Of Stories and Chapters

My life is not just one story, but many stories.  Chapters open and close in devastation or excitement.  There have been times of uncertainty and times of confidence.  Stories of insecurities and successes, of pain and heartache, and friendship and love.  There are moments when my heart and mind scream “Oh, I finally get it!” only to be humbly reminded months or years later that no, no I don’t get it.  Maybe I have the head knowledge but have not had to experience something and having the knowledge and facing it in reality can be two very different things.   

I recently closed out a chapter of my life that was painful but needed.  In that process I felt myself fighting to not become angry or bitter at God for allowing some things to occur or not occur in my life.  I was angry at other people who are also fallible and made hurtful choices and actions.

The thing is though, it will happen again in life.  The pain and hurt in life situations will come and go in various forms.  There will be moments when I will selfishly cry out "Why Me, God? Why Now?" in various forms.  They will continue to drive me to call on God out of anguish for guidance, wisdom and peace.

When crying out to God for peace and understanding in this past chapter in life there were moments when people unknowingly spoke into my life.  There were Bible passages, articles or podcasts that God used to encourage me at the exact moment I needed it. There were times where I was so grateful for a simple text from a friend. There were also times where I felt silence from God.  Times where I failed miserably by trying to do it on my own and couldn’t see past myself.  People can be the least lovable when they need love the most.  I loved a friend at their darkest and struggled to not lose myself in that. God provided people to spur me on and love me for me and encourage me.  

The truth is, that it’s never been about me or my story.  It’s God’s story and what He is doing in and through my life.  There are moments when I know this but I lose site of resting in all the amazing things God is doing in my life presently and hope for a different future.  A future based on what I assume would be better, even though it could be devastating if realized.

In these situations, it is easy to assume that God is testing my faith.  It’s not true though.  God knows my faith already and instead is reminding me of how deep His faithfulness is no matter the situation. 

Psalms 23 has been a passage that I have known my entire life.  It’s been one I have taken for granted and just known the words of but never cared much for if I am honest.  I get it.  We’re stupid sheep and God takes care of us.

During the last month, I read the book “A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23” by W. Phillip Keller who was born in East Africa and was among other things…. wait for it…a shepherd.  This book had been buried in a pile of books for the past months when I found it in my purse while stuck on a long bus ride spurring me to read it at probably just the time I needed to in life.

 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever. 

It would be impossible to summarize everything I got out of the book but there were some great takeaways.  The first verse alone demands that we consider what type of Shepherd is the Lord and what is His character?  Do we think He is the type that would abandon us to fend for ourselves or the type that genuinely wants what is best for us even when it feels painful or we can’t see the other side of it? There was quite a price paid for us and He loves in ways that we will never understand. 

I learned a lot about sheep, like the fact that they will not lie down unless they are free from friction with other sheep, free from flies and parasites and free from hunger.  “He makes me lie down in green pastures” isn’t just Him forcing us to lazily lounge in fields.  They are all aspects of life that when we trust Him with them we can be at rest.

I also learned that sheep are creatures of habit.  They will follow the same path until it becomes a rut and graze the same field until it is a desert.  They will pollute their own ground until it is corrupt.  A good shepherd will be aware of this and move the sheep even when they don’t want to be prodded on.  “He leads me in paths of righteousness” by once again showing His character in moving us to what is better in Him.

Sheep are also led to higher ground during the spring to new pastures.  During this time, the sheep are commonly alone with the shepherds.  They go through valleys to reach the higher ground and in these valleys, are some of the best untouched grasses.  It can be dangerous but is also one of the quickest and gentlest ways to move sheep to the higher ground.

 

 

In the last verse David says, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.”  Sheep, when they have a good shepherd who knows what is best for them, leave behind flourishing meadows and are beneficial to the prosperity of the land.  Which begs the question of, as Christians, when we follow and trust in God in the ups and downs in life, are we leaving behind love, goodness and mercy to others because of our relationship with God?

That brings me back to where I am at now.  I didn’t close out my last chapter in life in a way that left behind the amount love and mercy I would have liked it to.  I know that my life is ultimately God’s story and am hopeful that as I continue to grow in Him that each chapter and story does leave behind love and mercy whether it is a devastating or joyful chapter, or maybe a little of both.   

God continues to show me who He is in the Psalms this month.  In Psalm 46 He reminded me to stop trying to wrestle and fix things on my own and to in some situations just be still and know that He is God.  It is more peaceful to be still and just know that He is God, my shepherd, and to continue to call on Him for wisdom, guidance and peace during both the difficult and good chapters. 

