by the light?  Light so bright that it is impossible to dwell in the darkness even in the pain of exposure.  Light that covers and drives away the darkness.  Have you ever been in the light?  Really seen yourself?  Seen the darkness present but felt the grace of God and known that the light now yours is nothing of you but is in every sense yours now?  Where the light of who God is and what has been done for you overcomes the shadows in your heart while grace and mercy leave you completely undone?  Where places in the deep corners of your heart are healed when you hadn’t even recognized the need for healing?

 

I have.  Am I allowed to even say that to you?  Is that too honest?  To acknowledge the darkness that is of me and the light that is not of me but mine that I don’t deserve?

If you knew the depth of my darkness you would not love me.  You are not God either.  Not capable of loving me unconditionally just as I am not capable of that for you.

Oh, the scandal of God’s love.  The scandal that continues to shake away the things that are of me and leave those things that are of Him.  The depth of this scandalous love is offensive.  It consumes me.   

Hebrews 12: 26-29

²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” ²⁷ This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. ²⁸ Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our God is a consuming fire.

 

 

 

 

Biblical Dating Advice?

I was recently asked about my thoughts on “biblical dating” and how to be active in finding and maintaining a dating relationship.  I have two initial thoughts;

 1)     I have rarely dated for varying reasons in life phases so am not the one to give advice whatsoever. My singleness can be the biggest joy and blessing in my life while simultaneously being my biggest pain and vulnerability.  I’ve held a lot of varying views about dating that have both hindered and enhanced my life at times. All that to say, I don’t know really know that I am the best authority on dating.  I can rock singleness advice like none other though.  It’s not that I don’t think of dating.  Trust me, if you are a single, male Christian where our theology lines up, I’ve at least thought of dating you. 

 

2)     I don’t know that I would say dating is a biblical idea but more of a cultural reality.  It’s not a bad thing to do but the Bible doesn’t speak to it directly (maybe I’m wrong).  It speaks to betrothals and marriage and relationships but not dating specifically.  So, unless you are going to go stand by a well in a dessert and wait for God to bring your future spouse to you; or are willing to work to pay off a bridal price for them then it can be frustrating to glean biblical dating info. 

I’ve received lots of awful advice over the years on dating.  And lots of great advice.  For me, dating is simply a means to get to know someone, spend time with them and move forward into a more committed relationship. Some people have more conservative views and some have more liberal views. 

 So here goes the dating advice I’ve been given over the years from multiple people:

1.  If a guy is into you he’ll let you know; don’t worry about it. You don’t need to make the first move. Leave the ball in his court and he’ll make the move.  If he doesn’t then he’s just not into you. If he has a way of getting in contact with you in any way then he will if he’s interested. Don’t make a move on a guy.

2.  Make a move! Guys love that confidence. They need to have a sense that you wouldn’t reject them. Guys love the outgoingness of a woman knowing what she wants. They’ll be flattered and possibly consider it as an option even if they decide “no.”

3.  Men prefer to pursue so don’t let them know you are interested. Play the game. Always have the ball in your court. Put out an interested vibe but pull it back in to keep them coming back.

4.  Don’t put out an interested vibe. It can come across as a “desperate” vibe. Lock that desperate crazy vibe up tight.

5.  Don’t date the Lutheran boys, they know all too well what grace is.

6.  Marry the Lutheran men.......they know what grace is.

7.  Type matters.  If you’re not his type then too bad, get over it. Men have types they are interested in and don’t stray far from it. If you’re not their type then it’s not going to happen. Move on. There is no hope in this situation.

8.  Type doesn’t actually matter and people rarely end up with what their “type” is. Men date outside of their type all the time. Hold on to hope.

9.  There is a difference between romance and friendship and one can’t turn into the other.

10.  Friendships turning into romance are the best. Be friends first.

11.  Friend zone is a very real, active and inescapable place once you are there. If you are friend zoned it is better to accept condolences and move on as quickly as possible. They can find other friends.

12.  There is no such thing as a friend zone. You can escape from it. Hang in there....you never know...

13.  Just wait.... for God’s timing. It’s going to be PERFECT for you.

14.  Don’t wait.... get out there, TRY for goodness sakes, meet new people, go online and put yourself out there. Find a new pool of people.

