Rewritten Prayers

Here we are, 2017 is over and the next year begins.  For me, that means I will probably try to live life better for the upcoming year, whatever “better” may mean.

I sometimes make New Years resolutions, whether they are voiced ones or not.  This year though I have instead opted to reflect on the past year and what I have experienced and learned rather than try to set up goals for the next year.  It has been a doozy of a year to say the least as it has been both amazing and incredibly difficult.  

We sang “It Is Well,” an older hymn, in church this morning and it struck me how true this song was for me this year.  The first verse of the song begins with:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

When I look back through my journaling this last year I can see the sorrows that came as sea billows from situation to situation with barely having room to breath before the next wave hit.  I can also see the occasional peaceful rivers where I felt God comforting me.  This year He really did show me that it is well with my soul.  I have always had the head knowledge of this concept, but I felt it this past year.

I felt emotions more this year than I have at any time in my life.  I hated it.  I’m used to being a quirky, strong, independent, steadfast woman. This year, there have been weaknesses and more tears than I have had in any other year.  But they’ve also washed away some deeply rooted pains in my life as God took situation after situation into his hands and did not leave them in my own trembling ones.

I was able to look back in some of my journals recently and contemplate where God and I are at in my journey and our relationship.  I confess, some of my prayers were selfish although in the selfish moments I did not see them that way and they were not intended to be so.  They centered on life situations and me rather than on God and who He is or who I am because of Him.  I could see a heart being churned and redirected in the writings.  I could see unfiltered and unbridled emotions and expectations of God.

It’s interesting to step back and look at things through a different lens every now and then.  There have been many scriptures, people, situations and books that God has used to pour into my life this year.  Situations have driven me to anger, frustration, hatred, and contempt while I worked through uncontrollable emotions with God.

If I could rewrite my journals and prayers over this past year I would.  I would remove the selfish, anguish of my plan not being God’s plan and just rest in Him.  To rewrite these prayers though would be to edit God’s grace in my life this last year.

 

 

There were other things that were good.  I have rested heavily this year in God’s mercy, peace and grace.  John 1:16 reads “For from his fulness we have all received, grace upon grace.”  I view this imagery of grace sea billows, with grace rolling in and continually being given.  Within the sorrowful sea billows God’s grace continues to abound and carry me.  I have been gifted with unexpected friendships and fun new characters in my life story and been supported and cared for in so many ways by friends and family.  I have been loved unconditionally by others in the midst of insecurities and feeling unloved.  It has been a year of God exposing myself to me and having to face some hard truths but to also be comforted in them, because of Him.

This last year has felt like a year of purpose, even with all the ups and downs.  I’ve been thinking on Psalm 90 lately especially as we go into the new year and I think of potential changes in 2018.  Specifically Psalm 90:12 which states:

So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

God has constantly reminded me this year that the life I am living is one that He has given me.  Not just in an “I am breathing” way…..but in a way that God marks out our boundaries and time and purpose….which means God put me on this earth, in this time period and gave me the life I am living (job, family, friends, relationship status, passions) and has crossed my path with the people in my life, who He has marked out their life for too.   

As we go into the New Year, it is a good reminder that God’s mercy and grace are new every morning, not just every year.  Regardless of the calendar number on the end of the date and my attempt at committing to do better, there is nothing I can do to complete myself but it is by His grace that carries me in his fullness that I can do anything at all.  The full of Psalm 90 reads:

A Prayer of Moses, the man of God.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place

in all generations.

²  Before the mountains were brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth and the world,

from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³  You return man to dust

and say, “Return, O children of man!”

⁴  For a thousand years in your sight

are but as yesterday when it is past,

or as a watch in the night.

⁵  You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,

like grass that is renewed in the morning:

⁶  in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;

in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷  For we are brought to an end by your anger;

by your wrath we are dismayed.

⁸  You have let our iniquities before you,

our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹  For all our days pass away under your wrath;

we bring our years to an end like a sigh.

¹⁰  The years of our life are seventy,

or even by reason of strength eighty;

yet their span is but toil and trouble;

they are soon gone, and we fly away.

¹¹  Who considers the power of your anger,

and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹²  So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

¹³  Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

¹⁴  Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

¹⁵  Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

¹⁶  Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

¹⁷  Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!