So when I am a restless, creature of bad habit, self-destructive sheep I can still trust that God is doing something in my life with His ultimate story for me.

Being Adopted

Foster Care and Adoption is something I’ve always thought of pursuing.  It was pointed out to me once that there is a strong need for single female foster parents for children who are traumatized by being around males. I’ve also told myself that if I am single when I am forty then I would love to buy a house and do foster care for teenage girls, but I wonder if I am strong enough for all that could come with that.

There are fears that come along with thinking of foster parenting and adoption.  There is always the concern of getting attached to a child, and then they end up going back to their parents.  Maybe they go back to a really bad situation.  I’ve told myself that if I were going to do foster care it would have to be with the mentality of loving that child while they were in my life and knowing that at least they would be safe while with me.  If I were going to adopt I would have to get over my own selfish feelings of “what if they want to go back to their real parents when I’m the one showing them real love.”  I know it would lead to heartbreak in some cases, but I don’t think it would stop me from doing it or loving them.

I’ve recently been thinking on this concept while comparing it to being an adopted child of God.  Sometimes I feel like a lost child with life circumstances that can be hard to see through.  The reality is, that as an adopted child of God, I don’t have to worry about any of those situations as I have God’s grace through Jesus.  My life concerns fail in comparison to what He has already eternally done for me by adopting me and bringing me into His family.

The reality is that I am not the best adopted child to have.  With as much as God has loved me and adopted me I still turn from Him sometimes.  If my fear in adoption is that a child would turn away from me and want to go back to real parents, then as an adopted child of God, I am the child in my own worst fear.  I turn from Him by sabotaging myself in subtle ways or falling prey to not believing Him when he tells me how amazing and loved I am.  I do to Him exactly what I fear a child would do to me someday.  I would rather go back to my “real parent sin nature” and follow my desires that I think will lead to happiness, rather than just be loved by Him.  My sin nature tries to call me home and I get tempted to ignore the love of my adopted Father that I know and have experienced.   

I was encouraged recently by a friend to revisit Ephesians 1 and some of the many spiritual blessings that we have as children of God. 

3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

11In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

The amount of love and blessings God has for me is astonishing.  To be able to have me as an adopted child, who continually must turn back to Him because of my wandering heart, speaks so highly of His love for me.  I am so grateful that His love for me is better. I am so glad that no matter what, I know where He stands and how He cares for me.

I recently listened to a sermon from a friend where he referenced the above passage in Ephesians and said, “We worship a God who loved us before the beginning of the world, gave us an inheritance, and when we screwed it up, He buys us back again.” 

The freedom from being loved immensely always draws me back to Him.  It always brings me back to a place where I can put aside my own selfish pursuits and just be loved, have fruitful relationships and love others from a genuine place because of Him and the knowledge that He loved me enough to adopt me.

I pray that if I ever do foster care or adopt a child it is without fears of how they would  or would not love me, but is from a  place of how much love I would have to give them.

Grace Upon Grace

“What makes Lutherans different from other Christians,” was a question recently posed by a neighboring woman who stopped by my church’s Saturday morning coffee cart outreach.  It led to a long conversation about God, life and world views.  I admit I am grateful for being there with a friend who is more articulate and knowledgeable than me in these situations.  My forte is more in the connecting with people in life daily and not necessarily the deep theological drive by questions.

It did get me thinking though.  The woman we talked with was vocal about her perspectives and her desire to just be a good person and preserve the world for the next generation. She knew some things about the Bible and had a faith in things such as the sun and moon, or balancing her heart and mind through Yoga.  She still asked questions though and I enjoyed the open conversation about what we believe.  Most people shy away from asking these types of questions.  Her perception of Christians was that most of our actions do not match what we say we believe.

I’ve never been good at being a Christian in the sense of doing everything perfect.  I thank God that me trying to be perfect is not the gospel.  I think of what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 15.

 Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you, which you received, in which you stand, ² and by which you are being saved, if you hold fast to the word I preached to you—unless you believed in vain.

³ For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, ⁴ that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, ⁵ and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. ⁶ Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep. ⁷ Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. ⁸ Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me. ⁹ For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. ¹⁰ But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. ¹¹ Whether then it was I or they, so we preach and so you believed.