15.  Know what you want. Weed them out and don’t waste time on someone who is not exactly what you want or doesn’t fit your list.

16.  Try out everything, like ice cream. Give people chances. No one is perfect. Recognize that what you want may not be what you need and be open to something unexpected.  Sometimes what you need is opposite of your list.

17.  NEVER date long distance. It’s destined to fail. Dismiss it right away and don’t consider it. Protect yourself from that potential heartache.

18.  Hop on that plane!  Don’t worry about long distance. Technology allows for a lot of ways to get to know someone. It can work so take the risk! What else are you waiting for? Life geographies can change and it just may be worth intentionally figuring out.

19.  Give up your career. A guy has to know you are interested in settling down and if you are too independent he won’t want to take that on.

20.  Career is attractive. Keep doing what you do!

There is probably a little truth to all of the advice I’ve been given over the years and it has  worked at some point in time for people and situations. When it comes down to it dating is different for everyone.  Use wise decisions and work it out with the person you’re interested in.  I’ve seen anything from people dating long distance and getting married within a few months to people dating for a decade before getting married.  I’ve also seen relationships not work out and hopefully both people grew or they learned something new about themselves even in the heartache.

I was given advice from a former pastor of mine a little over a year ago that is probably the most on point piece of advice that I would endorse.  Be you.  Have fun.  The most attractive thing is someone just being themselves and having fun.

So ladies, figure yourself out. The more you figure out and own who you are and want to be the more you will be able to get over your own insecurities to pour into and receive from a relationship later.  I can’t tell you how many times I have sabotaged myself in the past from just not owning who I am and changing aspects of me to be what I thought someone else wanted  When really what they wanted was probably exactly who I was but hid from them.  

There may not be biblical advice on how to date in our culture, but there is biblical advice on how to live.  Jump into that.  Love others intentionally with grace.  Serve in your church community and with your neighbors.  Enjoy life and struggle in life with others.  Pray for others.  Be involved in life. Build a relationship with God that can overflow into a relationships and how you live life.

Don’t pine away for relationships you don’t have.  I’m not being dismissive of the very real pain of feeling unloved and unworthy sometimes.  I feel it and fight it all the time but don't miss out on the joys and loves in being single in this life phase. 

Have girls’ nights out and connect with others.  Laugh and joke with friends and have fun life experiences.  Stay up late having deep conversations.  Cook dinner for yourself while blasting a record player.  Watch the new Avengers movie alone in the theater.  Read a book in a park or beach on a sunny day.  Walk around downtown while listening to podcasts.  Drink coffee and write blogs that you never post because they are too vulnerable or you question if anyone would care to read them.  Post blogs anyway even when you’re insecure about them.  Figure out what you enjoy in life.  Garden. Create your own holiday traditions like buying ornaments that reflect the past year or listening to the Don Wyrtzen “Home for Christmas” recording.  Be a chemist and make your own cleaning supplies.   Make a big deal out of the little things in life.  Host dinners.  Go on a hike.  Go to a pie bar and learn how to play darts.  Get lost for hours in hobby lobby or home depot.  Go to concerts and orchestras and free Shakespeare in the park plays.  Share your life with others.  Relax and lay under a tree and watch the leaves in the wind. Always learn something new and just enjoy the little things in life…….surprise yourself….with things like learning to enjoy basketball and getting emotional over playoffs.

Be you.  That's the only advice I could probably give logistically about dating.  Otherwise it depends on the situation.  The most attractive thing you can do for yourself and the other person is be you and work out your insecurities (we all have them). Be open to a relationship but in the mean time just do life.  There’s lots of Biblical advice on behaviors, building relationships, living life and loving others.  But it is all in a response to a relationship with God and not a "how to" instructional manual.  Do that, build that relationship. Figure out what your life is about. Lean to enjoy and have peace in the good times and the hard times. And if you meet someone who wants to experience life with you and you can get on bored with what they are doing in life too...then congrats. You can stop thinking about your biblical place in line at the engagement well and instead be present and connect with people whether a relationship starts or not. 

 

When God Disappoints

Lately in our youth group we have been discussing how God is either everything or nothing.  There is no in between.  If you believe in the existence of God then the knowledge alone demands some type of response to that information.   If He is nothing….then that is it. Emptiness. 