Verbum Domini Manet in Aeternum

There are situations in life where it is easy to question what the point of it is.  It is easier to justify a difficult situation or experience when there is reason or something good that comes from it.  In most good books, movies and stories there is a difficult thing or plotline that makes it all worth it in the end.  The movie wouldn’t be as good without the challenge and lessons learned through the struggles.  But the struggles come and go and the end of the book or story is never the real end.  It may end with a “happily ever after,” but it should probably end as “happily ever after for now,” as life difficulties continue and the joys of the story fade.  I’ve been thinking on this lately as I contemplate life and look back over the last year or forward to the upcoming year.  There are always good things and hard things in life, but it does make me wonder sometimes, what comes from it?  What’s the point of this time period?  What remains that is valuable as everything is sifted through?
 
I’ve thought of this often while pondering where to spend time and effort in life.  Do I focus on work, church, relationships and pouring into others or my own health?  We all have loves in life that are reflected in how we spend our time.  What lasts beyond us?  When the things we love in life such as work, church, relationships and health fail us, what remains?

This last year saw the 500^th anniversary of the reformation for my church.  I was encouraged by a Latin motto from the Lutheran Reformation that states, “Verbum Domini Manet in Aeternum” meaning “The Word of the Lord endures forever.” 
 

It is a good reminder on what actually remains.  The motto comes from 1 Peter 1:24-25 where it states:

  ²⁴ for

“All flesh is like grass
    and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
    and the flower falls,
²⁵ but the word of the Lord remains forever.”

And this word is the good news that was preached to you.

This doesn’t seem like the most encouraging verse in that it tells us we are like grass and wither.  Most of us would rather hear that we are strong and will have a legacy but this verse calls out exactly what we all know but tend to avoid, that our time is finite and we as humans fail.  We don’t have long on this earth and the one thing I hear from older generations repeatedly is that it goes by quickly. 

It also says that this word is the good news.  Flesh withering doesn’t seem like the best inspirational poster material, but it is encouraging that it is not dependent on us and our flesh.  In spite of our flesh withering, the word of the Lord remains.  In spite of us. 

This verse from 1 Peter comes from a section on our calling wherein verse 13 states, “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  Thank God for his continual grace that remains even when our flesh withers and fails us. 

 

There are situations in life or experiences that can’t be explained.  There are situations where we never will see a good resolution or receive an answer to the constant “why” question.

1 Peter is actually quoting another section of scripture from Isaiah 40.  The Isaiah passage is written to a people in exile.  This wasn’t exactly the glory days of God’s people.  In Isaiah, though He brought them low, He was still their God and identified with them.

 

The later part of Isaiah 40 has served as a reminder to me lately that not only does God’s word stand forever, but God’s greatness continually exceeds my own expectations even when I can’t answer my “why” questions or see the lessons.  He still remains.

Isaiah 40:9-31

The Greatness of God

⁹ Go on up to a high mountain,
    O Zion, herald of good news;^[e]
lift up your voice with strength,
    O Jerusalem, herald of good news;^[f]
    lift it up, fear not;
say to the cities of Judah,
    “Behold your God!”
¹⁰ Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
    and his arm rules for him;
behold, his reward is with him,
    and his recompense before him.
¹¹ He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
    he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
    and gently lead those that are with young.

¹² Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand
    and marked off the heavens with a span,
enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure
    and weighed the mountains in scales
    and the hills in a balance?
¹³ Who has measured^[g] the Spirit of the Lord,
    or what man shows him his counsel?
¹⁴ Whom did he consult,
    and who made him understand?
Who taught him the path of justice,
    and taught him knowledge,
    and showed him the way of understanding?
¹⁵ Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
    and are accounted as the dust on the scales;
    behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust.
¹⁶ Lebanon would not suffice for fuel,
    nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
¹⁷ All the nations are as nothing before him,
    they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness.

¹⁸ To whom then will you liken God,
    or what likeness compare with him?
¹⁹ An idol! A craftsman casts it,
    and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
    and casts for it silver chains.
²⁰ He who is too impoverished for an offering
    chooses wood^[h] that will not rot;
he seeks out a skillful craftsman
    to set up an idol that will not move.