Paul was raised in religion.  He persecuted the church of God while thinking he was carrying out God’s will. He expresses feeling the least and unworthy of being called an apostle.  But he also expresses a deep understanding of grace and his ministry and actions that flow out of that grace.

I have thought a lot about grace lately and how continual it is in my life.  I’ve been through many life phases if you will. I’ve had the home schooled insecure nerdy childhood, the punk rock band days, the late-night college life with part-time jobs, the reckless party years, the years where you feel like you are living in an episode of “Friends,” the adult full-time work and full-time school years, and the intense career years.  When I look back at everything God has done with my life I can’t help but be grateful for the grace he has repeatedly given me in each phase of life.  There is a peace in knowing that wherever I have been or will be in life God’s grace remains.   Maybe He’ll keep me where I’m at, or maybe I’ll give up my career and raise a family someday.  His plans have always ended better than mine even when I don’t think they are.

I have been continually thinking on John 1:16 this past week:

¹⁶ For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

I can’t help but think of "grace upon grace" as a continually rolling ocean of the grace that God has given me daily in life.

I am thankful that from Christ’s fullness I have received grace upon grace and like Paul by the grace of God I am what I am. 

Today I am thankful that I do not have to be good at being a Christian. 

Broken Cracks

I recently sat around a living room with six of my closest friends discussing a hard dynamic that has heavily been on my heart and mind. The conversation included uncaged words, emotions and my tears. As my eyes began welling up I could sense the collective thoughts from my friends of, “Oh no, we broke Andrea.” The thing about friendship, real friendship, is that these moments come from a place of love and genuine concern for each other.  It wasn’t an intervention, but maybe it should have been.

There are areas in my life that are continual vices.  Areas that as strong as I can be, are sometimes too much for me alone.  I know that everyone has their own insecurities and struggles, but sometimes it’s easy to think that they are your own, and no one else understands them.  Or it is easy to bottle it up, bury it, and make life look clean and pretty.  Mine normally center around relationships, or unrealized relationships.  Sometimes I think God ironic, because one of my vices is also my biggest blessing in life. Sometimes I ask God to “fix” this area of my life, that being single is too much anymore.  With how deeply I feel things, I’ve probably been asking God for the very thing that I would need to try not to put above Him.  He has given me exactly what I have asked in some ways though.

In the moments that I feel like it can be too much, I have friends who have been willing to connect, care and weather the Andrea struggles with the good times too. That is what I’ve always wanted, someone to connect with, to share the beauty in life along with the struggles when they come up.

I’ve had a lot of deep introspective Andrea moments these past months.  What God has given me has been more than I ever would have guessed or desired and I know He’s faithful in knowing what I actually need.

I can’t help but marvel at the small moments over the last months that God has given me to remind me how much I enjoy where He has put me in this season of life.  There’s the coffee dates, the girls nights, the roommate who is quirky enough to handle my quirky, the married friends in my life who continue to show what a real relationship would look like.  I could go on and on.  I could mention sitting in the sun on lunch breaks with a good book or walking to Pike place every Monday to buy fruit for the week.  I could mention my Jersey hotdog vendor who calls me “honey pie” (I think that’s good?) or my morning bus rides with familiar strangers.  I could mention my gym and moving towards a healthier physical lifestyle, or the pizza place down the street where my local area friends gather at least once a week and comes complete with a cranky waiter/maybe owner named Pete, but Pete knows I like the house red wine. I could mention the multiple areas of community that I have in my life between work, church and friendship.

This is my life.   God has allowed me a to have a life where my brokenness and cracks are held together by His grace and mercy.  He has surrounded me with friends and multiple individuals who have been able to speak words of encouragement into my life in all areas.

I’ve learned that my life is what God has given me for this time.  I have also learned that I genuinely like it.  In the past when I have wanted things or life to be different God has remained faithful in what He knows I need.  I know He will do that each time in the future as well.

A constant prayer of mine has been that God would give me a heart to love others and see them as God loves and sees them, as I know He has given me people who love me in the same way.  Perhaps God has been answering this prayer, when being present in the pain can lead to loving others in their struggles.   Thank God for his grace and mercy as we live out lives with broken cracks held in His hands.

Why I Stayed In Church

There have been longstanding discussions of “younger people” leaving the church, specifically millennials. As a millennial I've been asked why I think young adults have left the church in this generation more than others.  I know there are a lot of opinions and research on this topic ranging from generation gaps, to failed youth groups, to blaming the generation before, to cultural differences, etc.  Normally these discussions are with the intention of preserving and growing the church, growing the people and they try to address the problem of “how to stop young people from leaving.”