I confess that I have been disappointed by God before.  I always had faith and a relationship with Him but there were moments in life where I found myself out in nature at a park bench or picnic table journaling while screaming “why?” at God.

I assumed we were on the same page and then God suddenly switched gears on me as if He hadn’t quite read my memo.  He'd obviously read my memo though because He's God which means He obviously hated me or was playing games with my life instead.  My expectations and plans were good ones; ones that would even benefit Him, so why wouldn’t they work out?  In those moments it was easy to put myself into the “Andrea is everything” category rather than God.

We approach life like this a lot of the time, we expect something to go a certain way or anticipate results or plans to work out.  There are specific goals and hopeful outcomes for our jobs, health or relationships.  When they don’t pan out it can leave us questioning things and sometimes questioning God or being disappointed in Him.

Going into the Easter week I have been thinking of traditions, church services, the crucifixion, resurrection and God’s people.  God’s own people condemned His Son.

God disappointed them.  You see, they actually expected the Messiah to appear.  They had prophecies throughout the Old Testament and were well studied in what was to come.  HOW DID THEY MISS IT?

They expected a king, someone to restore their people and set up God’s Kingdom.  Instead there was this man who claimed to be the son of God who healed people, hung out with the broken and socially outcast people who preached on God’s love and repentance.   All while they followed the very laws that they saw as pleasing to God and protected them from offending God.  This isn’t what they expected.  They expected to be saved by the Messiah; saved from the law, saved from sin and saved from their political and religious unrest as God’s kingdom was established. 

They had expectations on how they thought the Messiah would come and what He would do.  They questioned Him on who He was and didn’t want to consider that Jesus was the Messiah they waited for.  He offended them. He didn’t fit their expectations and that must have meant He was nothing but a nuisance disrupting their beliefs.

After searching for ways to get rid of him they settled on crucifying Jesus for claiming to be the Son of God.  An unpopular choice as he had been known for healing and not criminal activities.  Even Pilate, who had to give him over to be crucified, found no basis to charge Jesus and washed his hands of it. 

In John 8:19-22 Pilate had a notice prepared and fastened to the cross that read, “Jesus of Nazareth, The King of the Jews.”  The chief priests of the Jews protested and asked Pilate to change it to say “this man claimed to be king of the Jews.”  But Pilate responded with, “what I have written, I have written.” Perhaps this was Pilot’s last way of saying that this is what Jesus is condemned for and He’s done nothing wrong.  Perhaps after questioning Jesus, Pilate wondered if or believed that Jesus may just be the King of the Jews.  Perhaps he was just angry at the Jews for forcing his hand on condemning an innocent man and gave them one final jab by declaring Jesus as their King.   

Jesus was crucified for exactly who He was; King of the Jews, the Messiah.  He wasn’t what they expected.  They were disappointed in their expectations and thought they knew God’s plan.  When God’s plan wasn’t theirs they were unable to recognize it.

Jesus was either everything He claimed to be, the son of God, or He was nothing.

He didn’t come to save them from political unrest and establish his kingdom in the way they expected.  Instead He came to do something far more important and to break the very way they saw and interacted with God by removing the barriers and fulfilling the law.  He saved us FOR God and to be His people regardless of circumstances and our own expectations.

I’m grateful this Easter to think on how He is everything and how I can continue to rest in Him and not my own expectations when they disappoint me.  As much as it can be easy to think that God has disappointed, the reality is that my own expectations or lack of grasping the whole picture is what has generally disappointed me.  I have instead been saved FOR God, not for myself.

He is all He claimed to be and was crucified for it, conquered death and rose the third day. 

Rewritten Prayers

Here we are, 2017 is over and the next year begins.  For me, that means I will probably try to live life better for the upcoming year, whatever “better” may mean.

I sometimes make New Years resolutions, whether they are voiced ones or not.  This year though I have instead opted to reflect on the past year and what I have experienced and learned rather than try to set up goals for the next year.  It has been a doozy of a year to say the least as it has been both amazing and incredibly difficult.  