²¹ Do you not know? Do you not hear?
    Has it not been told you from the beginning?
    Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
²² It is he who sits above the circle of the earth,
    and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers;
who stretches out the heavens like a curtain,
    and spreads them like a tent to dwell in;
²³ who brings princes to nothing,
    and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

²⁴ Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown,
    scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth,
when he blows on them, and they wither,
    and the tempest carries them off like stubble.

²⁵ To whom then will you compare me,
    that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift up your eyes on high and see:
    who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
    calling them all by name;
by the greatness of his might
    and because he is strong in power,
    not one is missing.

²⁷ Why do you say, O Jacob,
    and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
    and my right is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
³⁰ Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

The Lies of #Blessed

I moved to Seattle ten months ago with the excitement of life changes and a new phase.  When I moved to Seattle it was with the knowledge that some things would be really good and some things would be hard.  I would have always preferred to be a country girl than city girl so city life still sometimes intimidates me.  I could never have anticipated what the last ten months brought.  I still get asked how Seattle is going and I have to stop to realize it has only been ten months.  Sometimes it feels like two years with many lifetimes in them.  God has blessed me while in Seattle in some of the best and some of the most painful ways possible.

It’s easy to think of “blessed” in the sense of #blessed with Instagram pictures of coffee art, friend nights, activities, scenic views or family.  The last ten months have included all of those for me and I love my Seattle life.  I get to live close to friends and my current church community.  My job is going really well and I get to visit the city daily and experience the Seattle life and culture.  I can walk to Pike place on lunch to hear the market sounds and see fish being thrown, or visit museums on free museum days, or go shopping.  I get to have my own hotdog vendor and sit in a cement park listening to local street musicians surrounded by people as they play chess and swarm food trucks.  I can sit on the edge of a fountain during lunch break and read in the sun. I live next to a coffee shop and on the same street as a neighborhood local market and multiple restaurants that I can meet up with friends at a moments notice.  There are people in my life that I cherish and I have formed lifelong relationships.  God has given me many blessings in this phase of life in Seattle.

In the past I’ve narrowed the definition of God’s blessings to be defined as “positive things” in my life.  I’ve been realizing there are more to blessings than just the “good blessings.” Blessing can be defined as a special favor, mercy or benefit. 

My Seattle life has also been one of the most emotionally, mentally and spiritually challenging times in my life and has felt like years.  As hard as it has been I’m beginning to see glimpses of how God has been using these times to change and soften my heart.  The hardships I have been through may actually be a special favor, mercy or benefit from God.  He has protected me from myself and my own plans in so many ways while gently guiding me and redirecting me in His plans. 

There were times this last year where it was hard to see God. I see pain every day.  There are a lot of mental health issues in Seattle and along with all the vibrant life in the city comes darkness.  My bus route has people who talk to themselves while genuinely thinking they are talking to others.  I have seen groups of people fight and threaten to “cut each other” or throw hot soup on one another (don’t tell my mom!).  There are women at my bus stop who compare the conditions of the shelters they currently stay in and vent their frustrations on how they get kicked out when they don’t follow the shelter’s rules and take drugs in.  There are people who have it all (job, family, things) yet still struggle with significance, security and purpose in life.  There is so much pain and darkness around me that I can feel helpless to actually fix anything. 

On top of that there were personal struggles with where God had me in life and recognizing when to move on from some friendships.  There were times I felt emotionally and spiritually insufficient and undone and times where I was left wondering, “What are you doing or why would you even allow Satan to do this, God?”  Questions I know better than.  It can be difficult for me to not overanalyze and stress over how I can fix something or try to figure out what I should be getting out of it.  Even as God has physically taken care of me I’ve had to rely more emotionally and mentally on Him the last year than ever before. 

It’s not all as glamorous as my Instagram account would portray. The "#blessed" I use sometimes edits out the hardest places and what God has actually been doing in my life.

In this time of life, one of the many passages God reminded me of was Joel 2.  My life is not quite as desperate as the context of Joel 2 with armies of locust destroying everything.  But emotionally it sometimes felt like it.  I was comforted by how many times I can rely on the phrase, “But God,” or “Yet even now.” It leaves a confidence that even in the darkest of places and times God is still able to change hearts, situations and people.