I’m not going to try to even hypothesize and explain why millennials have left the church because there are multiple reasons and some are individual decisions or individual church issues.

I will however express why I, as a millennial, have stayed.

I grew up in the church and have been around churches most of my life, ones that I have been a member of and ones that I have not.  Each church I have attended or visited has been different and has had its own culture and community.  I have seen churches that strive to put on a good program, or ones that focus on community groups and connecting, or ones who focus on community outreach or family development.  Church culture generally depends on the individuals in the church and how they contribute or what their strengths are.  I’ve seen churches change the lives of people through resources God has given them, or through reaching out in love.  I’ve seen churches unintentionally hurt people.

I’ve stayed in the church.   I’ve stayed through church politics that I don’t agree with.  I’ve stayed through seeing congregations argue internally.  I’ve stayed through sometimes feeling that I can’t fully serve because of a church’s erring view on women serving.  I’ve stayed through frustrations and through being hurt by others.  I’ve stayed when at times I haven't wanted to.  I'm not pin-pointing one specific church because I believe this would be an issue anywhere.

The church is a messy place.  It’s a messy place because those in it are not perfect.  I am not perfect.  If I left church then I hurt myself the most, create divisions and questions within the church, and whatever my frustrations would be would not be resolved.  Those frustrations would move forward with me to a new church.

I believe there are times to leave a specific church community, depending on situations, but it’s important to look at what the frustration is and if it’s something that you disagree with biblically or if it is coming from yourself.  Sometimes it’s our own mistakes that are causing the friction, and we need to take ownership to resolve it or seek help to resolve it.  

I’ve stayed because I believe in what the church could be and is.  I’ve stayed because I have a love for the Christian community, and the broken people within it.  When I think of community I think of coming in and connecting and learning how to love better and serve better.  It can be hard to connect and pour your life into others.  But that’s the point of community, to lean in when people would lean out.  Church communities live life together in the messiness and serve God by serving each other and reaching out.

I stay because I want to be part of that.  I recognize that it will be messy but I also recognize that things will not change by me just leaving.  In fact, if they are ever to change then it takes people staying and being present in each other’s lives. 

When we leave, we generally leave with the idea of “church exists to benefit me and I’m not getting what I need out of it right now.”  If our idea of church is what we can take from it then we will never be happy and will go from church to church without resolving the real issue of ourselves.

There are some very real reasons that you should leave a church.  We generally jump to this as the first solution though rather than a last resort.  

Galatians 6:10 says, “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”

There is a lot of opposition outside of the church in our world.  This is nothing new.  We should be reaching out into the community and into the lives of others, yet sometimes we get caught up in ourselves and have to deal with what’s on the inside of the church.

So before leaving a church, try to resolve whatever issue you are struggling with.  If it is people, try to reconcile and understand.  You may be more similar than you realize whether you are a millennial or not.

Check yourself first to see if there is anything you are being unrealistic about.  Have you elevated things to the level of the Apostles Creed that should not be there?  “I believe in God the Father almighty……I believe in this specific political party….I believe in this musical preference in church…..I believe I have to have this type of Bible study….I believe that the pastor has to do this……..I believe in…..”  

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

This should be our approach to church community; to pour into others and stir up love and good works in them.

I admit, there are times I can look at other Christians I am frustrated with and just think, “I’m done, why do I put myself through this?” but I do it because others have done it for me.  Showing God’s love for others is not always easy.  That’s why it’s God’s love and sometimes not ours.  Or even better, it becomes ours because of God in us.

This is why I stay in church.  I stay because I have hope for what it could be.  I have hope for a group of messy, unfinished people who pour into each other and spur each other on to love and good works.  I don’t church hop because I want to form those relationships, no matter how hard.  I get a lot out of church and community by not looking for what I can get out of it but by being present in it.

This is why I have stayed.

"It's You, It's Always Been You"

I thought I would share something with you that I’ve been thinking on over the past few months since moving to Seattle.  This is more geared towards other single women, but maybe there is a little something for everyone in it.

So often as single women it is tempting to live in the future, to look forward to when life will start when you meet someone and fall in love and obtain the “happily ever after.”  The thought and desire to finally know who your person is can be intoxicating.  I think it is okay to hope for this, but there is a difference between hoping and not living life because you are waiting.