We sang “It Is Well,” an older hymn, in church this morning and it struck me how true this song was for me this year.  The first verse of the song begins with:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

When I look back through my journaling this last year I can see the sorrows that came as sea billows from situation to situation with barely having room to breath before the next wave hit.  I can also see the occasional peaceful rivers where I felt God comforting me.  This year He really did show me that it is well with my soul.  I have always had the head knowledge of this concept, but I felt it this past year.

I felt emotions more this year than I have at any time in my life.  I hated it.  I’m used to being a quirky, strong, independent, steadfast woman. This year, there have been weaknesses and more tears than I have had in any other year.  But they’ve also washed away some deeply rooted pains in my life as God took situation after situation into his hands and did not leave them in my own trembling ones.

I was able to look back in some of my journals recently and contemplate where God and I are at in my journey and our relationship.  I confess, some of my prayers were selfish although in the selfish moments I did not see them that way and they were not intended to be so.  They centered on life situations and me rather than on God and who He is or who I am because of Him.  I could see a heart being churned and redirected in the writings.  I could see unfiltered and unbridled emotions and expectations of God.

It’s interesting to step back and look at things through a different lens every now and then.  There have been many scriptures, people, situations and books that God has used to pour into my life this year.  Situations have driven me to anger, frustration, hatred, and contempt while I worked through uncontrollable emotions with God.

If I could rewrite my journals and prayers over this past year I would.  I would remove the selfish, anguish of my plan not being God’s plan and just rest in Him.  To rewrite these prayers though would be to edit God’s grace in my life this last year.

 

 

There were other things that were good.  I have rested heavily this year in God’s mercy, peace and grace.  John 1:16 reads “For from his fulness we have all received, grace upon grace.”  I view this imagery of grace sea billows, with grace rolling in and continually being given.  Within the sorrowful sea billows God’s grace continues to abound and carry me.  I have been gifted with unexpected friendships and fun new characters in my life story and been supported and cared for in so many ways by friends and family.  I have been loved unconditionally by others in the midst of insecurities and feeling unloved.  It has been a year of God exposing myself to me and having to face some hard truths but to also be comforted in them, because of Him.

This last year has felt like a year of purpose, even with all the ups and downs.  I’ve been thinking on Psalm 90 lately especially as we go into the new year and I think of potential changes in 2018.  Specifically Psalm 90:12 which states:

So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

God has constantly reminded me this year that the life I am living is one that He has given me.  Not just in an “I am breathing” way…..but in a way that God marks out our boundaries and time and purpose….which means God put me on this earth, in this time period and gave me the life I am living (job, family, friends, relationship status, passions) and has crossed my path with the people in my life, who He has marked out their life for too.   

As we go into the New Year, it is a good reminder that God’s mercy and grace are new every morning, not just every year.  Regardless of the calendar number on the end of the date and my attempt at committing to do better, there is nothing I can do to complete myself but it is by His grace that carries me in his fullness that I can do anything at all.  The full of Psalm 90 reads:

A Prayer of Moses, the man of God.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place

in all generations.

²  Before the mountains were brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth and the world,

from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³  You return man to dust

and say, “Return, O children of man!”

⁴  For a thousand years in your sight

are but as yesterday when it is past,

or as a watch in the night.

⁵  You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,

like grass that is renewed in the morning:

⁶  in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;

in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷  For we are brought to an end by your anger;

by your wrath we are dismayed.

⁸  You have let our iniquities before you,

our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹  For all our days pass away under your wrath;

we bring our years to an end like a sigh.

¹⁰  The years of our life are seventy,

or even by reason of strength eighty;

yet their span is but toil and trouble;

they are soon gone, and we fly away.

¹¹  Who considers the power of your anger,

and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹²  So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

¹³  Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

¹⁴  Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

¹⁵  Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

¹⁶  Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

¹⁷  Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!

Verbum Domini Manet in Aeternum

There are situations in life where it is easy to question what the point of it is.  It is easier to justify a difficult situation or experience when there is reason or something good that comes from it.  In most good books, movies and stories there is a difficult thing or plotline that makes it all worth it in the end.  The movie wouldn’t be as good without the challenge and lessons learned through the struggles.  But the struggles come and go and the end of the book or story is never the real end.  It may end with a “happily ever after,” but it should probably end as “happily ever after for now,” as life difficulties continue and the joys of the story fade.  I’ve been thinking on this lately as I contemplate life and look back over the last year or forward to the upcoming year.  There are always good things and hard things in life, but it does make me wonder sometimes, what comes from it?  What’s the point of this time period?  What remains that is valuable as everything is sifted through?
 