Joel 2:12-14

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord,
    “return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
¹³     and rend your hearts and not your garments.”
Return to the Lord your God,
    for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
    and he relents over disaster.
¹⁴ Who knows whether he will not turn and relent,
    and leave a blessing behind him,
a grain offering and a drink offering
    for the Lord your God?

“Yet….even now,” gives hope in dark places.  I can feel insufficient and emotionally drained but can rest in who God is and know that there is nothing for me to do but to give God my heart and allow him to use me.  It takes the emphasis off of me and instead puts it on God and his steadfast love. 

My current hardships may actually be a blessing from God in his mercies and protection from my own “what ifs.”  They have ultimately continued to point me to God and trusting in who He is while leaving behind a blessing.   In the midst of inner turmoil, He has reaffirmed and given me deeper understandings of Who He is, how He sees me and the peace that comes with the confidence in trusting.

Yes, God has blessed me with good things and moments in life that I know I will cherish. But God has also blessed me in the hard times I wouldn’t label as “#blessed.”

Roots of Peace

I’ve been learning about and experiencing peace in life lately.  I didn’t realize it was still something that God was working with me on.  Sometimes He works with me on things that I don’t know He is working on.  It can be rather quite annoying.

Peace was and will continue to be a hard one for me to grasp.  I can grasp the knowledge part of peace but the application part of it is a little trickier.  I tend to be an ambitious go-getter, administrative/planning type of person who can and will overanalyze everything.  It’s one of my better attributes and a huge asset when channeled correctly with my passions.  When used incorrectly my “controlling” Jekyll and Hyde, planning, anxious diva side can come out.  My friends and I try to keep her locked up.

When I’m faced with situations that I must let play out and can’t fix, it is pure torture.  There is a lot that goes into peace or being at peace with something.  One simply can’t be at peace unless they don’t care about anything.

I was recently in a situation where I continued to pray for peace, but instead God told me to give it up and that He’s got it and will fix or deal with it.  He didn’t need me in this situation but letting go is hard for me.  Letting go feels like giving up and not caring about ripple effects or things that are going wrong and people who hurt.  It felt like not caring about everything I thought I held dear at that time.  I don’t let go that well.

Instead of God just outright giving me peace He reminded me of much more.  I had to first off be reminded of who God is.  This doesn’t mean be reminded of who I am and how I view God but be reminded of who He actually is and how faithful He has been.  It meant being reminded to trust God because of who He is in the scriptures and in my life and not because of what I want Him to do or fix. 

There is a passage in Philippians where Paul addresses a situation where two women were not getting along.  It doesn’t say why they were not getting along but generally in arguments it never matters how it started as they point to much deeper root issues.    

Philippians 4:2-9

² I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to ⁿagree in the Lord. ³ Yes, I ask you also, true companion,² help these women, who have labored³ side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, ^owhose names are in the book of life.

^4 pRejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. ⁵ Let your reasonableness⁴ be known to everyone. ^qThe Lord is at hand; ^6 rdo not be anxious about anything, ^sbut in everything by prayer and supplication ^twith thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And ^uthe peace of God, ^vwhich surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ⁹ What you have learned⁵ and ^wreceived and heard and seen ^xin me—practice these things, and ^ythe God of peace will be with you.

These women had a disagreement going on to the point where it was impacting them as well as those in the church.  They were women who had labored side by side in ministry, yet were having issues.  Their disagreement was to the point where Paul included and called it out in his letter and asked others to help these women.  Perhaps it was something as simple as a misunderstanding, or perhaps it was something as big as a need for an intervention, reality tv show style.  It doesn’t matter.  What does matter is how Paul directed them both past themselves and back to God.

He tells them to Rejoice in the Lord always, and says it again for emphasis.  To truly rejoice in the Lord means to really see and understand who God is and to feel great delight in Him.  Rejoicing in the Lord puts all other things in perspective and they could then be reasonable.  This isn’t something that is rooted from themselves but from God.  Their own selves already caused the problem that needed to be addressed to begin with.