In general, I find that single women I talk to fall in a few different categories.  They are really good at guarding their heart and not liking men, or they easily fall for guys over and over.  I unfortunately fall into the latter category.  I’m picky, don’t get me wrong, but when I do find men that have the core qualities I like then I fall pretty hard and fast, and then normally don’t end up acting like myself around them because I get nervous; it’s a vicious circle.

There are times that I really despise the fact that I feel things strongly and that I wish I could stop feelings or control my heart.  But it is an aspect about myself that I also like in other areas.  There are romantic options in my life who I wish I did like and returned feelings for, because they have qualities I admire.  There are also romantic options who I wish I didn’t like anymore when they do no return my feelings.  “Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.” – Mark Beech. How I wish there was an on or off button, or a cage that blocked feelings  A heart cage to block feelings would sometimes be welcomed.

It can be a little tough as a single female sometimes. Other times it is the best thing in the world. 

I go through phases of loving being single, and hating it.  I’m currently heading into a “loving being single” time in my life.

I have gone through many thought processes over the years from being single and trying to figure out why God has kept me single. 

·         The “God’s punishing me” phase, because he knows how awful of a person I really am.

·         The “God’s forgotten me” phase, because he has better things to do than really worry about me.

·         The “God is keeping me single” phase, that maybe he can use me in my singleness

·         The “God is teaching me lessons”  phase, that maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship of that caliber

Over the last year I’ve actually been focusing on the fact that there is nothing more to it than just God’s timing. That doesn’t necessarily change restless hearts though.  As confident as I can be in life, and in God, my heart still struggles against me and sometimes against God.  Sometimes I want what is not in God’s timing.  This is when God and I wrestle.

This past week I had the opportunity to spend some time out by a lake for a few hours alone with God just reading and journaling.  I really don’t do this as often as I wish I could.  I can’t even explain the feeling of just wedging myself between some large rocks, curling up in a blanket on a lakeshore surrounded by mountains and just being present in absolute silence.  The night before I laid on that same beach under a breathtaking blanket of stars.  It’s hard not to feel God in these moments that calm the soul and quiet the struggling or wandering heart.

A quite heart is a rare experience for me but so welcomed.  I enjoy cheesy love quotes and recently found one that said, “It’s you, it’s always been you.”  I’ve always liked the idea of a friendship turning into romance.  To be able to look at someone and suddenly realize, “it’s you,” and have all of the time gap make sense. 

While lying on the cold beach this past weekend, staring up at countless stars and feeling so alive and at peace in the crisp night air, I had the thought of “it’s you, it’s always been you.”  Not about some man though, or friend, but about God. 

I’ve had many phases in life and God has taken me on quite a journey.  I always end up being grateful for His timing or thankful that things didn’t work out certain ways had they been up to me.  I can’t even begin to comprehend what God has done with my life so far and what He will continue to do with it.  Sometimes I just look at my life and shake my head. I’ve been the nerdy homeschooler, the crazy college kid, moved with a band across a country, been a career woman, and currently endeavoring on my “improve physical/mental health outdoorsy woman” phase.  In all of these life phases I have had, God has been there and the one at the center of everything. 

I am writing this blog, to encourage single women to not just “wait.”  There are times in my life where I have just waited for life to start.  Don’t just wait.  Embrace the phases and where God has you at in life.

Be the woman you needed as a girl.   In this phase of life, be a strong, mentally healthy woman that continually grows in life and is present in the life of those around you.  Wrestle with God, and be okay with it rather than drowning in self-pity.

I have had a verse that I always come back to over the years. This past weekend God showed me the verses in front of those verses.  Verses I have read many times, but never quite fully read.  They comforted and reassured me in my restless, wandering heart ways.

Psalm 73:21 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.

I confess I can be senseless and ignorant, and embittered when I don’t get my way, thank God he holds me no matter where I am in life.  And then the familiar verses to me of:

Psalm 73:25-26 ²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

My heart can be restless, and grieved, and embittered.  But recently, it has been quiet and strengthened as it is surrounded by God.  I desire to reach out to others and to live life with others; to love others and want what is best for them even when painful to me or when it goes against my own agendas.  I can be at peace and not worry about “waiting for life to start,” because life is already well on its way and has amazing things to experience.  

We only have so long in this life between the dusts.  Embrace it, experience it, and share it with others.  Go through life phases and changes.  Cherish friendships around you and desire what is best for others.  Be the woman, you needed as a girl, and pour into others.