I’ve thought of this often while pondering where to spend time and effort in life.  Do I focus on work, church, relationships and pouring into others or my own health?  We all have loves in life that are reflected in how we spend our time.  What lasts beyond us?  When the things we love in life such as work, church, relationships and health fail us, what remains?

This last year saw the 500^th anniversary of the reformation for my church.  I was encouraged by a Latin motto from the Lutheran Reformation that states, “Verbum Domini Manet in Aeternum” meaning “The Word of the Lord endures forever.” 
 

It is a good reminder on what actually remains.  The motto comes from 1 Peter 1:24-25 where it states:

  ²⁴ for

“All flesh is like grass
    and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
    and the flower falls,
²⁵ but the word of the Lord remains forever.”

And this word is the good news that was preached to you.

This doesn’t seem like the most encouraging verse in that it tells us we are like grass and wither.  Most of us would rather hear that we are strong and will have a legacy but this verse calls out exactly what we all know but tend to avoid, that our time is finite and we as humans fail.  We don’t have long on this earth and the one thing I hear from older generations repeatedly is that it goes by quickly. 

It also says that this word is the good news.  Flesh withering doesn’t seem like the best inspirational poster material, but it is encouraging that it is not dependent on us and our flesh.  In spite of our flesh withering, the word of the Lord remains.  In spite of us. 

This verse from 1 Peter comes from a section on our calling wherein verse 13 states, “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  Thank God for his continual grace that remains even when our flesh withers and fails us. 

 

There are situations in life or experiences that can’t be explained.  There are situations where we never will see a good resolution or receive an answer to the constant “why” question.

1 Peter is actually quoting another section of scripture from Isaiah 40.  The Isaiah passage is written to a people in exile.  This wasn’t exactly the glory days of God’s people.  In Isaiah, though He brought them low, He was still their God and identified with them.

 

The later part of Isaiah 40 has served as a reminder to me lately that not only does God’s word stand forever, but God’s greatness continually exceeds my own expectations even when I can’t answer my “why” questions or see the lessons.  He still remains.

Isaiah 40:9-31

The Greatness of God

⁹ Go on up to a high mountain,
    O Zion, herald of good news;^[e]
lift up your voice with strength,
    O Jerusalem, herald of good news;^[f]
    lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
    “Behold your God!”
¹⁰ Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
    and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
    and his recompense before him.
¹¹ He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
    he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
    and gently lead those that are with young.

¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
    and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
    and weighed the mountains in scales
    and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who has measured^[g] the Spirit of the Lord,
    or what man shows him his counsel?
¹⁴ Whom did he consult,
    and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
    and taught him knowledge,
    and showed him the way of understanding?
¹⁵ Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
    and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
    behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
    nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
¹⁷ All the nations are as nothing before him,
    they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

¹⁸ To whom then will you liken God,
    or what likeness compare with him?
¹⁹ An idol! A craftsman casts it,
    and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
    and casts for it silver chains.
²⁰ He who is too impoverished for an offering
    chooses wood^[h] that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
    to set up an idol that will not move.

²¹ Do you not know? Do you not hear?
    Has it not been told you from the beginning?
    Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
²² It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
    and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
    and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
²³ who brings princes to nothing,
    and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

²⁴ Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
    scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
    and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

²⁵ To whom then will you compare me,
    that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes on high and see:
    who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
    calling them all by name;
by the greatness of his might
    and because he is strong in power,
    not one is missing.

²⁷ Why do you say, O Jacob,
    and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
    and my right is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
³⁰ Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

The Lies of #Blessed

I moved to Seattle ten months ago with the excitement of life changes and a new phase.  When I moved to Seattle it was with the knowledge that some things would be really good and some things would be hard.  I would have always preferred to be a country girl than city girl so city life still sometimes intimidates me.  I could never have anticipated what the last ten months brought.  I still get asked how Seattle is going and I have to stop to realize it has only been ten months.  Sometimes it feels like two years with many lifetimes in them.  God has blessed me while in Seattle in some of the best and some of the most painful ways possible.