Vs 5-6 “……….The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

We can put aside anxious thoughts over uncontrollable things when we know that the Lord is at hand in everything.  There is true peace when we know that the Lord is at hand because we know who He is.  We can in a sense, not care; at least not anxiously care.  We can care lovingly and be at Peace because we have confidence in God no matter the circumstances.  This doesn’t mean God doesn’t want to hear from us even though He is already working in situations.  Paul said to make your requests known to God in everything by prayer and supplication as well as thanksgiving and wrapped up with:          

                    Vs 8-9 “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

I had to do this for a period of two weeks recently.  I literally logged on my phone things that I was thankful for daily as I recognized them.  I had to look for things to be thankful for and was pleasantly surprised to find an overabundance of them.  It allowed me to see all the little things God was still actively at work in.

I may care about everything too much.  I can care lovingly and let go rather than anxiously when I know that God is at hand and have a peace that as Paul describes “will guard our hearts and minds.” 

Peace doesn't mean being in a constant quite place where life isn't messy, but it does mean having a confidence and trust in who God is rather in our own circumstances.

There is always something worthy of praise, even if it is only the breath that we have.  Maybe it’s not even that.  Maybe things sometimes feel so desperate that we praise God for things we know we cannot and will not ever see or understand but can trust that He is faithful in them.  Maybe it is a simple praise for who He is and what He has done outside of ourselves.     

An Honest Prayer

Lord, give me courage.  You go before me and love me even when my testimony turns into the despair of wine and chocolate cookies.  How could I desire anything but You?  Yet here I fall.  Here You hold me.  Here You know me like none other. 

Lord, have mercy, when I only see myself and only see You behind me instead of in front of me.  I try to see You, yet the issue remains in the two words of “I try.”  I have longed for things outside of You and what You have built for me.

I pray I would cherish in my heart everything You have done in my life.  You are Lord even in my heart's turmoil.  When my heart feels crushed You still give me breath.  You overwrite my flaws in Your grace.  Replace my desires with Yours as You continue to remove the eclipse of myself before You to no longer block Your light with myself.


  Psalm 121:3 "He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber."

Photo Cred:  Becky Charlick, August 2017 Eclipse Salem, OR

What's in a Name?

Earlier this summer I stood at the back of a crowded room and had a conversation with someone who told me that my name means “Courageous.”  I’ve heard variations of the meaning of my name before; with most convenience store trinkets ascribing my name as “womanly” or “graceful” in some various form. 

My favorite name meaning for Andrea comes from the reliable source of Urban Dictionary where it says,

              “A gorgeous lady that is one of a kind, the most rare female on the face of the earth; the kind that every guy dreams about.  She is confident, honest, loyal, protective of what she has, strong artistic, beautiful inside and out, excellent lover.  A tower of strength for those she cares for, the rock to her family.  She is a person you can depend on, just don’t go too far in crossing lines with her or those she loves. Or else you better run and get out of her way….because she will come out and get you.”

Thank you, Urban Dictionary, I’ll take it (perhaps without the threatening part of it). 

In the short conversation from earlier this summer I was told my name comes from the Greek word Andros which means “manly,” not in the sense of “masculine” but as brave and more specifically courageous.

I didn’t think much of this conversation in late June, but what followed were two months of situations and moments where I needed to do or say things I never had before.  At random times in these moments I would hear that voice saying, “Your name actually means courageous.”  I would randomly remember that simple conversation at the exact moments I needed to be courageous and to remember that God was in control.  In some ways, remembering my name meant courageous, made me be courageous.

This simple reminder kept me going and reminded me that circumstances didn’t change who I was or more importantly who God was.  It also reminded me of how God sees me.  Not my name, but the names He has given us in Him.

1 Peter 2: 9-10 states:

^“9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. ¹⁰ Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.”

How different would we behave if we constantly remembered that we are God’s people?  A people who have received mercy and are His, called into the light.

God has named us as His people.  He doesn’t promise an easy, pain free, non-emotional life as His people but calls us into the light.  Light always exposes things that can be painful and scary to face head on.  It can be tempting to stay in the dark and hide the ugliness sometimes.  But God’s marvelous light comes with peace and a deep understanding of his grace and mercy, and moving forward.

In addition to who we are individually we have been named together as God’s people.  As part of His people we encourage and build each other up, and reach out to others, even when it is tempting to blame.

1 Peter 2:1-5 says:

“So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. 2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— 3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.