It’s easy to think of “blessed” in the sense of #blessed with Instagram pictures of coffee art, friend nights, activities, scenic views or family.  The last ten months have included all of those for me and I love my Seattle life.  I get to live close to friends and my current church community.  My job is going really well and I get to visit the city daily and experience the Seattle life and culture.  I can walk to Pike place on lunch to hear the market sounds and see fish being thrown, or visit museums on free museum days, or go shopping.  I get to have my own hotdog vendor and sit in a cement park listening to local street musicians surrounded by people as they play chess and swarm food trucks.  I can sit on the edge of a fountain during lunch break and read in the sun. I live next to a coffee shop and on the same street as a neighborhood local market and multiple restaurants that I can meet up with friends at a moments notice.  There are people in my life that I cherish and I have formed lifelong relationships.  God has given me many blessings in this phase of life in Seattle.

In the past I’ve narrowed the definition of God’s blessings to be defined as “positive things” in my life.  I’ve been realizing there are more to blessings than just the “good blessings.” Blessing can be defined as a special favor, mercy or benefit. 

My Seattle life has also been one of the most emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging times in my life and has felt like years.  As hard as it has been I’m beginning to see glimpses of how God has been using these times to change and soften my heart.  The hardships I have been through may actually be a special favor, mercy or benefit from God.  He has protected me from myself and my own plans in so many ways while gently guiding me and redirecting me in His plans. 

There were times this last year where it was hard to see God. I see pain every day.  There are a lot of mental health issues in Seattle and along with all the vibrant life in the city comes darkness.  My bus route has people who talk to themselves while genuinely thinking they are talking to others.  I have seen groups of people fight and threaten to “cut each other” or throw hot soup on one another (don’t tell my mom!).  There are women at my bus stop who compare the conditions of the shelters they currently stay in and vent their frustrations on how they get kicked out when they don’t follow the shelter’s rules and take drugs in.  There are people who have it all (job, family, things) yet still struggle with significance, security and purpose in life.  There is so much pain and darkness around me that I can feel helpless to actually fix anything. 

On top of that there were personal struggles with where God had me in life and recognizing when to move on from some friendships.  There were times I felt emotionally and spiritually insufficient and undone and times where I was left wondering, “What are you doing or why would you even allow Satan to do this, God?”  Questions I know better than.  It can be difficult for me to not overanalyze and stress over how I can fix something or try to figure out what I should be getting out of it.  Even as God has physically taken care of me I’ve had to rely more emotionally and mentally on Him the last year than ever before. 

It’s not all as glamorous as my Instagram account would portray. The "#blessed" I use sometimes edits out the hardest places and what God has actually been doing in my life.

In this time of life, one of the many passages God reminded me of was Joel 2.  My life is not quite as desperate as the context of Joel 2 with armies of locust destroying everything.  But emotionally it sometimes felt like it.  I was comforted by how many times I can rely on the phrase, “But God,” or “Yet even now.” It leaves a confidence that even in the darkest of places and times God is still able to change hearts, situations and people.

Joel 2:12-14

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
¹³     and rend your hearts and not your garments.”
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
    and he relents over disaster.
¹⁴ Who knows whether he will not turn and relent,
    and leave a blessing behind him,
a grain offering and a drink offering
    for the Lord your God?

“Yet….even now,” gives hope in dark places.  I can feel insufficient and emotionally drained but can rest in who God is and know that there is nothing for me to do but to give God my heart and allow him to use me.  It takes the emphasis off of me and instead puts it on God and his steadfast love. 

My current hardships may actually be a blessing from God in his mercies and protection from my own “what ifs.”  They have ultimately continued to point me to God and trusting in who He is while leaving behind a blessing.   In the midst of inner turmoil, He has reaffirmed and given me deeper understandings of Who He is, how He sees me and the peace that comes with the confidence in trusting.

Yes, God has blessed me with good things and moments in life that I know I will cherish. But God has also blessed me in the hard times I wouldn’t label as “#blessed.”

Roots of Peace

I’ve been learning about and experiencing peace in life lately.  I didn’t realize it was still something that God was working with me on.  Sometimes He works with me on things that I don’t know He is working on.  It can be rather quite annoying.