4 As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, 5 you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.”

I heard an example of building a wall this past week, where if one brick is removed the wall is weakened. The brick is still a brick when it is alone, but it isn’t a wall and doing what it could be doing best.  The wall can still stand without the brick, but it still has a hole and the wall is weakened.  Both the brick and the wall are worse off.  If we are living stones, built on Christ, then there are times we will need to remember that God called us as His people individually and together. 

Christianity is lived out in community where there are weaknesses and strengths used to pour into each other’s lives.  When we remember who we are as God’s people we can put aside everything to grow with each other and be built up as a spiritual house. 

I had to remember the simplistic conversation of the meaning of my name to be what my name means; and I’ve had to remember who I am as part of a community to continue to be part of it and grow.   

We are weak in many ways, but as God brings our imperfectness into His marvelous light He provides encouragement, strength and growth.  As we understand the mercy and grace God has given us as individuals we can extend it to each other in community. 

Of Stories and Chapters

My life is not just one story, but many stories.  Chapters open and close in devastation or excitement.  There have been times of uncertainty and times of confidence.  Stories of insecurities and successes, of pain and heartache, and friendship and love.  There are moments when my heart and mind scream “Oh, I finally get it!” only to be humbly reminded months or years later that no, no I don’t get it.  Maybe I have the head knowledge but have not had to experience something and having the knowledge and facing it in reality can be two very different things.   

I recently closed out a chapter of my life that was painful but needed.  In that process I felt myself fighting to not become angry or bitter at God for allowing some things to occur or not occur in my life.  I was angry at other people who are also fallible and made hurtful choices and actions.

The thing is though, it will happen again in life.  The pain and hurt in life situations will come and go in various forms.  There will be moments when I will selfishly cry out "Why Me, God? Why Now?" in various forms.  They will continue to drive me to call on God out of anguish for guidance, wisdom and peace.

When crying out to God for peace and understanding in this past chapter in life there were moments when people unknowingly spoke into my life.  There were Bible passages, articles or podcasts that God used to encourage me at the exact moment I needed it. There were times where I was so grateful for a simple text from a friend. There were also times where I felt silence from God.  Times where I failed miserably by trying to do it on my own and couldn’t see past myself.  People can be the least lovable when they need love the most.  I loved a friend at their darkest and struggled to not lose myself in that. God provided people to spur me on and love me for me and encourage me.  

The truth is, that it’s never been about me or my story.  It’s God’s story and what He is doing in and through my life.  There are moments when I know this but I lose site of resting in all the amazing things God is doing in my life presently and hope for a different future.  A future based on what I assume would be better, even though it could be devastating if realized.

In these situations, it is easy to assume that God is testing my faith.  It’s not true though.  God knows my faith already and instead is reminding me of how deep His faithfulness is no matter the situation. 

Psalms 23 has been a passage that I have known my entire life.  It’s been one I have taken for granted and just known the words of but never cared much for if I am honest.  I get it.  We’re stupid sheep and God takes care of us.

During the last month, I read the book “A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23” by W. Phillip Keller who was born in East Africa and was among other things…. wait for it…a shepherd.  This book had been buried in a pile of books for the past months when I found it in my purse while stuck on a long bus ride spurring me to read it at probably just the time I needed to in life.

 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. 

It would be impossible to summarize everything I got out of the book but there were some great takeaways.  The first verse alone demands that we consider what type of Shepherd is the Lord and what is His character?  Do we think He is the type that would abandon us to fend for ourselves or the type that genuinely wants what is best for us even when it feels painful or we can’t see the other side of it? There was quite a price paid for us and He loves in ways that we will never understand. 

I learned a lot about sheep, like the fact that they will not lie down unless they are free from friction with other sheep, free from flies and parasites and free from hunger.  “He makes me lie down in green pastures” isn’t just Him forcing us to lazily lounge in fields.  They are all aspects of life that when we trust Him with them we can be at rest.

I also learned that sheep are creatures of habit.  They will follow the same path until it becomes a rut and graze the same field until it is a desert.  They will pollute their own ground until it is corrupt.  A good shepherd will be aware of this and move the sheep even when they don’t want to be prodded on.  “He leads me in paths of righteousness” by once again showing His character in moving us to what is better in Him.

Sheep are also led to higher ground during the spring to new pastures.  During this time, the sheep are commonly alone with the shepherds.  They go through valleys to reach the higher ground and in these valleys, are some of the best untouched grasses.  It can be dangerous but is also one of the quickest and gentlest ways to move sheep to the higher ground.

 

 

In the last verse David says, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”  Sheep, when they have a good shepherd who knows what is best for them, leave behind flourishing meadows and are beneficial to the prosperity of the land.  Which begs the question of, as Christians, when we follow and trust in God in the ups and downs in life, are we leaving behind love, goodness and mercy to others because of our relationship with God?

That brings me back to where I am at now.  I didn’t close out my last chapter in life in a way that left behind the amount love and mercy I would have liked it to.  I know that my life is ultimately God’s story and am hopeful that as I continue to grow in Him that each chapter and story does leave behind love and mercy whether it is a devastating or joyful chapter, or maybe a little of both.   

God continues to show me who He is in the Psalms this month.  In Psalm 46 He reminded me to stop trying to wrestle and fix things on my own and to in some situations just be still and know that He is God.  It is more peaceful to be still and just know that He is God, my shepherd, and to continue to call on Him for wisdom, guidance and peace during both the difficult and good chapters. 

So when I am a restless, creature of bad habit, self-destructive sheep I can still trust that God is doing something in my life with His ultimate story for me.

Being Adopted

Foster Care and Adoption is something I’ve always thought of pursuing.  It was pointed out to me once that there is a strong need for single female foster parents for children who are traumatized by being around males. I’ve also told myself that if I am single when I am forty then I would love to buy a house and do foster care for teenage girls, but I wonder if I am strong enough for all that could come with that.

There are fears that come along with thinking of foster parenting and adoption.  There is always the concern of getting attached to a child, and then they end up going back to their parents.  Maybe they go back to a really bad situation.  I’ve told myself that if I were going to do foster care it would have to be with the mentality of loving that child while they were in my life and knowing that at least they would be safe while with me.  If I were going to adopt I would have to get over my own selfish feelings of “what if they want to go back to their real parents when I’m the one showing them real love.”  I know it would lead to heartbreak in some cases, but I don’t think it would stop me from doing it or loving them.

I’ve recently been thinking on this concept while comparing it to being an adopted child of God.  Sometimes I feel like a lost child with life circumstances that can be hard to see through.  The reality is, that as an adopted child of God, I don’t have to worry about any of those situations as I have God’s grace through Jesus.  My life concerns fail in comparison to what He has already eternally done for me by adopting me and bringing me into His family.

The reality is that I am not the best adopted child to have.  With as much as God has loved me and adopted me I still turn from Him sometimes.  If my fear in adoption is that a child would turn away from me and want to go back to real parents, then as an adopted child of God, I am the child in my own worst fear.  I turn from Him by sabotaging myself in subtle ways or falling prey to not believing Him when he tells me how amazing and loved I am.  I do to Him exactly what I fear a child would do to me someday.  I would rather go back to my “real parent sin nature” and follow my desires that I think will lead to happiness, rather than just be loved by Him.  My sin nature tries to call me home and I get tempted to ignore the love of my adopted Father that I know and have experienced.   

I was encouraged recently by a friend to revisit Ephesians 1 and some of the many spiritual blessings that we have as children of God. 

3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

11In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

The amount of love and blessings God has for me is astonishing.  To be able to have me as an adopted child, who continually must turn back to Him because of my wandering heart, speaks so highly of His love for me.  I am so grateful that His love for me is better. I am so glad that no matter what, I know where He stands and how He cares for me.

I recently listened to a sermon from a friend where he referenced the above passage in Ephesians and said, “We worship a God who loved us before the beginning of the world, gave us an inheritance, and when we screwed it up, He buys us back again.” 

The freedom from being loved immensely always draws me back to Him.  It always brings me back to a place where I can put aside my own selfish pursuits and just be loved, have fruitful relationships and love others from a genuine place because of Him and the knowledge that He loved me enough to adopt me.

I pray that if I ever do foster care or adopt a child it is without fears of how they would  or would not love me, but is from a  place of how much love I would have to give them.