Peace was and will continue to be a hard one for me to grasp.  I can grasp the knowledge part of peace but the application part of it is a little trickier.  I tend to be an ambitious go-getter, administrative/planning type of person who can and will overanalyze everything.  It’s one of my better attributes and a huge asset when channeled correctly with my passions.  When used incorrectly my “controlling” Jekyll and Hyde, planning, anxious diva side can come out.  My friends and I try to keep her locked up.

When I’m faced with situations that I must let play out and can’t fix, it is pure torture.  There is a lot that goes into peace or being at peace with something.  One simply can’t be at peace unless they don’t care about anything.

I was recently in a situation where I continued to pray for peace, but instead God told me to give it up and that He’s got it and will fix or deal with it.  He didn’t need me in this situation but letting go is hard for me.  Letting go feels like giving up and not caring about ripple effects or things that are going wrong and people who hurt.  It felt like not caring about everything I thought I held dear at that time.  I don’t let go that well.

Instead of God just outright giving me peace He reminded me of much more.  I had to first off be reminded of who God is.  This doesn’t mean be reminded of who I am and how I view God but be reminded of who He actually is and how faithful He has been.  It meant being reminded to trust God because of who He is in the scriptures and in my life and not because of what I want Him to do or fix. 

There is a passage in Philippians where Paul addresses a situation where two women were not getting along.  It doesn’t say why they were not getting along but generally in arguments it never matters how it started as they point to much deeper root issues.    

Philippians 4:2-9

² I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to ⁿagree in the Lord. ³ Yes, I ask you also, true companion,² help these women, who have labored³ side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, ^owhose names are in the book of life.

^4 pRejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. ⁵ Let your reasonableness⁴ be known to everyone. ^qThe Lord is at hand; ^6 rdo not be anxious about anything, ^sbut in everything by prayer and supplication ^twith thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And ^uthe peace of God, ^vwhich surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹ What you have learned⁵ and ^wreceived and heard and seen ^xin me—practice these things, and ^ythe God of peace will be with you.

These women had a disagreement going on to the point where it was impacting them as well as those in the church.  They were women who had labored side by side in ministry, yet were having issues.  Their disagreement was to the point where Paul included and called it out in his letter and asked others to help these women.  Perhaps it was something as simple as a misunderstanding, or perhaps it was something as big as a need for an intervention, reality tv show style.  It doesn’t matter.  What does matter is how Paul directed them both past themselves and back to God.

He tells them to Rejoice in the Lord always, and says it again for emphasis.  To truly rejoice in the Lord means to really see and understand who God is and to feel great delight in Him.  Rejoicing in the Lord puts all other things in perspective and they could then be reasonable.  This isn’t something that is rooted from themselves but from God.  Their own selves already caused the problem that needed to be addressed to begin with.

Vs 5-6 “……….The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

We can put aside anxious thoughts over uncontrollable things when we know that the Lord is at hand in everything.  There is true peace when we know that the Lord is at hand because we know who He is.  We can in a sense, not care; at least not anxiously care.  We can care lovingly and be at Peace because we have confidence in God no matter the circumstances.  This doesn’t mean God doesn’t want to hear from us even though He is already working in situations.  Paul said to make your requests known to God in everything by prayer and supplication as well as thanksgiving and wrapped up with:          

                    Vs 8-9 “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

I had to do this for a period of two weeks recently.  I literally logged on my phone things that I was thankful for daily as I recognized them.  I had to look for things to be thankful for and was pleasantly surprised to find an overabundance of them.  It allowed me to see all the little things God was still actively at work in.

I may care about everything too much.  I can care lovingly and let go rather than anxiously when I know that God is at hand and have a peace that as Paul describes “will guard our hearts and minds.” 

Peace doesn't mean being in a constant quite place where life isn't messy, but it does mean having a confidence and trust in who God is rather in our own circumstances.

There is always something worthy of praise, even if it is only the breath that we have.  Maybe it’s not even that.  Maybe things sometimes feel so desperate that we praise God for things we know we cannot and will not ever see or understand but can trust that He is faithful in them.  Maybe it is a simple praise for who He is and what He has done outside of ourselves.